The World as I Know it

I'm feeling very lonely.  Not in the sense that people aren't around me cuz for the most part, I have people around me at least a little.  I'm talking about being lonely because there's really no one there who I can talk to on a deep personal level, if that makes sense.  I don't feel close to people here as I used to.  And Beth's off doing her own thing, living her own life, which is fine, but it leaves me with almost noone.  Nic is great, and has become one of my best friends, but he has other roles too and so can't really take the role of confidant on.  I'm not gonna lie.  This really upsets me.  I know that I have God and Jesus and the Ghosty-poo but...somehow it's not the same.  I know it's supposed to be, but its not.  Not at all.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm not blaming anyone for anything, this is just how the cards fell.  It just makes me sad.  I'm kind of hoping that sharing an apartment will bring me closer to some people, whoever those people will be.  I'm also kind of scared that that same situation will push me farther from people.  I don't want that to happen.  As I'm writing these things, I keep questioning if this is the correct forum to voice these concerns.  I always do that though.  What is too personal to write here?  What belongs in my journal?  Does writing it in a private journal automatically make it too personal?  It's a weird conundrum.

I'm worried about some people and the choices they are making.  They say that they are going to do one thing, are going to go in another direction, but I see them making the same choices, going down the same path.  It's hard to watch, especially since I know the outcome of these paths.  I've tried telling them but it doesn't help.  People are going to do what they want.  I just hope that this time, they aren't hurt as bad as the last couple times.  I wish they realized that its time to take a step back.

I'm going to talk directly to the Christians who read this blog but if you aren't Christian, stick around!  This might be interesting for you.

I would like you think about God and your beliefs, about Jesus and the Cross.  If you need to, get out a piece of paper and write them down.  Got'em?  Good.  Now, let's take a look.  Words like 'healing,' 'transformation,' 'relationship,' are probably near the top of the list as is 'all-loving,' and what not.  These are words we use everday when we talk about God.  Words we are so used to hearing that we have naturally picked them up.  But take a step outside of yourself.  What do these things sound like to the average person?  What did these things sound like to you, before you were saved (another one of those words)? 

The bible calls us to 'not be of this world.'  And for the most part, even though we are instructed not me to be, we are.  However, in some aspects we're not and that's in our language.  I'm not talking about cursing or anything like that, though I should hope that someone does not use those words, I'm talking about the dialect we use as Christians.  It has been said that to truly be fluent in a language, we need to know what their phrases and metaphors mean and we have become fluent in Christian.  I'm not saying that it is a bad thing because it's not.  But my pastor on Sunday was talking about how we need to relate to different people.  How his mother didn't graduate from high school while his father was a college English professor and so he talked to them in different styles in order for each to fully grasp and appreciate what he was trying to tell them.  We need to do this with other people as well.  Not many people are going to know what you're talking about when you say "Let me tell you my testimony" even though 'testimony' is pretty common in our particular vernacular.  Instead, how about "let me tell you about my life." 

Just thought I'd share some of my views.

 I'm reading Daniel at the moment, for the first time actually.  It amazes me what I have learned biblically if not spiritually in some way.  It just goes to show you that you should actually read ALL the bible and not just the parts which seem interesting right now.  You never know what'll be interesting later.  Anyway, I'm in Ch.4, where Nebuchadnezzar has been taken down a few notches by God because of his pride.  In the chapter, he is taking a walk through a part of his kingdom and attribute the beauty and the glory of his kingdom to himself and not to God and so God takes him away from the splendor which he is accustomed to and brings him so low he is eating grass.  It brings a new perspective on our lives and the times when we just don't feel like we should.  What if God is bringing you to this new place because you need to be there, need to feel what it's like to be the loneliest, dirtiest person on the earth to be taught a lesson.  You may be wondering if Nebuchadnezzar learns his lesson and I'm glad to say that he does; he repents and praises God and so He puts him back into his place of delicious wonderfulness. 

