The World as I Know it

All of these emotions are pouring on me, drowning me. I feel so out of place, like such an outsider. I don't know why; I've thought of so many reasons and so many different things to do to try to change this but I can't. I've felt like this for so long I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to react anymore to anything. I don't feel like I belong just about anywhere.

There are so many emotions going through me. I don't know what I'm doing ever. Ever. Oh God help me. I need you so much right now cuz I don't know what I'm doing anymore. i don't even know who I am anymore.

I'm not stressed, really I'm not. I'm not emotional either.

I've been thinking over the year (as we should all do when a new year is just within reach), thinking about the things that I am not proud of, the days I wouldn't take back for the largest ruby in the universe. So many things happened this year and, although I can't possibly recount everything that occurred and the people that have touched my life, I can say thank you and I do. You're all wonderful and I love you all, more than you know. You've all made my year interesting to say the least and even though it doesn't always seem like it, I'm extremely grateful for it.

Fish sticks.

So I'm at home again. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. It's no secret that being at home is hard for me. But then again, being at school was just as hard but in very different ways. I can't really explain it. I feel like that would be way too hard to do and honestly, I don't really feel like I could explain it without hurting people in some sort of way. I don't know.

I've been thinking a lot about what sort of person I am and what am I becoming. I don't know if I like what I'm becoming or at least part of it. I'm jealous a lot for some reason, over really little things. Or angry over little things. Although to be honest, I've always been like that. I don't really understand it. I think it's been worse because I had a really bad semester and all; not as bad as some people, but it was really stressful and tiring. I had some things messed up and I'm getting back on track, trying to get back to the way I was before, although to which before I'm really not sure.

I've also been thinking about my future. Or at least one part of my future. I don't really know what's going on with the rest of it. I'm just sort of floating about here and there, trying to do what I can but not really having an idea of what I want or need to do. It's hard. I'm at a crossroads. I think we all are, or at least most of us.

I don't know. That phrase is like my catch-phrase. I say/type it a lot. Everything's just gonna take time, lots of time. I'll talk to you all later.

I'm so angry! How can someone be so ruthless and hurtful? I don't understand. He's always saying "build people up!" That message did not build me up person! It tore me down. Made me feel like I wasn't worth it, worth anything. How dare you make me feel that way? I tried to be honest. Tried to tell you my feelings so you would maybe be aware of them so maybe things might change bit for the better, that you would try. You know, after things went down that scary night, I looked at you differently. Now I wonder if you would do the same thing for me or if, because we just don't "click" enough you "wouldn't notice" that I needed your help. You have no problem stating your opinion when I don't want it, when I don't need it but when I want to be around you you run the other way? You make extremely lame excuses for your behavior and I'm not going to take it. yeah, you're right. We don't all have to be amazing best friends, but I do think that we have to try to include people. If you were in the room, I would ask you if you wanted to do blank. You know why? Cuz I don't like to hurt people's feelings. However, for some odd reason, you seem to be thriving on it right now. You say I'm guilt tripping you. No, I'm not. I'm being honest with you. There's a huge difference. If I was guilt tripping you, I would have brought up our past and how you didn't hold up your end of the deal, after a month or so. But I didn't. Ugh! How dare you! And you'd better believe you will read this, one way or another.