The World as I Know it

So, I went to bible study last night and I ended up crying after it. It wasn't what anyone said or didn't say; it was more of a disappointment in my life. I felt like a hypocrite because for the longest time, I didn't know what was happening in my life. I felt like it was as if I was just trying to find God in order to be closer with my friends, if that makes sense? I used the analogy, everyone is wearing a red shirt, and I'm wearing a yellow shirt, so I want to go out and buy a freaking amazing red shirt. And that didn't seem like it was right to me. I mean, I gave my life over to God, and to have these feelings and thoughts was like me lying to God. And that's just wrong, and it really started getting my down lately.

I left bible study right after and Ryan knew. I don't know how he knows these things, but he just does. I needed to get my feelings out because I've been holding them back for so long; I just started crying. I told Ryan that I didn't want to do this anymore; that whatever was going to happen just wasn't worth me fighting for more than 12 years in order to do it. But as soon as I said it, I knew that that wasn't really what I wanted. I hated, and still do, the thought of not having the love of God in my life; but at the same time I was devastated because I felt like I wasn't feeling it everyday like other people seem to. I was ready to give up.

After I left Ryan and went to my room, Shannan came (God, I love that girl. She is amazing.) She gave me a hug and said that I might wanna give up but that He doesn't want to give up on me and he won't and neither will she. I guess that that was what I wanted and needed to hear. I had been feeling like God was just ignoring me, that He didn't care anymore. I had been feeling so lost for so long, and I felt terrible about myself that I was like, "why should someone who is so wonderful even want me? why would he even look at me with love or understanding, or even tolerance?" Shannan also knew that I had been feeling numb (Ryan sure does know who to tell in order for me to get the most out of it.) She quoted a verse in the bible (1 Kings 19:11-12) which said that God isn't truly the amazing, psych-ed up feeling that you get during the BASIC conference, or church, or Bible study. It is the "gentle whisper," the one that guides you along through your life and just allows you to be at peace with yourself and others no matter where you are. Did I mention that I absolutely adore that girl? She is very good at this sort of thing.

Then I just wanted to leave. I had been crying so much, I just wanted to get out, so I asked if anyone wanted to go to Late Night. I asked Matt to go too and (surprisingly) he did--I'm fairly certain Shannan had something to do with that. Shannan said that I should talk to him because he is pretty good at explaining things in the way that is blunt but not (too) hurtful.

So while everyone was still at Late Night, he and I left and walked back. Now Matt and I do not have the sort of relationship that I have with Ryan and Shannan. I don't tell him things; it's just the way these things are. It's gotten better but it's still not up there, so I felt kind of awkward talking to him about something that was deeply personal. So for about an hour and a half I didn't. We talked about the super bowl party and the stupid things he's done and politics, and Brian jokes. We went down to Shannan's room where Ryan, Kelly, and Shannan. At around midnight, I was ready to talk, but I wasn't sure if he still wanted to; I mean, this kid goes to bed at 11:00 every night. I haven't ever seen him up past 12:30. But I made my way to leave and he went with me. I went to my room and he came in; yet again, this is the kid who thinks it's weird to be in a girls room. I was super surprised. And after a couple of questions from him (and hearing exactly what he knew from Ryan--who definitely helped me out last night), I started talking. I don't exactly know what I learned from him except that it's hard for everyone, no matter what, and that I'm a "baby christian," but everything helped.

I also now have a miracle-saving thing of my own. I told Matt how I had tried so many different things, wicca, Islam, whatever, and he said that I knew so much stuff about other religions and that was probably not making my choice easier. Which was absolutely true; if you have more choices, it's not as easy to decide which one's the truth. But then he said that it was amazing that I had come as close as I am. With having known so many things, I should be so far away from God, but I'm not terribly far. That in itself is so great. I have so many choices and I can compare so many things, that for me to say that this is the one is so perfect. Granted, I'm not completely sure, but to have enough trust and faith to give my life over, and to try to find the truth, is awesome (the actual sense of the word, not the American sense of the word--which, being the only nation in the world to go into space...whatever, Eddie Izzard connection).

But after talking to so many people, I felt so much better. I seriously did/do. I woke up, having only like 3 1/2 to 4 hours of sleep, I feel good. I feel like God does care about me and I probably just have to go through this. It's not supposed to be easy, like Matt says. I just didn't realize it was going to be so hard. But once I'm over this, once I have gotten rid of the majority of the doubting thoughts in my head, I believe that this is going to benefit me in ways that arent' known yet (obviously. duh-moment. it's going to happen in the future, so of course they aren't known.)