Think back to when someone said something nice to you, out of the blue, whether it's a compliment on your new shoes or an encouragement in your relationship with God.  Hold on to that.  Now think about the last time someone said something and hurt your feelings.  It doesn't have to be anything really large, it doesn't even have to malicious; it could be said in jest, but it still hurt.  Words have such a powerful effect on our lives, don't they? 

I have been thinking on this for a while, and I've come to the conclusion that Christians, called to be on the straight and narrow path that God has led them down, are terribly worried about their actions, how their actions will affect them and their testimony to others and they should be.  However, in worrying about what the right hand is doing, they sometimes forget the simplest thing, their mouths!

To kill someone, one must first thing about it, whether it's for a few seconds or a few years.  Then they must get a weapon or something to actually do the act, and finally, one must use the weapon to rip the life out of another's body.  There are a few steps that I'm sure I'm missing but the point is, what does it take to hurt someone with words?  A second of thought and then it all comes tumbling out?  Being murdered, no doubt excruciatingly painful in its own right, is over relatively quickly.  Think back to when you were picked on as a child (or if you were one of the lucky ones, to something similar), do you still remember what was said or how you felt at that moment?  You most likely do.  People can remember hurtful words that were said a lifetime ago, literally.  The Word says "reckless words pierce like a sword...crushes the spirit (Prov. 12:18, 15:4)."

Sometimes, people say such stupid things.  A common occurrence in my particular group is to pick on each other, sometimes unrelentlessly.  Sometimes, we say things we shouldn't about other people, about who they are or what they've done.  Sometimes we don't really understand how sharp those words really are, how heavy they are.  But we're not the only ones who are capable of holding that sword.  In the book I'm reading, The Unlikely Disciple, it talks about how students at Liberty University live and study and so on as students.  It also talks about Jerry Falwell, the famous (infamous?) fundamental evangelical pastor/politician (pastilician?) and what he says.  Some of it is, quite frankly, shocking.  We all probably know what he said when Sept. 11 happened (gay people, feminists and pro-choicers caused this to happen), and other equally horrible things.  These words surprised people for a reason.  We may not approve or like a lifestyle, ideology or political choice but we cannot say things of this nature.  Feminists can and do feel swords plunging in their hearts. 

I don't want to hurt people with my words.  I don't want someone to remember what I've said to them twenty years down the world and feel their confidence slipping or the old pain being renewed.  I don't want their self-esteem to suffer, their defenses weakened.  I want to say good things, I want them to feel so amazing about themselves.  In Christianity, there's a strong emphasis on the power of healing, probably because that particular gift is so closely connected to Jesus.  We can't all have the same gifts though because we're not all the same person.  Healing is different, though.  Maybe we can't all cure a leper but we can heal that leper in our own way.  The other half of Proverbs 12:18 and 15:4 show us this: "...the tongue of the wise brings healing...[and] is a tree of life." 

What are your words?  Swords or a tree of life?

I have so much to do but I just don't want to do it.  At all.  I can't really help how I feel but I absolutely despise it. 

That being said, I'm really glad that I am on this break.  It's refreshed me like nothing has in a long time.  I'm relatively happy and have only been angry twice!!!  It's a new record!  Sooner or later I will learn to not get upset by so many things, by so many small things; people will like me much better then I think, not that people don't like me now but you know what I mean.  I was reading my friend's blog and I think that I think like her.  We should get together and talk, Ms. Strait, I think we would both enjoy it.  But then, we'll have lots of time to talk in the future won't we! 

I've been thinking that I'm growing up.  Not in the way that people think I'm growing up (getting older) but emotionally.  I can't really figure out why I think that, especially since a lot of the time, I find myself being childish, but there's something about me that changed.  I don't want to be involved with drama and arguments; I'm trying to defend myself but I still let people inside my bubble.  I don't know.  Maybe it's just me thinking that; what do you think, oh invisible people?  If there are people reading this, it's probably the people who have known me for a while.  Do you think I have grown up, even a tad bit?  Now that I've asked that question, I'm not sure I want to know the answer! :D

