Monday, October 22, 2007
I have many, many secrets. Some of which I can't tell anyone but here is one that haunts me...
I don't have a high self esteem. I know I don't and that's what makes it bad. I don't think I'm pretty, I don't think I'm small (like people say I am). In fact, because they think I'm small, it makes me feel even worse about eating. I feel like all that needs to happen is a little push and I will have an eating disorder; I already think about it. I already say to myself, you could lose like five pounds a week easily if you just don't eat this meal or if you just go throw up. My mother was right when she thought that the reason why I was exercising was to lose weight. It's the absolute truth. I want to be tiny and would do anything to get that way and that scares me. And then my family is very visual. They know if you have gained weight and are not nice about it. Last time I went home my dad said it looked like I gained weight, so did Beth. They don't know how much that hurt, how horrible I felt...
Life is hectic enough. I feel like eating is the one way I can control it. I feel bad every time I do eat. I watch what I eat and feel proud of myself if I go a day without eating more than 1 meal. That really does scare me... I don't know what to do about it.
This secret doesn't exactly haunt me so to speak but it does affect my everyday life. It takes me an hour every morning to get ready for class. Even when there is no classes, it takes me that long. I feel like I'm going to spin out of control, especially here, at school where the people don't really know me as well as the people back home do. If I do go out of control, who will catch me?
