The World as I Know it

So, I am sitting here, in the Cuba Library, staring up at a rather impressive and dramatic portrait of Fidel Castro, thinking, where is my life going? When am I going to rage a diplomatic-turned-communist-regime revolution? Is it even possible for an 18 year old girl to do that? I think back and I remember Joan of Arc, but she was french, so she doesn't count. Just kidding!

But seriously, when am I going to get my chance to rule the world and what would it be like if I did? I swear to you, it would be amazing--for me. I would sit on chinese silk pillows, lavish myself with the best jewels in the world. I would be glittering like the sun at noon with all of the precious metals which I would surround myself with. You, on the other hand, would be put in mines, so I could get said jewels, and have to kill a major population of the silk worm (but hey, with global warming in our wake, there going to eventually die anyway, why not help them out a bit?) I would be eating rich wonderful foods, like chocolate, and all the italian dishes I could ever dream of. You? you would probably be eating "oatmeal" which in fact is just a dish filled with water and left-overs from the pigs.

But don't worry, my revolution isn't today, or even tomorrow. But it will be soon. I just know it. So all I can ask is: What now, Punk?

So, last year seems to have been an extreme change for me and I have carried it onto the new year! I have cut my hair super, super, super short. I mean short short. Shorter than I ever have. & although it's not exactly the way I wanted, I adore it. I think it looks really good on me. I hope others will say the same; I've gotten a lot of compliments on it.

So, i am at home and I can def. feel it. It's getting really annoying. I really wanna go back to school. Everyone here is getting kind of annoying, not lying. The fact that I have money and my family doesn't doesn't help either. I mean, I know that they gave birth to me and raised me, i'm not trying to sound ungrateful or anything. But God!!! I'm trying to go to school here guys!!!

Anyway, here's a weird and bad tidbit. Hillary Clinton won New Hampshire. Which is okay I guess, but I'm totally for Barak Obama and want him to be the democratic nominee. However I have decided to take a harsh look at Clinton's platform and see if she's any good just in case, God forbid, that people decide that Obama doesn't have enough experience, which is a plausible and logical thought process.

See you later!!

Okay, so I just read Misty's blog (it's was sooo freakin' easy to guess it Mimi, all I did was put emo, a.k.a one of the only things you use a lot, in the bar thingy up above and it popped up; you should really think about getting rid of the history; Mimi please don't stop writing in it. I won't tell mama if you stop telling mine to her) and her's is extrememly honest. I mean extremely. And I love it but I find it a bit disturbing. I feel like I don't even know my own sister. Do you know how much of a horrible feeling that is? I've been gone for 4 months and everything has changed. Or has she always been like this and I just never noticed. Is she that good at hiding things or is it that I'm just not an observant person? IDK. It scares me to know that I had to read a blog in order to know that my sister has a boyfriend or that his ex-girlfriend is a "sl*t-faced bitch." And what the heck is #3?? I'm terrified of number three. I hope it's simply eating a lot of chocolate but I don't think it is.

Anyway, her blog is sooo freaking honest, I'm talking insanely, wonderfully honest (she doesn't care who she hurts! IDK how she can do that but I want to do it too!) so I've decided to be more open. In truth, this blog is supposed to be like a journal for me, a place to vent, but there are people reading this who I want to vent about you know? So I don't. But no more, or at least not so much. I hate feeling like crap and writing get's it out. So, here it goes.

I'm so tired of people calling me a prep. My God! Okay, so maybe I've changed, maybe my choice of clothing has changed a little or my choice of music. Whatever, but I am not a prep because a prep now, in this group is considered a bad thing. A prep is basically defined as a person who is a spoiled brat who doesn't care who they hurt because they only care for themselves. Let's see, is that me? No, duh. If that was me, I'd be wearing much nicer clothes, not buying christmas presents or trying to help my parents out a little. This venting process would have happened soooo long ago. So guess what guys, I'm not a prep, at least not in your terms.

Mmm, another thing. About me being "fiscally irresponsible." I'm sorry, but going to a college that is far outside your, and your parents, ability to pay seems a little "fiscally irresponsible to me." So what, I want an iPod; but I'm buying it, not my mom and dad, me! So get over it! I'm going through college without my parents helping me. I got a summer job (a sucky one) in order to do that. My parents have 2 other kids here who they have to support so I try not to be much of a pest on them. They don't send me however amount of money a month. I survive by myself. And idc if you have to buy your own food. You should have accounted for that when you decided to go there. It's not exactly my fault, ya know? So don't go getting all defensive about how I want an iPod or how I got a new phone. I'm buying all of these things w/o help so get off my back.

Yeah and I'm also tired of people screaming at me saying "how do you ever meet people?" "You say your more outgoing but you don't do anything." Well guess what? This is me. This has been me since you have met me. It's time you got used to it and it's time you got over it. This is the way I am. I will go and meet people on my own terms. Not everyone else's. Maybe I'm just uncomfortable around the sort of people that you all want me to hang around with, ya know? Your people may not be my people. But if they are, I'll find out when I feel comfortable finding out. If you push me, I'm not gonna like it and am probably gonna not like you afterward.