I think that I want to choreograph a dance.  Not just any dance, mind you, but one that blends in two of my favorite activities: dance and karate.  This is my thought process, k?  Tell me what you think (especially a certain Cambodian)... we will open up with a kind of slow song, maybe a classical piece with ballerinas doing their graceful thing.  Then, maybe 45sec. in, they'll go off-stage and on will come people doing karate (but a dance-y, more flow-y karate, think katas) with a good hip-hop song.  then we'll combine the songs, the ballerinas will come on stage and bam!!  choreographed (pretty) fight dance.  I don't know.  It looks cool in my head.  what do you think?    Anyway, dinner is calling my name!!!!

I feel like I'm holding on to something that is dying, something that does not want to be held onto. Something that is moving on already and just does not want to be with me. And it makes me so sad.

I should be reading for class but its difficult to right now. I just feel like writing even though I don't really have anything to write about. Well, I do, but it's weird. Not really for any reason. I don't know; I'm not making sense right now.

I'm really confused by people. It's hard to think that people would be upset at other people's happiness, although I'm sure I've done it as well. I think it goes against human nature, or maybe it coincides perfectly with it. Like I said, I'm confused. And you wonderful people who are reading this may think that they know what I'm talking about, but there are other things that go along with this. We're supposed to be getting closer but we haven't been. I don't mean one person, but as a group. We're falling away at the edges even though we're trying not to. It's not the same as it was. I think back to freshmen year, remember ry? We had our arguments in our little posse but it wasn't anything major. I miss those days. I miss those people. I miss phil! I don't know, Ry. Maybe I'm looking back on these days with the sort of rose-colored glasses that time and distance gives us. I'm just sayin' that those times seem pretty good right now.

I'm listening to a Backstreet Boys song right now. Talk about a blast from the past. It's hard to imagine that people that are coming into their own today have no idea what the Backstreet Boys are and how they totally rocked! Well, not really since they didn't play their own instruments and were of the yummy bubble-gum variety but they were still really important to girls from 7 years to 30 years of age. And now people don't know about them... it makes me wonder what stars my daughters are going to crush on later. I'm growing old.

I'm growing up. We have an apartment now! I'm kind of worried. We're already sort of having problems. I really think that we need to set some ground rules and kind of soon so we're able to be comfortable with them and there won't be any misunderstandings. And because of this apartment, I don't have health insurance. I know that that didn't really flow that well but it's the best I can do at the moment. Again, I miss phil! (my itunes is playing a song that he gave me)

Okay. I think I've wasted enough time, for both you and me
<3

I am so looking forward to going back to Oswego. I am so looking forward to seeing all of my friends, my new ones and old ones. Especially my old ones. I miss all of you. This semester is shaping up to be a good one, ya'll. I can't wait to see you.

I am re-reading the Twilight books over this break. I haven't really gotten very far because New Moon is so difficult for me to take, being that I am a Jacob fan and I think Bella is whiny and weak and insufferable and she really shows it in this book. Now, this may not seem to be connected to my next paragraph or so, but I will make it clear later.

I was thinking a while back about the different aspects of God and how we see him individually. Some of us really like to view him as our Father who will hold us and comfort us. Some picture Jesus as this great friend who would literally do anything for us; we can picture us sitting down on our couch and watching some TV or casually talking about our day. The holy spirit is this amazing person who will give you the best advice, who will always be there when we need someone. Then there are sort of the unofficial aspects of God that everyone is aware of: Prince of Peace, the Great Councilor, the Bridegroom, etc. It's the last one that I think of God as, I believe.

