The World as I Know it

I missed church today. I have no idea how I did it; I had no idea I even did it until I got there. The first sentence (and half of the title) isn't completely true--I was there for the last ten minutes. It's no wonder people (including a little girl who was the worst) were giving me bad looks! Ugh., Last week I went to a Catholic church, which was okay except I didn't know what to do or when to do it or what to say and why we were doing/saying these things, and I missed church this week. I'm seriously sad now.

Sundays are supposed to be happy & joyful. This one hasn't been. So I will ponder something that is happy and joyful: God's love.

If we look at one of the most famous verses--John 3:16--we can see the entent of His love. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son..." This is the kind of love every girl (& probably every guy) is dying for in human relationships. God brought himself down to Earth in the form of our Savior and suffered so we could have a relatively happy existence and live eternally. [This is a blueprint for how I want every relationship I ever have; I want this kind of love; God shows us how unselfish we should be toward others (must work on this)].

Anyway, it is hard to believe that we, horrible sinners that we are, are worthy of such a wonderful gift. But we are; He deemed us worthy before we were even born! He doesn't care if I will (most likely) never be a size 2 or if my hair is all a mess when I first wake-up (and even sometimes after that!) He doesn't care that I have blonde moments & can't spell certain words. He Loves Me!

And you know what? I love Him. I know that my life is better now. I no longer have huge stomach aches whenever I think of my own death. I am still afraid, but it's better now that I have something to look forward to. I am completed by having God & Christ in my life. And although He is willing to give me a second chance, third chance, 576,495,691,328th chance and more, I am gonna try my hardest not to take these. Obedience to a few things that are good for you anyway is a small price to pay for a love as amazing as the one He gives me. A very small price.

So, as you can probably guess... I am back. I am at a different URL to try to get my parents off my back, not that i have a problem with that, but it's just nice to have some privacy. Misty will probably figure this out since I thold her I wanted to have a blog at this URL, but it's okay, because I know her's too. & she's at home and therefore, will have to listen to dear mother and father more than I will. Keep this in mind, Mimi... A ton of things have happened lately, and I don't feel like going over them, so you're gonna have to do what you do when you miss a few episodes of House and you don't know what's going on, scramble around and try to figure out who these new ppl are. Haha.

I went camping. And yeah. It was okay. Andy said he like me and we had a huge long conversation while trying to figure out where Josh--who was majorly emo--went. I don't know what to do about that kid. I really don't. Andy, not Josh. I feel like I like him, but I don't know if I want to like him, because we each have issues. I am praying that God will take this summer and get rid of those vices that have been haunting me, so I am putting it, and the whole Andy situation in His hands. He knows what to do and I do not so I'm letting a professional deal with it.

Speaking of God and prayers, Ryan and Shannan are back together (praise God!!) and Andy and Ryan are back together (praise God?!?). lol. I've been praying that hearts will be healed and forgiveness will be, well, given, and it worked!! I like this whole praying thing, haha.

So I've been thinking about relationships lately. Not guy/girl relationships--well yes, but not in that way. In friendship ways. I haven't talked to my "best friend" Beth in like two weeks, after she told me she wasn't going to go camping with me because she was going this weekend with her boyfriend Max. What the crap?!? I mean seriously. I'm tired of this. On Ryan's blog, he quotes something like the best thing about friends is that they grow up w/o growing apart. That's not true w/ us. I mean, I don't know when she's home, so it's not like I can call. Granted, I don't make a huge effort, but idk. It's like this entire year, seams have slowly been coming apart and it SUCKS!!! I don't want this to happen, so Bethany Mack, if you get around to seeing this, dude! Call!!! I miss talking to you like I used to!!!!! Now all I have is Ryan... jk Ryan!!! I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Haha. Ryan said that if I dated Andy, then he would be jealous of Andy because of his place in my life. Well, wanna know something? Felt the same way about Shannan when I figured out something was going on. haha. Now I'm praying that you guys get back together! Weird crazy/beautiful world.