I just wanna say, thanks guys!!! Love you all!

So, what up? This semester, I have made it my goal in life to be freaking amazing at just about every class. That's going to be significantly difficult because I'm probably going to fall asleep in some of them--I already have. But I'm going to try to do it anyway. That girl in my Arabic class will not get a chance to answer my questions; I'm going to be answering hers. I'm not going to need any help in my pre-calc class either because I'm going to be awesome. I've decided this.

I went to church today; it was the first time in 1 1/2 months and it felt amazing. I missed worship, I really did. Everything was so amazing and I felt wonderful afterward. The pastor (who was actually the youth pastor) talked about how we need to be alone and just let God do his thing with us and I knew that that was what needed to happen to me. Last night I felt it but I didn't really do it. Today I felt it to, and I did get alone for a while but nothing happened. I don't know, maybe He needs some time. Maybe I need to be in the right place before He will come. I just don't know; but then again, I'm not supposed to.

I got so much homework in the first 2 days of classes. But I was super productive this weekend. All I need to do is read for geology which is awesome. I also need to work on my math homework but that's not due until Friday and I can have a partner for that so I'm going to talk to someone in my class tomorrow and see if they want to do it together. Today I went to the library and I spent an hour and a half doing the recommended problems for pre-calc. I want, no, I need to understand this stuff. It just has to happen. And I am going to do it.

I'm back in Oswego and I must admit, it kind of feels like it did when I first came here, except I know people now. It's hard to get back in the groove of things, ya know? Especially when it feels like so much has changed and so many people have changed with them. It's a weird feeling.

Classes have started. I fell asleep in my geology class today. It was the first class for crying out loud!! I don't know how in the world i did it, but I did and that's a bad sign I think. But Thursdays are hard. I have a 3 hour geology lab and then I go straight into an hour and 20 minute geology lecture. I mean, come on! Give a girl a break! Do you really think I care that much about geology? Your wrong. It's just a bunch of rocks and if I really have to sit in a single subject for over 4 hours, then I will turn into a bunch of rocks. How retarded is that?

Tomorrow's gonna be interesting. I have 4 classes. Honors 141, English 204Hon, Math 120 (Pre-Calc) and then off to my second semester of Arabic. Busy day tomorrow so I should probably go now.

So, I am sitting here, in the Cuba Library, staring up at a rather impressive and dramatic portrait of Fidel Castro, thinking, where is my life going? When am I going to rage a diplomatic-turned-communist-regime revolution? Is it even possible for an 18 year old girl to do that? I think back and I remember Joan of Arc, but she was french, so she doesn't count. Just kidding!

But seriously, when am I going to get my chance to rule the world and what would it be like if I did? I swear to you, it would be amazing--for me. I would sit on chinese silk pillows, lavish myself with the best jewels in the world. I would be glittering like the sun at noon with all of the precious metals which I would surround myself with. You, on the other hand, would be put in mines, so I could get said jewels, and have to kill a major population of the silk worm (but hey, with global warming in our wake, there going to eventually die anyway, why not help them out a bit?) I would be eating rich wonderful foods, like chocolate, and all the italian dishes I could ever dream of. You? you would probably be eating "oatmeal" which in fact is just a dish filled with water and left-overs from the pigs.

But don't worry, my revolution isn't today, or even tomorrow. But it will be soon. I just know it. So all I can ask is: What now, Punk?

So, last year seems to have been an extreme change for me and I have carried it onto the new year! I have cut my hair super, super, super short. I mean short short. Shorter than I ever have. & although it's not exactly the way I wanted, I adore it. I think it looks really good on me. I hope others will say the same; I've gotten a lot of compliments on it.

So, i am at home and I can def. feel it. It's getting really annoying. I really wanna go back to school. Everyone here is getting kind of annoying, not lying. The fact that I have money and my family doesn't doesn't help either. I mean, I know that they gave birth to me and raised me, i'm not trying to sound ungrateful or anything. But God!!! I'm trying to go to school here guys!!!

Anyway, here's a weird and bad tidbit. Hillary Clinton won New Hampshire. Which is okay I guess, but I'm totally for Barak Obama and want him to be the democratic nominee. However I have decided to take a harsh look at Clinton's platform and see if she's any good just in case, God forbid, that people decide that Obama doesn't have enough experience, which is a plausible and logical thought process.