Okay, I think I'm done for right now. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone especially one person b/c the majority (if not all of it) is directed to them, but it had to come out. I'm tired of holding everything in. This is supposed to be a blog, one that I can say anything on. And so I have. Anyway, I'll ttyl. Bye!!
Loves you guys!!

So, it's been a freaking month and I haven't told you guys anything; this is bad because most of the people who read this I don't see very often. So here it goes:

I'm home (yay!) and although I wasn't really feeling it before I left, I'm happy now that I'm here. I mean, college is sooo stressful that it's cool just to hang out and sleep until 2 in the afternoon and not have to do anything, ya know? The only bad thing about staying at home is that I don't go back until the twenty-third (misty's birthday) and I can't see anyone til then. It kind of sucks but what am I supposed to do? I might be going to Rochester to visit Matt, Ryan, Shannan, and Tom but I probably won't; Daddy works during that time so there's really nothing I can do. It sucks but what can I do? I think I'm gonna get my hair cut and dyed with the money that I'm saving from not going to Rochester. I might even get my permit which is gonna rock! IDK. It doesn't really matter what I do b/c I'm still gonna be here for another month. Yeah, so that's about it. Bye!

Long title but oh well. As it states, though, my blog, which is more like a diary I allowed a select few to read (i.e. Beth, Ryan, and Shannan) is not so exclusive anymore because one of those select few, not saying any names but it starts with a B and ends in an ETH, told someone else (like Fiona) who told her mom who told Alex who's best friends with Misty who read it aloud to my mother!! How freaking wonderful is that?!? Thanks guys! Love you all too! So now my feelings that I must censor everything has tripled. So... guess you're just gong to have to try to figure out what I'm talking about by yourselves. P.S. not really gonna write anything important on here because my mother said one more thing that's bad and she's gonna take me home. Yet again, thanks guys!!

So, I have a friend who is getting into some really bad things. I never in a million years thought they would do the things that they are doing but here they are, doing them anyway. And I told them a million times that this is wrong, that whatever you're doing you need to stop but did they listen? No, of course not. Why listen to Heather, she only knows you. But this person is drinking and making "friends" with the worst people possible. And the worst part is, is that where before I felt close to this person, I feel like they're a completely different person. I don't think I changed that much but, IDK. I really don't know. I feel like when I'm around this person, that I just want to blow up at them and tell them all the things I feel but I just can't. They're messing up their lives but whenever I even attempt to tell them this, they turn it around on me or start projecting their feelings or justifying what they did or whatever. IDC why you are doing these things, just stop them. IDC that you had a bad day (I mean, I do, but not in this context). Does your bad day give you a reason to do all these things? I mean, seriously.



Other then that, everything is pretty good here. So, um.... love you all! Byez!

Okay, this might take a seriously long time to get down everything I want to say, so I'm sorry beforehand. This might also be extremely confusing--trust me, I know b/c it's confusing to me.

This past weekend, I went to the BASIC conference. For those of you who don't know what BASIC is, it's a Christian organization for college campuses, Brothers And Sisters In Christ. I never went to a single meeting before this past Tuesday b/c I have a class at that time, but I have been going to church. The conference was so much fun and very emotional but let me start in the beginning, on Friday.

That Thursday night/Friday morning, Shannan, Ryan and I had stayed up all night; we were up long enough to drive to Fulton to eat breakfast at a drive-in diner. So needless to say, we were all extremely tired. When Ryan and I saw how long the first service was on Friday, we were like, "this is not going to work." We figured that we just really couldn't do it, at all. We were too tired and the service was somewhere along the lines of 3 1/2 to 4 hours long, which is insane. We proceeded to sit away from our group, nearer to the back where we could sneak out or doze off and no one would notice us.

We really didn't expect it to affect us the way it had. I mean, I had always liked worship in church and, even though Isaiah 6 was there, it felt like the same to me. The sermon was fun; Pastor Pierre was funny and could relate to a bunch of college kids. But the prayer ministry thing was absolutely...well, emotional. Ryan and I both said "let's go up and get prayed for; try to heal our sins and whatever." We walked up to the front where over half I'd say of the people in the conference were and waited for a person (there were designated prayer people) to open up. I picked a random guy who I saw was open and said that I wanted to be closer to God. That I wanted a real, personal relationship with Him. Debbie, a woman from church and the advisor of BASIC saw me and took me. I started crying when I told her I what I wanted and how much I had searched for Him. She prayed that I would find what I needed, what I wanted and told me that for some people it was a gradual process; that even in the thirty years since she's been a true Christian that she's still working on that.

I didn't stop crying until around 11:30 that night. I went from being sad that I didn't have the relationship with God that everyone around me seemed to have to being angry with Him that he hadn't given me that relationship, that other people, it seemed like, had been born with that inside them and it never left. But afterward, I was so happy and hyper. It was like that all weekend; I would be crying one minute and smiling and laughing the next.

