Tuesday, December 9, 2008
****honest, honest post*****
I don't know if any of you have ever felt this way--the way you're acting, I would say no. I don't know if you have ever been annoyed when someone mentioned God, if you didn't want to go somewhere because you knew there'd be God talk, if you just wanted to get a bunch of new friends because then you wouldn't have to deal with it. If you ever felt like if you never talked about God, that might be alright.
I also don't know if, when you feel like this, if you feel guilty. If you feel annoyed at yourself. If you feel bad. If, when you actually allow yourself to think about it, you know that it wouldn't be alright. It's not alright now, so why would it be alright then? If you knew you would miss your friends. If you knew that you would miss Him, even if you only think this maybe fourty percent of the time.
I don't know if you can remember the first time you truly felt God's love; I can't. I don't know if you feel like maybe you've become a better person because of having Jesus in your life; I don't have an answer for that one. I don't know if you feel like you lost the very thing that made you part of the group you are in now so in a sense, you lost the group; I do.
I don't know if you've ever felt like it just wasn't worth it. If He wasn't (though even as I type this I know He is), if simply living wasn't. If you've ever wondered how many pills it would take to get rid of the hurt that isn't physical and isn't emotional, but purely spiritual. If you've ever wondered what could fill the hole that is in your life...guys? drinking? drugs? If you ever thought, "well, I tried the God route, and it's obviously not working, so why bother?" or "i've already failed. who cares if i do this thing?"
You are probably thinking this, with something coming right after it that tries to make it sound better, but I'm going to be honest. More honest than I have been in a long time. I'm falling. I tried coming back but it's so hard. The path back is up-hill in a torrential rain storm that is constantly making you slide further and further down until it doesn't matter anymore. Until you are so tired, until you can barely see anything else, until you just don't have any fight left inside. I think I have given up. I think that I am at that point. I'm at that point that I don't see anyway out, so... I'm just giving in now. You all have been thinking this; I'm just vocalizing it.