See you later!!

Okay, so I just read Misty's blog (it's was sooo freakin' easy to guess it Mimi, all I did was put emo, a.k.a one of the only things you use a lot, in the bar thingy up above and it popped up; you should really think about getting rid of the history; Mimi please don't stop writing in it. I won't tell mama if you stop telling mine to her) and her's is extrememly honest. I mean extremely. And I love it but I find it a bit disturbing. I feel like I don't even know my own sister. Do you know how much of a horrible feeling that is? I've been gone for 4 months and everything has changed. Or has she always been like this and I just never noticed. Is she that good at hiding things or is it that I'm just not an observant person? IDK. It scares me to know that I had to read a blog in order to know that my sister has a boyfriend or that his ex-girlfriend is a "sl*t-faced bitch." And what the heck is #3?? I'm terrified of number three. I hope it's simply eating a lot of chocolate but I don't think it is.

Anyway, her blog is sooo freaking honest, I'm talking insanely, wonderfully honest (she doesn't care who she hurts! IDK how she can do that but I want to do it too!) so I've decided to be more open. In truth, this blog is supposed to be like a journal for me, a place to vent, but there are people reading this who I want to vent about you know? So I don't. But no more, or at least not so much. I hate feeling like crap and writing get's it out. So, here it goes.

I'm so tired of people calling me a prep. My God! Okay, so maybe I've changed, maybe my choice of clothing has changed a little or my choice of music. Whatever, but I am not a prep because a prep now, in this group is considered a bad thing. A prep is basically defined as a person who is a spoiled brat who doesn't care who they hurt because they only care for themselves. Let's see, is that me? No, duh. If that was me, I'd be wearing much nicer clothes, not buying christmas presents or trying to help my parents out a little. This venting process would have happened soooo long ago. So guess what guys, I'm not a prep, at least not in your terms.

Mmm, another thing. About me being "fiscally irresponsible." I'm sorry, but going to a college that is far outside your, and your parents, ability to pay seems a little "fiscally irresponsible to me." So what, I want an iPod; but I'm buying it, not my mom and dad, me! So get over it! I'm going through college without my parents helping me. I got a summer job (a sucky one) in order to do that. My parents have 2 other kids here who they have to support so I try not to be much of a pest on them. They don't send me however amount of money a month. I survive by myself. And idc if you have to buy your own food. You should have accounted for that when you decided to go there. It's not exactly my fault, ya know? So don't go getting all defensive about how I want an iPod or how I got a new phone. I'm buying all of these things w/o help so get off my back.

Yeah and I'm also tired of people screaming at me saying "how do you ever meet people?" "You say your more outgoing but you don't do anything." Well guess what? This is me. This has been me since you have met me. It's time you got used to it and it's time you got over it. This is the way I am. I will go and meet people on my own terms. Not everyone else's. Maybe I'm just uncomfortable around the sort of people that you all want me to hang around with, ya know? Your people may not be my people. But if they are, I'll find out when I feel comfortable finding out. If you push me, I'm not gonna like it and am probably gonna not like you afterward.

Okay, I think I'm done for right now. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone especially one person b/c the majority (if not all of it) is directed to them, but it had to come out. I'm tired of holding everything in. This is supposed to be a blog, one that I can say anything on. And so I have. Anyway, I'll ttyl. Bye!!
Loves you guys!!

So, it's been a freaking month and I haven't told you guys anything; this is bad because most of the people who read this I don't see very often. So here it goes:

I'm home (yay!) and although I wasn't really feeling it before I left, I'm happy now that I'm here. I mean, college is sooo stressful that it's cool just to hang out and sleep until 2 in the afternoon and not have to do anything, ya know? The only bad thing about staying at home is that I don't go back until the twenty-third (misty's birthday) and I can't see anyone til then. It kind of sucks but what am I supposed to do? I might be going to Rochester to visit Matt, Ryan, Shannan, and Tom but I probably won't; Daddy works during that time so there's really nothing I can do. It sucks but what can I do? I think I'm gonna get my hair cut and dyed with the money that I'm saving from not going to Rochester. I might even get my permit which is gonna rock! IDK. It doesn't really matter what I do b/c I'm still gonna be here for another month. Yeah, so that's about it. Bye!