Yeah, so nothing really has been happening here. Just a ton of work; really hard work. I have so much reading to do it's insane, and with math and arabic, things are just not going the way i wanted them to. Pre-calc is so hard. I seriously have no idea how I thought I could handle it. Because I can't. If it wasn't for my scholarship, I wouldn't even bother going to that class.

Plus I'm sick; and when I'm sick, I'm cranky. And Ryan is fasting, and when Ryan fasts, he's cranky. So we're both cranky and we got in a mini-fight. which is no big deal; he'll get over it. i already have. idk. I just... I don't even know what I want to do. Sleep? Try to work some more? Roll over and die? Who knows. I'm just so tired of everything. grrr.

& my nose hurts because I've been wiping it so much. I'm using puffs now, but the damage is already done. wow fun.

& people just seem to love being mad at me and/or other people close to me. Charles Fee--oh, sorry, I'm supposed to call him SpiderPig--hates me for a single facebook status that said that I was feeling bad about myself, Ryan seems to dislike Matt so much he doesn't have any feelings about him, and other things. Why does life have to be complicated all of a sudden?? I'm tired of it.

ttyl. Have wonderful Dreams!!

I'm sick. Life kind of sucks that way. I may or may not be failing pre-calc. yay!?! i wanna go home and have my mama take care of me. idk how i'm getting home for spring break. i am too busy to do anything but breathe. the end. great thing, great post.

So, I went to bible study last night and I ended up crying after it. It wasn't what anyone said or didn't say; it was more of a disappointment in my life. I felt like a hypocrite because for the longest time, I didn't know what was happening in my life. I felt like it was as if I was just trying to find God in order to be closer with my friends, if that makes sense? I used the analogy, everyone is wearing a red shirt, and I'm wearing a yellow shirt, so I want to go out and buy a freaking amazing red shirt. And that didn't seem like it was right to me. I mean, I gave my life over to God, and to have these feelings and thoughts was like me lying to God. And that's just wrong, and it really started getting my down lately.

I left bible study right after and Ryan knew. I don't know how he knows these things, but he just does. I needed to get my feelings out because I've been holding them back for so long; I just started crying. I told Ryan that I didn't want to do this anymore; that whatever was going to happen just wasn't worth me fighting for more than 12 years in order to do it. But as soon as I said it, I knew that that wasn't really what I wanted. I hated, and still do, the thought of not having the love of God in my life; but at the same time I was devastated because I felt like I wasn't feeling it everyday like other people seem to. I was ready to give up.

After I left Ryan and went to my room, Shannan came (God, I love that girl. She is amazing.) She gave me a hug and said that I might wanna give up but that He doesn't want to give up on me and he won't and neither will she. I guess that that was what I wanted and needed to hear. I had been feeling like God was just ignoring me, that He didn't care anymore. I had been feeling so lost for so long, and I felt terrible about myself that I was like, "why should someone who is so wonderful even want me? why would he even look at me with love or understanding, or even tolerance?" Shannan also knew that I had been feeling numb (Ryan sure does know who to tell in order for me to get the most out of it.) She quoted a verse in the bible (1 Kings 19:11-12) which said that God isn't truly the amazing, psych-ed up feeling that you get during the BASIC conference, or church, or Bible study. It is the "gentle whisper," the one that guides you along through your life and just allows you to be at peace with yourself and others no matter where you are. Did I mention that I absolutely adore that girl? She is very good at this sort of thing.

Then I just wanted to leave. I had been crying so much, I just wanted to get out, so I asked if anyone wanted to go to Late Night. I asked Matt to go too and (surprisingly) he did--I'm fairly certain Shannan had something to do with that. Shannan said that I should talk to him because he is pretty good at explaining things in the way that is blunt but not (too) hurtful.

