The World as I Know it

I think I'm done. I'm done feeling this way, I'm done fighting things off. I'm done fighting by myself. I'm done feeling like I'm not good enough for Him or for any of you. I am simply done. Some of you may think this is a cry for attention but you are wrong. I just don't want to care so much anymore. I just don't want to feel anything anymore. Please don't expect much more out of me. I know you all have your own things to deal with so focus on them; there's nothing to focus on here. I'm done.

So I've began to write down my feelings about what I read in the Bible. I feel like some of the things are really encouraging and are simply what I am going through at the moment in my spiritual life. It's good to share so that's what I'm doing.

November 13, 2008
Evening Meditation
Isaiah 1

Since I messed up--again--today, some of this chapter really spoke out to me. "THough your sins are like scalet, they shall be as white as snow" (Is. 1:18) and "I will thoroughly purge away your dross and remove all your impurities (Is. 1:25). I have a lot of impurities; God has a lot of work to to in me. I do not want him to have to bleed my sins away anymore. I know I've said hat hundreds of times before, but it's true. I just want to be able to have some self-control. That is a fruit of the spirit I am desperate need of (Gal. 5:22). In order to do that, I must abide in You and Your Word- "no branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me" (John 15:4).
I must remain in You if I want self-control & not require my sins to be wiped away everday, to not have to be taken away. I need to "stop doing wrong, learn to do right!" (Is. 1:16c-17a). And in order to do that, I must rely on You.

November 14, 2008
Evening Meditations
Isaiah 2

The verse that really stuck out to me tonight was verse 22--"stop trusting in man who has but a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he?"
I often rely on my own or others' strength. I don't really ask God to take everything and make me new. I mean, I do, but I don't hand myself over to Him and I need to.
I know that God is just waiting to make me in His likeness. Not just physically but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as well. I have to hand myself over to HIm, to trust the one who created me.
I cannot go on with my own strength. I cannot continue taking advice from friends and family. I must lean on my Holy Father. He will help get me through it all.

November 15, 2008
Morning Meditations
Isaiah 41:10

"fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
This verse, especially the "I am with you;" will most likely get me through this day unless something changes. I fell like I am forgotten by the people I care most about, that, since some anger is directed at me, I am nothing. And that is not true. "We love because He loved us first" (1 John 4:19).
The most Holy Being, my Father loved me. He knows the wrongs I do, yet His love continues. I may be hurt, I may feel as low as low can be, but He is with me, He will strengthen me, He will hold my hand and help me to safety. He loves me.

So much has happened since the last time I wrote. I went to the BASIC conference and had an amazing time there. Came back, talked to Bongo Man who decided we weren't meant to be friends and that I make him say awful things (things have since changed, for good or for bad). I messed up--again--and people are angry--again. But I wrote a song! It is done I think. Let me share it with you:

Though the wind is strong,
And the thunder rumbles;
and though I fall,
and though I stumble

Lord, You are there
to catch my fall;
Your outstretched arm,
You are all in all

chorus
So keep me Lord,
in Your embrace.
Your love is so dear,
it cannot be replaced.
And I will love* you
through the good and the bad.
Yes I will love* you
You are all i have

You are so perfect
You are astounding.
Evey single moment,
Lord Your love confounds me.

You are the same,
and always forgives.
I am Yours;
for You I live.

chorus
So keep me Lord
in Your embrace.
Your love is so dear,
it cannot be replaced.
And I will love* you
through the good and the bad.
yes i will love You
You are all i have.

I also have chords to this song, thanks to Ryan. I hope you all like it; writing it helped me.