The World as I Know it

I read in the Radical Reformation that there are two different kinds of sin, universal and particular. Universal are the ones that are the same for everyone (i.e. murder, adultery, etc), particular sins are those which are only a problem for certain individuals (like drinking or gambling). At the time, I had long since realized which universal sins I was constantly falling into (duh!), but didn't quite see my particular sin as clearly. Now I do.

"...they have not obeyed me or followed my law. Instead they have followed the stubborness of their hearts..." (Jer. 9:13b-14a) In teh margins of my bible, I had to write "that's me!" because it so it! I am so stubborn! God sends clear and distince messages to me to stop what I am doing. After I ask for signs to show that I'm wrong, He sends me one that someone in China could see it's so clear! And yet, I still go on and continue whatever I'm doing. This is not only blatently ignoring and turning away from God, but it is food to my sinful nature.

My stubborness, my inability to let go of my old way of life, my pride, my expectations, of my own strength, weakened me and made me susceptible to sin. It is hard to let go of something that is so ingrained within us, but it must be done. We all have this insane urge to survive, one that is so biologically embedded into our DNA that most people would kill others before letting thmselves die. Jesus fought this instinct and won. Because of Him, we all have hope for the future. I must look to Him for the strength, the courage and teh example, for He is those things embodied.
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"I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for mat to direct his steps. Correct me, O Lord, but only justice--not in your anger, lest you reduce me to nothing" (Jer. 10:23-24).

My life is not my own; I did not will myself into existence, so why do I continue to act as if I have? I do things that I wouldn't do to someone else's belongings. So why do I do this?

I am stubborn in more ways than one. I refuse to believe that this life is not my own, that the things I do are things that are for me. I guess perhaps my stubborness is a perverse, hidden form of narcism or egotism.

I will be the first to say that I am not the most self-loving person (which can sometimes be a good thing), so to realize that I have a hidden thing within myself frightens me.

But there is hope: the rest of the passage. "Correct me, O Lord..." And I believe I will be corrected, that He will correct me. He has pointed out what I am doing and that knowledge is the first step. He has shown me the way and I shall do my best to walk in that way (Jer. 7:23).

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I must say, that at first, I thought that this chapter (Jeremiah 11) was redundant for the most part. Then a thought came to me. If it is repeated, it must be important. So, here's what I got:

1) do NOT follow "the stubborness of [your] evil hearts" (v.8)
2)OBEY! (v. 4, 7)
3)LISTEN! (v. 8, 10)

The Lord will have his vengence. We are made to go with Him. He rejoices in it. But to go against Him is to go against our very nature, and that always has bad consequences. Do not be "like a gentle lamb led to teh slaughter" (v. 19). Be a warrior and flight! Obey and listen to your father, your Lord. You will not be forgotten.

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Pride is a hurtful thing. So much of our sin stems from our pride. We think we know best, we think we can do something the best; we think we are the best.

But the Lord dispises pride--as He should! Who are we tho think we're awesome?!? "Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind?...Have you ever given orders to teh morning, or shown the dawn its place...? (Job 38:37, 12).

In Jeremiah's time, there was a mad amount of pride in Jerusalem. They worshipped other gods because they thought they could make better ones. They stopped listening because they were obviously better...or so they thought.

But God is greater than us, greater than anyone. he is the great I Am. if that doesn't show how amazing He is, that He can simply state that He is, than nothing will.

We have no reason for pride. Compared to God, we are just about nothing. It is His grace and His mercy that allows us to continue being. We will never be as good as God, will will never reach the divine, so "come down from your thrones, for your glorious crowns will fall from your hands" (Jer. 13:18).

___AND FINALLY..._______

Without the Lord in our lives,we are not fulfilled. Jerusalem figured that out when a great drought struck the land. In truth, the drought was just a physical emulation of a spiritual drought which had begun long ago.

The culture, the lives of Jerusalem was disrupted because of a lack of God: "the ground is cracked because there is no rain in the land;" (Jer. 14:4). Our souls are no different. "...my soul thirsts for You; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water" (Ps. 63:1). So don't delay. Fill up your cup daily, for in a hot world such as this one, we constantly need to drink.

Dear you,
You have been my one of my best friends here for a year and a half. We have gone through many things together. Too many to count. And yet, this semester, we probably haven't been on speaking terms for half of it. I hate that.

I realize that you're hurt and that you have your own issues to deal with but you said that i could come to you, that you wanted us to be back to the way it was before. I reached out to you! I asked to come to that meeting for a reason. I needed to know that I could come to you, that you would be there for me and that you would forgive me for messing up our friendship so bad. And you gave me such a hard time about it. You said that you weren't going to come if I didn't tell you what it was about. Why does it matter? I wanted you in my life again. I wanted you to be one of the first people I call when I'm upset. I wanted you there. That hurt so bad but not as much as you walking out. I got a lot out of that night and wish you could have been a part of it, but you weren't. I don't know why, but you didn't feel like it. I wanted you to be there so badly, more than anyone else really. And it hurts to know that I mean so little to you that you couldn't stay for me. I don't know what I wanted from that meeting. Accountibility, friendship, simply knowing that I could go to other people because I miss them; I miss you.

