The World as I Know it

The reason why I am writing this and not telling you this over the phone is because I don't want to hear the disapproval and disappointment in your voices. I don't want to imagine the hurt you might feel and connect it to the words you would say to me. But the reason why I'm telling you at all is because I don't want to lie anymore. I don't want to continue a charade.

Remember over Christmas or something, mama, when you asked me if i was a virgin and i said yes? I lied to you. During fall semester I met a boy, Bongo man, who was simply horrible for me and although I saw it, I did nothing to stop it. He wasn't, isn't a nice boy and i regret to this second what I did. It was only once, but that's all it takes for a lifetime of not-so-wonderful memories. I wish I hadn't done anything. I wish I hadn't met him. But I did, and I did.

I have to deal with those consequences (which did not result in a pregnancy or anything mama) and I now have to explain to my future husband when I meet him that no, i can't really give you anything because I made the biggest mistake I could ever make. I hate it. I hate that I have to do that; that I could have made a different decision and not have to worry about that now. I hate that I now think of myself as a whore because that's how I feel. I hate it that one night made my relationship with everyone i know, including you guys become full of lies and deceit. And I hate how I can never take that back. Never.

I'm sorry I lied to you and didn't explain everything til now. I just don't want you to be disappointed in me. I'm supposed to be the "good one" (not to say mimi isn't), I'm supposed to be different from our cousins and everyone else. I'm supposed to make something of myself and not be stupid. And yet, I have done such stupid, stupid things. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.

On a slightly cheerier note, though. I'm seeing a guy named Nic who treats me much better than i deserve. He treats me like a princess and I don't think I've ever had that. He's from karate and he's a junior, not yet 21. He doesn't do drugs or drink. He's a history major. He's a super-nerd cuz he does D&D but he's funny and doesn't hate me for going to BASIC and church and he likes my friends. And mama, he's Italian. And catholic. And daddy, he can seriously talk at length about anything. And he's nice. And he doesn't care if, because of everything last semester, we go super super slow and that there will always be large out-of-bounds areas which we won't even go near. He's okay with that. I don't know how long he'll be good with my emotastic mood changes but thus far, he's doing okay. He seems, for some reason, to generally like me for me. I don't know why, but he does.

If you want to call and yell at me, I just ask you to wait, cuz I have a ton of stuff to do tonight and can't really deal with that right now. But if you just want to talk, then that's cool, i'll put off my homework. I'm sorry daddy. I'm sorry i can't be your little girl anymore. if i could take it back i would. in a heart beat.

Love you both,
heather