So while everyone was still at Late Night, he and I left and walked back. Now Matt and I do not have the sort of relationship that I have with Ryan and Shannan. I don't tell him things; it's just the way these things are. It's gotten better but it's still not up there, so I felt kind of awkward talking to him about something that was deeply personal. So for about an hour and a half I didn't. We talked about the super bowl party and the stupid things he's done and politics, and Brian jokes. We went down to Shannan's room where Ryan, Kelly, and Shannan. At around midnight, I was ready to talk, but I wasn't sure if he still wanted to; I mean, this kid goes to bed at 11:00 every night. I haven't ever seen him up past 12:30. But I made my way to leave and he went with me. I went to my room and he came in; yet again, this is the kid who thinks it's weird to be in a girls room. I was super surprised. And after a couple of questions from him (and hearing exactly what he knew from Ryan--who definitely helped me out last night), I started talking. I don't exactly know what I learned from him except that it's hard for everyone, no matter what, and that I'm a "baby christian," but everything helped.

I also now have a miracle-saving thing of my own. I told Matt how I had tried so many different things, wicca, Islam, whatever, and he said that I knew so much stuff about other religions and that was probably not making my choice easier. Which was absolutely true; if you have more choices, it's not as easy to decide which one's the truth. But then he said that it was amazing that I had come as close as I am. With having known so many things, I should be so far away from God, but I'm not terribly far. That in itself is so great. I have so many choices and I can compare so many things, that for me to say that this is the one is so perfect. Granted, I'm not completely sure, but to have enough trust and faith to give my life over, and to try to find the truth, is awesome (the actual sense of the word, not the American sense of the word--which, being the only nation in the world to go into space...whatever, Eddie Izzard connection).

But after talking to so many people, I felt so much better. I seriously did/do. I woke up, having only like 3 1/2 to 4 hours of sleep, I feel good. I feel like God does care about me and I probably just have to go through this. It's not supposed to be easy, like Matt says. I just didn't realize it was going to be so hard. But once I'm over this, once I have gotten rid of the majority of the doubting thoughts in my head, I believe that this is going to benefit me in ways that arent' known yet (obviously. duh-moment. it's going to happen in the future, so of course they aren't known.)

I just wanna say, thanks guys!!! Love you all!

So, what up? This semester, I have made it my goal in life to be freaking amazing at just about every class. That's going to be significantly difficult because I'm probably going to fall asleep in some of them--I already have. But I'm going to try to do it anyway. That girl in my Arabic class will not get a chance to answer my questions; I'm going to be answering hers. I'm not going to need any help in my pre-calc class either because I'm going to be awesome. I've decided this.

I went to church today; it was the first time in 1 1/2 months and it felt amazing. I missed worship, I really did. Everything was so amazing and I felt wonderful afterward. The pastor (who was actually the youth pastor) talked about how we need to be alone and just let God do his thing with us and I knew that that was what needed to happen to me. Last night I felt it but I didn't really do it. Today I felt it to, and I did get alone for a while but nothing happened. I don't know, maybe He needs some time. Maybe I need to be in the right place before He will come. I just don't know; but then again, I'm not supposed to.

I got so much homework in the first 2 days of classes. But I was super productive this weekend. All I need to do is read for geology which is awesome. I also need to work on my math homework but that's not due until Friday and I can have a partner for that so I'm going to talk to someone in my class tomorrow and see if they want to do it together. Today I went to the library and I spent an hour and a half doing the recommended problems for pre-calc. I want, no, I need to understand this stuff. It just has to happen. And I am going to do it.

I'm back in Oswego and I must admit, it kind of feels like it did when I first came here, except I know people now. It's hard to get back in the groove of things, ya know? Especially when it feels like so much has changed and so many people have changed with them. It's a weird feeling.

Classes have started. I fell asleep in my geology class today. It was the first class for crying out loud!! I don't know how in the world i did it, but I did and that's a bad sign I think. But Thursdays are hard. I have a 3 hour geology lab and then I go straight into an hour and 20 minute geology lecture. I mean, come on! Give a girl a break! Do you really think I care that much about geology? Your wrong. It's just a bunch of rocks and if I really have to sit in a single subject for over 4 hours, then I will turn into a bunch of rocks. How retarded is that?

Tomorrow's gonna be interesting. I have 4 classes. Honors 141, English 204Hon, Math 120 (Pre-Calc) and then off to my second semester of Arabic. Busy day tomorrow so I should probably go now.