On Saturday, we (Ryan, Brian, Matt, Shannan, Michelle, Nick, Brent, and I) went to Ryan's house for lunch. Being around his family made me want to be around mine, especially my sisters. I don't get to talk to them that much, mostly because Kat's in bed when I call and Misty just doesn't seem to want to talk to me. That really hurt to tell the truth. I miss them so bad (it's actually gotten to the point that I miss Misty) and I just wanted to talk to them, to ask them how their days were. But they didn't want to talk to me.

Shannan told me something that day. God wants to hold my heart in his hands and protect it from all the little straight-pins of hurt that are lodged inside it now. Nothing will hurt me again and that the wounds from the pins will heal. I hope so b/c there are so many things that I'm in pain over and they're the stupidest things ever; I'm not even sure people realize that they're hurting me when they do it.

On Sunday, we came home, here to Oswego, and Ryan decided that he wanted to have a cleansing ceremony. He dumped out all his whiskey that he had and wrote prayers; prayers for himself, prayers for Mike, just prayers to help him stop drinking and to be a better Christian. Shannan, Matt, and I walked down to the Lake with him and he prayed for a while then threw the first bottle into the lake. He was hoping and praying that the waves wouldn't bring the bottle back, and they didn't. He then went to get the next bottle and did the same thing. He was so close to the edge and the waves were so bad that I thought he was going to get himself killed but then I remember thinking that God wouldn't allow that to happen. That that's just not the way He works.

Then on Tuesday, we went to the BASIC meeting even though I had sociology. Ryan was giving a testimony of what the weekend had meant to him and he wanted me to be there. I ended up giving a testimony of my own, though it was so not as impressive as Ryan's. It was kind of stupid now that I think about it. I basically said that b/c of the weekend, I was closer to where I wanted to be spiritually, which was absolutely true, but sort of lame. The only thing that was really awesome about my entire testimony was my welcome from the people there. I don't know half of those people but they were clapping and everything; I have to admit, it was pretty cool.

IDK about it all now, though. I mean, the weekend was great, but all it seemed to accomplish was getting more and more people to gain up on me about what I believe. Ryan is most definitely on Matt and Brian's side now on that aspect. Religion is a major thing in my life, whether he believes it or not and whenever he makes these little comments about me not accepting Christianity, it feels like he's pouring salt over the wound. He had an uber conversion and I didn't. I'm sorry but I can't make a split-second decision; I've never been able to. I know I don't have anything to lose but I don't want to be a hypocrite if I decide I don't want this and I don't want this to be false. I want this to be real, and I don't know if what I'm feeling is, or if it's just left-over conference emotions.

Academically, things are getting more and more difficult. I'm behind on my readings in everything. I have a paper due soon; I've skipped 2 soc classes. IDK what to do. And, Bridgette still isn't talking to me. I seriously doubt she even goes to church anymore because of this thing. Ryan and I are absolutely okay with her now; it's just her that's making it this way. Brian is driving me crazy all of a sudden. He's always so happy and expects me to be happy or to at least let him try to make me happy. And guess what Brian, I can't always be happy and you can't always make me happy! And, whenever he's not happy, he won't tell me why but I'm supposed to tell him why I'm unhappy all the time. I mean seriously, how fair is that. To make matters worse, Alicia, my room-mate, always has her boyfriend over in our room (he's here now as I write this) and it just makes me uncomfortable. I really do hate it.

Well, I honestly think that that is a long enough post for right now. TTUL

So, this is what has happened. I lost a friend; how fantastic. This is how it went:

Bridgette is always on Ryan's case about his drinking, everyone is, so I try to stand up for him a bit (not that he needs it, but that's just how I am). She freaked out on him Tuesday night/Wednesday morning but we (me and Steph) managed to stop them from arguing more. However, Ryan really wanted to talk to her, and he tried. She got defensive as soon as he started to say, "I want to talk to you." I could completely tell that this was going to be a waste of time and guess what? It was. So then Ryan got upset and erased her "happy birthday" messages from her white board but I stopped him from writing anything else. I tried to talk to her in the bathroom as we were brushing our teeth but she blew up at me because I defended Ryan. She then went on to imply that I was a whore.

Last night, I messaged her on facebook and this morning I go to talk to her. She doesn't listen to me, like always, and just keeps talking and talking. I barely get to say anything, which is so stupid. Then she says that she just wants to drop me and Ryan; by this time, I'm basically just about crying. I tell her whatever. That I still want to be her friend and that if she ever decides that she can deal with me being friends with Ryan then she knows where I am. She also said she was wrong to imply that I was a whore but later she basically called me it again. How nice, huh?

I'm trying to move past the hurt, sad, depressed stage into the full-fledged angry stage but it's not really working. I'm flip-flopping right now from both. Why do I always have to say sorry, why do I always have to make the concessions? I feel like, in all my relationships here, that I'm the only one that tries; except with Ryan, we don't get mad at each other. I don't know. Everyone's driving me crazy!!

And, she got rid of me as a friend in facebook. Beth, if you're reading this, I'm going insane. Help me!