The World as I Know it

There's no one in my room. Just me. It full of stuff that I hold dear, of things I would rather get rid of, of things that are essential to my survival as a nineteen year old, and things that I hold onto just because. But there's no other living thing in it besides my cacti; they don't really count.

I'm surrounded by people every day. I'm in classes which have anywhere from twenty to one hundred other people in it. I hear conversations going on around me; I see the emotions in their words, in the tone. I hear the the tears in my own, even if no one else does. I touch the fear and the sadness, even if no one does. I smell the pain and the hurt, even if no one does.

And no one does, do they? I go through the day with a smile on my face for the most part. I am happy and bright and cheerful. Does anyone realize what a mask this is? Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I figure it out walking to class, talking to someone, in the middle of dinner.

Tears are streaming down my face and I can't stop them. I don't want to stop them. I don't care if it is temporary; I want to stay in bed and let the world go on without me. It does anyway. Why go out and worry about what people are thinking, what they are saying, what they are seeing?

I was happy this weekend. I wasn't good this weekend, but I was happy. Meals didn't make my heart hurt. I didn't have so much emotions internally that they had to become external. No, I take that back.

I have them. And sometimes, I have him. And even less frequently it seems, I have Him. But I don't truly have them it feels like. I cannot talk to them. It will hurt when they leave, but I can't talk to them. Having Him is such a sporadic event now. When I do have Him, I think about the things I have done. I think about how I'm simply not worth it. It's the same for him. Except I will never truly have him. he likes her. no, he loves her. i am not worth the commitment. she is. i'm not. except my mind, being as it is, cannot understand that. to my mind, it doesn't matter. for those minutes, those hours, i do have him. it's making me lose Him more though, as well as making me lose him for other reasons. and them. and me. but i don't know who that is anymore, so i guess that that doesn't matter that much.

i'm sorry if this is emo-tastic. i guess i just feel that way tonight. i'll be over it soon. i always am. it's just a crappy time. i'll be done with this and happy again.