The World as I Know it

All of these emotions are pouring on me, drowning me. I feel so out of place, like such an outsider. I don't know why; I've thought of so many reasons and so many different things to do to try to change this but I can't. I've felt like this for so long I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to react anymore to anything. I don't feel like I belong just about anywhere.

There are so many emotions going through me. I don't know what I'm doing ever. Ever. Oh God help me. I need you so much right now cuz I don't know what I'm doing anymore. i don't even know who I am anymore.

I'm not stressed, really I'm not. I'm not emotional either.

I've been thinking over the year (as we should all do when a new year is just within reach), thinking about the things that I am not proud of, the days I wouldn't take back for the largest ruby in the universe. So many things happened this year and, although I can't possibly recount everything that occurred and the people that have touched my life, I can say thank you and I do. You're all wonderful and I love you all, more than you know. You've all made my year interesting to say the least and even though it doesn't always seem like it, I'm extremely grateful for it.

Fish sticks.

So I'm at home again. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. It's no secret that being at home is hard for me. But then again, being at school was just as hard but in very different ways. I can't really explain it. I feel like that would be way too hard to do and honestly, I don't really feel like I could explain it without hurting people in some sort of way. I don't know.

I've been thinking a lot about what sort of person I am and what am I becoming. I don't know if I like what I'm becoming or at least part of it. I'm jealous a lot for some reason, over really little things. Or angry over little things. Although to be honest, I've always been like that. I don't really understand it. I think it's been worse because I had a really bad semester and all; not as bad as some people, but it was really stressful and tiring. I had some things messed up and I'm getting back on track, trying to get back to the way I was before, although to which before I'm really not sure.

I've also been thinking about my future. Or at least one part of my future. I don't really know what's going on with the rest of it. I'm just sort of floating about here and there, trying to do what I can but not really having an idea of what I want or need to do. It's hard. I'm at a crossroads. I think we all are, or at least most of us.

I don't know. That phrase is like my catch-phrase. I say/type it a lot. Everything's just gonna take time, lots of time. I'll talk to you all later.

I'm so angry! How can someone be so ruthless and hurtful? I don't understand. He's always saying "build people up!" That message did not build me up person! It tore me down. Made me feel like I wasn't worth it, worth anything. How dare you make me feel that way? I tried to be honest. Tried to tell you my feelings so you would maybe be aware of them so maybe things might change bit for the better, that you would try. You know, after things went down that scary night, I looked at you differently. Now I wonder if you would do the same thing for me or if, because we just don't "click" enough you "wouldn't notice" that I needed your help. You have no problem stating your opinion when I don't want it, when I don't need it but when I want to be around you you run the other way? You make extremely lame excuses for your behavior and I'm not going to take it. yeah, you're right. We don't all have to be amazing best friends, but I do think that we have to try to include people. If you were in the room, I would ask you if you wanted to do blank. You know why? Cuz I don't like to hurt people's feelings. However, for some odd reason, you seem to be thriving on it right now. You say I'm guilt tripping you. No, I'm not. I'm being honest with you. There's a huge difference. If I was guilt tripping you, I would have brought up our past and how you didn't hold up your end of the deal, after a month or so. But I didn't. Ugh! How dare you! And you'd better believe you will read this, one way or another.

Let me ask a couple questions. Do you love me? If I was mean, would you still love me? If I was angry at you, my life, the world, would your heart still call to mine? If I felt too ugly to go outside, would you pick me up and carry me out to see the world, and in doing so, pronounce to everyone that you love me the way I am? Do you think that you can handle my mood tornadoes? My indecisions? My disbelief? What if I told you I didn't love you anymore, what would you say? Would you quietly accept it and walk away, or would you continue to love and care for me? If I said to go away forever, to never ever show your face to me again, never hold my hand, what would you say? Because I can do this, I have done some of this. My disbelief and anger, my sadness and hurt, everything that is ugly about me can and does show through. So far, you have proven to be steady and unchanging in your care and love and forgiveness. And now here's a question for me: can I accept your care; can I grasp onto your love; and I take your forgiveness?

Mmmmm... I thought that it was going to be a good vacation, one that is full of non-stressful enjoyment, family fun and love amazingness. And it started to be, it really did. I don't feel that way right now though. I really don't.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. My sister and I used to be friends, when we were really little. We used to talk and tell each other lots and lots of stuff. When did that change? When did hardly knowing anything about each other become the norm? I don't understand. I want to change that but I don't know how. I don't know why she doesn't like me so much; I don't get it. I don't know if I want to get it because I'm tired of trying. She can talk to everyone but her family, everyone. It's not like I'm going to hate her when I find out what she's doing. I know some of it anyway for goodness sake. I just want to hear it from her. I want us to be sisters again, instead of two people who sometimes live in the same house together cuz that's what it's starting to feel like.

I often wonder why people can't see him through my eyes. Do they want to? Or is it just foggy for them? What can I do to clear that fog? Nothing, he has to do it for them.