Before you think I am weird, let me explain. In Genesis 3:16, women are, well not "cursed exactly, but you get the picture, to forever desire the love of a man. It is in our blood to want to be loved and to want to love someone back. Half the time we can't help it. We fall in love with men who are terrible for us, who abuse us in some way. We suffer through puppy love in elementary school, often unrequited love in adolescence and desire, above all else, to be married. Some of us want to be loved so badly that our self-esteem is tied to our relationships with the opposite sex. If the boy who has caught our eye simply glances over you and lands on your tall, thin and blonde friend, most of us will feel not only hurt, but inferior as well. "What is wrong with me?" we'll ask ourselves. "Perhaps I should dye my hair; If I only lost those 8 lbs I gained last year after that horrible break-up... 5 inch heels! That's what I need! Then I can get a boy like that to like me!" We do not look at ourselves in the mirror seeing our beautiful blue eyes, cute sprinkling of freckles, or a curvy, womanly figure. Instead, those eyes, in ours, become horrifically asymmetrical, our unique freckles are "blemishes" that we can't seem to cover no matter how much concealer we apply, and our body is not curvy, it is chubby. Our personalities cannot be seen in the mirror (and not by an unknown but attractive man sitting across the room) and so they do not matter.

Back to Twilight, if I may. Bella, the hateful protagonist (if that's what you can call her), is a frail human who, in her own words, is not pretty or interesting in any meaningful way, and yet finds herself loved by a man described in every paragraph or so as "perfect," "angelic," and "beautiful." Here is a man that should not be in love with someone such as Bella. Indeed, there other people he could be with, models and actresses who are somewhat closer to his beauty but he chose to be with Bella. He looks past all her horrible whiny-ness and indecisiveness and stuff and he loves her!

Now to combine the two! I think you know where I'm going, huh? Not to sound heretical, but Bella is us, all of us (even though I hate to admit it!). And...if Bella is us, then Edward is Him. He loves us without question. Not in spite of, but because of our faults and insecurities. We are wonderful to him. We are His beloved and He is ours; He says to us that we are beautiful and that we have no faults. He is the perfect man, the perfect and truest love of our lives.

Think about that the next time you open New Moon.

I just got home from a walk. It wasn't a "I need some exercise" walk but a thinking walk. An escape walk. A clear my mind walk. Unfortunately it didn't really work, completely unsuccessful. Usually these things make me feel better; well, they used to. They haven't for an awful long time. And that's the problem. Nothing (or at least very few things) make me feel better. I'm tired of feeling anxious and stressed out for no reason. I'm tired of trying to smile because somehow that's better than crying although it's a lot harder. I'm not saying that there aren't times when I'm happy, there are many times. I just feel like these times are just sort of make-up that covers the bruises. But when do these individual problems collectively become an "issue." When do these things get too big for me to solve them by myself? When do I need to bring in other people, people who can handle it and take care of it? And what if these problems aren't really an "issue," just me being narcissistic and attention-grabbing? Do you see the problems? Do you have any answers? I'm thinking about "seeing" someone. I know there's nothing wrong with talking about your thingys with other people, people outside of your paradigm. Intellectually I know this. It's a different story though, emotionally. If I need to go to someone, if I need someone to show me how to fix me...it just isn't me. I'm weak, I know I am. Everyone tends to know I am. But how am I supposed to go through my life, knowing that I needed someone to show me the way through my own problems. And the thing is, there are sooo many more people who have bigger things to worry about than me, ya know? So many more people who have better reasons to need to see someone. And they don't. So what makes me so different.

All of these emotions are pouring on me, drowning me. I feel so out of place, like such an outsider. I don't know why; I've thought of so many reasons and so many different things to do to try to change this but I can't. I've felt like this for so long I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to react anymore to anything. I don't feel like I belong just about anywhere.

There are so many emotions going through me. I don't know what I'm doing ever. Ever. Oh God help me. I need you so much right now cuz I don't know what I'm doing anymore. i don't even know who I am anymore.

I'm not stressed, really I'm not. I'm not emotional either.

I've been thinking over the year (as we should all do when a new year is just within reach), thinking about the things that I am not proud of, the days I wouldn't take back for the largest ruby in the universe. So many things happened this year and, although I can't possibly recount everything that occurred and the people that have touched my life, I can say thank you and I do. You're all wonderful and I love you all, more than you know. You've all made my year interesting to say the least and even though it doesn't always seem like it, I'm extremely grateful for it.

Fish sticks.