I need you in my life (as weird as that sounds). Because I can't do this by myself; I've tried. It doesn't work. I miss him, I won't lie to you. I do. I wish I didn't, but I do. And I know that for the most part, this is between God and I, but I need to know that you will be there too.

I'm going home on Wednesday and I don't want to not talk to you for an entire month. It's too hard. It hurts too much.

I've recently realized how stupid I am. Please dispose of all the nonsense that I have put in your head. It's done. It's over. I cannot believe what I did and what I almost lost. Makes me cry and laugh at the same time. Gosh I'm stupid...

****honest, honest post*****

I don't know if any of you have ever felt this way--the way you're acting, I would say no. I don't know if you have ever been annoyed when someone mentioned God, if you didn't want to go somewhere because you knew there'd be God talk, if you just wanted to get a bunch of new friends because then you wouldn't have to deal with it. If you ever felt like if you never talked about God, that might be alright.

I also don't know if, when you feel like this, if you feel guilty. If you feel annoyed at yourself. If you feel bad. If, when you actually allow yourself to think about it, you know that it wouldn't be alright. It's not alright now, so why would it be alright then? If you knew you would miss your friends. If you knew that you would miss Him, even if you only think this maybe fourty percent of the time.

I don't know if you can remember the first time you truly felt God's love; I can't. I don't know if you feel like maybe you've become a better person because of having Jesus in your life; I don't have an answer for that one. I don't know if you feel like you lost the very thing that made you part of the group you are in now so in a sense, you lost the group; I do.

I don't know if you've ever felt like it just wasn't worth it. If He wasn't (though even as I type this I know He is), if simply living wasn't. If you've ever wondered how many pills it would take to get rid of the hurt that isn't physical and isn't emotional, but purely spiritual. If you've ever wondered what could fill the hole that is in your life...guys? drinking? drugs? If you ever thought, "well, I tried the God route, and it's obviously not working, so why bother?" or "i've already failed. who cares if i do this thing?"

You are probably thinking this, with something coming right after it that tries to make it sound better, but I'm going to be honest. More honest than I have been in a long time. I'm falling. I tried coming back but it's so hard. The path back is up-hill in a torrential rain storm that is constantly making you slide further and further down until it doesn't matter anymore. Until you are so tired, until you can barely see anything else, until you just don't have any fight left inside. I think I have given up. I think that I am at that point. I'm at that point that I don't see anyway out, so... I'm just giving in now. You all have been thinking this; I'm just vocalizing it.

There's no one in my room. Just me. It full of stuff that I hold dear, of things I would rather get rid of, of things that are essential to my survival as a nineteen year old, and things that I hold onto just because. But there's no other living thing in it besides my cacti; they don't really count.

I'm surrounded by people every day. I'm in classes which have anywhere from twenty to one hundred other people in it. I hear conversations going on around me; I see the emotions in their words, in the tone. I hear the the tears in my own, even if no one else does. I touch the fear and the sadness, even if no one does. I smell the pain and the hurt, even if no one does.

And no one does, do they? I go through the day with a smile on my face for the most part. I am happy and bright and cheerful. Does anyone realize what a mask this is? Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I figure it out walking to class, talking to someone, in the middle of dinner.

Tears are streaming down my face and I can't stop them. I don't want to stop them. I don't care if it is temporary; I want to stay in bed and let the world go on without me. It does anyway. Why go out and worry about what people are thinking, what they are saying, what they are seeing?

I was happy this weekend. I wasn't good this weekend, but I was happy. Meals didn't make my heart hurt. I didn't have so much emotions internally that they had to become external. No, I take that back.

I have them. And sometimes, I have him. And even less frequently it seems, I have Him. But I don't truly have them it feels like. I cannot talk to them. It will hurt when they leave, but I can't talk to them. Having Him is such a sporadic event now. When I do have Him, I think about the things I have done. I think about how I'm simply not worth it. It's the same for him. Except I will never truly have him. he likes her. no, he loves her. i am not worth the commitment. she is. i'm not. except my mind, being as it is, cannot understand that. to my mind, it doesn't matter. for those minutes, those hours, i do have him. it's making me lose Him more though, as well as making me lose him for other reasons. and them. and me. but i don't know who that is anymore, so i guess that that doesn't matter that much.

i'm sorry if this is emo-tastic. i guess i just feel that way tonight. i'll be over it soon. i always am. it's just a crappy time. i'll be done with this and happy again.