The World as I Know it

So, I went to bible study last night and I ended up crying after it. It wasn't what anyone said or didn't say; it was more of a disappointment in my life. I felt like a hypocrite because for the longest time, I didn't know what was happening in my life. I felt like it was as if I was just trying to find God in order to be closer with my friends, if that makes sense? I used the analogy, everyone is wearing a red shirt, and I'm wearing a yellow shirt, so I want to go out and buy a freaking amazing red shirt. And that didn't seem like it was right to me. I mean, I gave my life over to God, and to have these feelings and thoughts was like me lying to God. And that's just wrong, and it really started getting my down lately.

I left bible study right after and Ryan knew. I don't know how he knows these things, but he just does. I needed to get my feelings out because I've been holding them back for so long; I just started crying. I told Ryan that I didn't want to do this anymore; that whatever was going to happen just wasn't worth me fighting for more than 12 years in order to do it. But as soon as I said it, I knew that that wasn't really what I wanted. I hated, and still do, the thought of not having the love of God in my life; but at the same time I was devastated because I felt like I wasn't feeling it everyday like other people seem to. I was ready to give up.

After I left Ryan and went to my room, Shannan came (God, I love that girl. She is amazing.) She gave me a hug and said that I might wanna give up but that He doesn't want to give up on me and he won't and neither will she. I guess that that was what I wanted and needed to hear. I had been feeling like God was just ignoring me, that He didn't care anymore. I had been feeling so lost for so long, and I felt terrible about myself that I was like, "why should someone who is so wonderful even want me? why would he even look at me with love or understanding, or even tolerance?" Shannan also knew that I had been feeling numb (Ryan sure does know who to tell in order for me to get the most out of it.) She quoted a verse in the bible (1 Kings 19:11-12) which said that God isn't truly the amazing, psych-ed up feeling that you get during the BASIC conference, or church, or Bible study. It is the "gentle whisper," the one that guides you along through your life and just allows you to be at peace with yourself and others no matter where you are. Did I mention that I absolutely adore that girl? She is very good at this sort of thing.

Then I just wanted to leave. I had been crying so much, I just wanted to get out, so I asked if anyone wanted to go to Late Night. I asked Matt to go too and (surprisingly) he did--I'm fairly certain Shannan had something to do with that. Shannan said that I should talk to him because he is pretty good at explaining things in the way that is blunt but not (too) hurtful.

So while everyone was still at Late Night, he and I left and walked back. Now Matt and I do not have the sort of relationship that I have with Ryan and Shannan. I don't tell him things; it's just the way these things are. It's gotten better but it's still not up there, so I felt kind of awkward talking to him about something that was deeply personal. So for about an hour and a half I didn't. We talked about the super bowl party and the stupid things he's done and politics, and Brian jokes. We went down to Shannan's room where Ryan, Kelly, and Shannan. At around midnight, I was ready to talk, but I wasn't sure if he still wanted to; I mean, this kid goes to bed at 11:00 every night. I haven't ever seen him up past 12:30. But I made my way to leave and he went with me. I went to my room and he came in; yet again, this is the kid who thinks it's weird to be in a girls room. I was super surprised. And after a couple of questions from him (and hearing exactly what he knew from Ryan--who definitely helped me out last night), I started talking. I don't exactly know what I learned from him except that it's hard for everyone, no matter what, and that I'm a "baby christian," but everything helped.

I also now have a miracle-saving thing of my own. I told Matt how I had tried so many different things, wicca, Islam, whatever, and he said that I knew so much stuff about other religions and that was probably not making my choice easier. Which was absolutely true; if you have more choices, it's not as easy to decide which one's the truth. But then he said that it was amazing that I had come as close as I am. With having known so many things, I should be so far away from God, but I'm not terribly far. That in itself is so great. I have so many choices and I can compare so many things, that for me to say that this is the one is so perfect. Granted, I'm not completely sure, but to have enough trust and faith to give my life over, and to try to find the truth, is awesome (the actual sense of the word, not the American sense of the word--which, being the only nation in the world to go into space...whatever, Eddie Izzard connection).

But after talking to so many people, I felt so much better. I seriously did/do. I woke up, having only like 3 1/2 to 4 hours of sleep, I feel good. I feel like God does care about me and I probably just have to go through this. It's not supposed to be easy, like Matt says. I just didn't realize it was going to be so hard. But once I'm over this, once I have gotten rid of the majority of the doubting thoughts in my head, I believe that this is going to benefit me in ways that arent' known yet (obviously. duh-moment. it's going to happen in the future, so of course they aren't known.)

I just wanna say, thanks guys!!! Love you all!