So I'm at home again. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. It's no secret that being at home is hard for me. But then again, being at school was just as hard but in very different ways. I can't really explain it. I feel like that would be way too hard to do and honestly, I don't really feel like I could explain it without hurting people in some sort of way. I don't know.

I've been thinking a lot about what sort of person I am and what am I becoming. I don't know if I like what I'm becoming or at least part of it. I'm jealous a lot for some reason, over really little things. Or angry over little things. Although to be honest, I've always been like that. I don't really understand it. I think it's been worse because I had a really bad semester and all; not as bad as some people, but it was really stressful and tiring. I had some things messed up and I'm getting back on track, trying to get back to the way I was before, although to which before I'm really not sure.

I've also been thinking about my future. Or at least one part of my future. I don't really know what's going on with the rest of it. I'm just sort of floating about here and there, trying to do what I can but not really having an idea of what I want or need to do. It's hard. I'm at a crossroads. I think we all are, or at least most of us.

I don't know. That phrase is like my catch-phrase. I say/type it a lot. Everything's just gonna take time, lots of time. I'll talk to you all later.

I'm so angry! How can someone be so ruthless and hurtful? I don't understand. He's always saying "build people up!" That message did not build me up person! It tore me down. Made me feel like I wasn't worth it, worth anything. How dare you make me feel that way? I tried to be honest. Tried to tell you my feelings so you would maybe be aware of them so maybe things might change bit for the better, that you would try. You know, after things went down that scary night, I looked at you differently. Now I wonder if you would do the same thing for me or if, because we just don't "click" enough you "wouldn't notice" that I needed your help. You have no problem stating your opinion when I don't want it, when I don't need it but when I want to be around you you run the other way? You make extremely lame excuses for your behavior and I'm not going to take it. yeah, you're right. We don't all have to be amazing best friends, but I do think that we have to try to include people. If you were in the room, I would ask you if you wanted to do blank. You know why? Cuz I don't like to hurt people's feelings. However, for some odd reason, you seem to be thriving on it right now. You say I'm guilt tripping you. No, I'm not. I'm being honest with you. There's a huge difference. If I was guilt tripping you, I would have brought up our past and how you didn't hold up your end of the deal, after a month or so. But I didn't. Ugh! How dare you! And you'd better believe you will read this, one way or another.

Let me ask a couple questions. Do you love me? If I was mean, would you still love me? If I was angry at you, my life, the world, would your heart still call to mine? If I felt too ugly to go outside, would you pick me up and carry me out to see the world, and in doing so, pronounce to everyone that you love me the way I am? Do you think that you can handle my mood tornadoes? My indecisions? My disbelief? What if I told you I didn't love you anymore, what would you say? Would you quietly accept it and walk away, or would you continue to love and care for me? If I said to go away forever, to never ever show your face to me again, never hold my hand, what would you say? Because I can do this, I have done some of this. My disbelief and anger, my sadness and hurt, everything that is ugly about me can and does show through. So far, you have proven to be steady and unchanging in your care and love and forgiveness. And now here's a question for me: can I accept your care; can I grasp onto your love; and I take your forgiveness?

Mmmmm... I thought that it was going to be a good vacation, one that is full of non-stressful enjoyment, family fun and love amazingness. And it started to be, it really did. I don't feel that way right now though. I really don't.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. My sister and I used to be friends, when we were really little. We used to talk and tell each other lots and lots of stuff. When did that change? When did hardly knowing anything about each other become the norm? I don't understand. I want to change that but I don't know how. I don't know why she doesn't like me so much; I don't get it. I don't know if I want to get it because I'm tired of trying. She can talk to everyone but her family, everyone. It's not like I'm going to hate her when I find out what she's doing. I know some of it anyway for goodness sake. I just want to hear it from her. I want us to be sisters again, instead of two people who sometimes live in the same house together cuz that's what it's starting to feel like.

I often wonder why people can't see him through my eyes. Do they want to? Or is it just foggy for them? What can I do to clear that fog? Nothing, he has to do it for them.

