The World as I Know it

I haven't written in nearly a week which seems weird for me. I don't have a ton to say so i'm just gonna let this be a free-for-all, steam of conciousness thing, k? I think I'm going to be a loser this summer and not have a job. It's completely my fault and I realize this. I wish I had tried harder. my parents went for another loan. Some of it was for my books because I pay for them with the summer job I should have gotten. The stupid bank manager lady made me feel so awful about this. Telling me how her son had 2 jobs to get through school and how I should be paying for it. I know Lady, really I do. My parents can't afford to help me. I realize that it's my fault, my problem. I realize that I'm an unemployed loser. But did you have to be so mean, did you have to treat me that way and make me feel so small? Seriously, I was in that office for five minutes and I left because I knew I would break out with tears or say something very mean to her. As it is, I broke down in the truck. I wish I didn't have to rely on my parents this summer. I wish I could have been better. That just means I'll have to work super hard this up-coming year to make them proud of me and to pay them back. Cuz I will pay them back, and more. I'll start being an adult. I never want to feel that way again. Ever. On a brighter note, I went to Oswego last week. Apparently I just missed Kdee but that's okay, I'll see her sometime I'm sure. I went with Nic. It was nice. I saw things in Oswego that I had never seen before and I saw them with someone who is pretty awesome, although he failed at life a lot :). We were going to take a little dip in the lock but that turned out to be a nightmare. He went first then couldn't climb back up! I ended up helping him out by holding onto a fence and pulling him out. haha. Then we just didn't feel very good for a little of it. And it rained for a little of it. But it was still really good. Having trips is good. I just wish I had $$ to contribute to these trips. It would have been nice. I doubt I'll have many of those trips left anyway. Which is okay. I understand that I'm the only one without a life at the moment :). (I smile yet everyone knows that it is the truth.) To make my life a bit more productive and satisfying I'm going to volunteer and maybe do a bit of landscaping. Might make the little spot of land near my house a little sanctuary if my daddy allows it. I would do all the work myself. I'm kind of dreading that but also looking forward to it. If I just stay on it I know I can do it. Or at least most of it, might have to scale back a bit. talked to Bethy. I miss her lots. I wish I could see her more and hear her voice more and just laugh and joke like we used to. remember? Remember when life was easier Bethy and there were no boys or bills messing it up for us? Remember when the most we would have to worry about was the school newspaper, Shakespeare, and fifteen dollars or so to pay for a little diner food? That was fun. that was great actually. But i suppose it didn't feel so great at the time I'm sure. I suppose that ten years from now we'll all be like, "remember when we didn't have kids or a mortgage to worry about? Remember when we wanted to live somewhere because it was cheap and fun instead of having a good school district?" As weird and crazy as it sounds, I'm kind of looking forward to that. I'm not saying that I want kids at the moment, please do not think that because that is most certainly not the truth--I'm scared to death of that particular time. However, I don't know what I want to do with my life, where I want my future to go, or what I want my career to be. The one thing I do know however, is that I want a family. Like I want to be that woman who takes time out of her career to take care of her children, whenever that should happen. I'm sure about that ya know? Speaking of kids, I watched the latest episode of Jon & Kate + 8, and my goodness! Kelly, they are getting a divorce!! I speak directly to Kelly cuz I know she watches, or is at least interested, in the show. Isn't that so sad?!? I hope that doesn't happen to me, or to any of you! That's horrible. I feel so sad for their kids, ya know? To have that happen. I don't know. I wonder if it's easier to do it while they're younger though, ya know? I don't know. But anyway, on that dramatically happy note, i shall leave. love you!

p.s. Kat's graduating Kindergarten tomorrow and mimi will (hopefully) graduate highschool on Sunday!! Yay for them!!!!