Saturday, May 9, 2009
I've come to a conclusion. I'm not really set up for relationships. I'm not saying that I don't want to be in a relationship or that I'm not glad for the relationships (from Nic to Shannan to my parents) that I have, but they seem weird to me.
In a relationship, one literally gives up themselves, puts themselves out there, almost asks to be hurt and taken for granted. This should go against everything that our human nature tells us. We don't want people to be able to hurt us yet we give them that power over us. You hold your heart out to a person, asking them, begging them not to drop it or else it will shatter into a million pieces, so many pieces that there are not enough stars to compare it to. And sometimes, that heart can't be put back together. Sometimes, there's not enough band-aids to go around. Sometimes, a piece gets lost and so you will never be the same again. Why do we do this to ourselves? I hate the idea that that is what we have to do in order to have happiness in our lives. We have to give up our independence and our ability to keep ourselves safe so that we can have some weird, sado-masochistic sense of joy that can flitter away at any moment for any reason whatsoever.
I'm not very good at that; I'm not very good at communicating and giving in. I'm not very good at opening the door for people to come into my life and my heart. I'm not very good at doing the relationship thing in general. It's sad and I'm trying to change it. It goes so slow though. It goes so slow that I don't know how long people will wait for me to unlock the door and allow them a little glimpse of my life, my feelings, my dreams, me.