I feel like I have to cry. Not an "ohmgosh, someone just hurt me bad" kind of cry but the kind of cry that bursts through all the frustration and the stress and, sometimes, the anger. The kind that will just flood all and every negative emotion that I have been holding in for a while and make it all go away. I don't know. Things are going on within me that I can't fully explain. Things were said last night at our meeting that made me realize I held on to somethings--okay, it didn't make me realize them. It just made me acknowledge them. I need to get rid of those things because things aren't the way they were a month ago or a year ago or even five years ago. I just don't really know what to do to release that.

It feels weird to not have Nic around. He's at home cuz it's his sister's birthday today. It's crazy how someone can so quickly become an intrical part of your life and your routine, huh? To be absolutely honest, sometimes I feel a little bad. I put a lot of effort (most of the time) into my relationship with Nic, but at what cost? Sometimes I feel like it is taking away my time with Him. I am definitely not saying that it is Nic's fault. I am not trying hard enough. I am allowing myself to fall into this rut and not grabbing anything to pull myself back up. I open my bible only at church really. That's once a week, for those of you who can't tell time. Last night also brought that up in me. I felt convicted; apparently not enough though cuz I fell asleep without reading or praying. I'm not saying that I am falling away, just to clarify. I'm not. I'm just not pursuing. I want that to change though. With His help, maybe it will.

I really should be working right now; it's a little early in the semester to be procrastinating, but I've already started so why stop right?? You can't procrastinate procrastination; it just sort of calls out to you saying, come! it's fun!! And so of course, I do what it says.

I know that this semester is not easy at all. I'm working a lot, taking a lot of credits, and slowly, ever so slowly killing myself. But ya know what? I'm okay with that. Things in my personal life aren't perfect but they're good ya know? I have momentary lapses into doubts and horrible insecurities but I have good friends and a good boyfriend. They are there for me when I need them so I have nothing to complain about. The hard work will go away gradually. Thanksgiving will be here soon and I'll be able to sleep in for a week at a time and then it'll be Christmas where I'm thinking about taking a few courses but it won't be nearly as bad because I'll still be able to have like 2 weeks with my family. And until then, I'll continue to do what I'm doing now. Working hard with a few sweet moments in between shifts and classes.

Everyone's just feeling really blah right now, ya know? Things are happening on the DL which are toying with a few people's emotions and other things are out in the open but noone talks about them for fear of hurting someones' emotions. I just had a thought, not to sound mean, but I sort of think that these things (whatever things, I'm not totally sure what I'm talking about) should be spoken aloud. I don't know.

A lot of relationship talk. It struck me the other day that I am the only one of my close friends who is in a relationship; it was weird because that NEVER happens. I'm not bragging (I know this sort of thing is a touchy sunject for lots of people), it's just something I noticed. For those who care, Nic and I are progressing along nicely. I see this going far if all is good and I don't get too afraid of commitment. That's an in and out sort of mood for me. Sometimes I don't mind thinking ahead; other times it turns my stomach. It's a good thing I have a boyfriend who is so patient, huh??

Speaking of patience, it's a good thing I have friends who are so patient too! I've been crabby and stuff lately and I've apologized to the people I think who have gotten the brunt of it all but I want to say it again: I'm sorry. I'm stretched so thin, ya know? It's like if I hang out with one person, then other people feel ignored. If I hang out with anyone, then school work goes undone. And then there's work which eats a HUGE chunk of my time and makes it difficult to do even the simplest of things with people. So annoying. But it's not like I can do anything about it. It's not really for me that I'm working for, it's for my family. They need the money more than I do. I have to help them; they've been helping me for 20 years. Who am I to say no now?

But yeah. Life is hard for everyone right now. This semester, I don't know what it is but this semester seems to be one of the most challenging years. I've had worse ones when it comes to emotions and stuff, but this is definitely not an easy one. But then again, it might also be one of the most rewarding. We just have to work through it and keep going. Life isn't supposed to be easy I guess. And it is most certainly not. It's a test; a very hard and long test of endurance.