The World as I Know it

I am so looking forward to going back to Oswego. I am so looking forward to seeing all of my friends, my new ones and old ones. Especially my old ones. I miss all of you. This semester is shaping up to be a good one, ya'll. I can't wait to see you.

I am re-reading the Twilight books over this break. I haven't really gotten very far because New Moon is so difficult for me to take, being that I am a Jacob fan and I think Bella is whiny and weak and insufferable and she really shows it in this book. Now, this may not seem to be connected to my next paragraph or so, but I will make it clear later.

I was thinking a while back about the different aspects of God and how we see him individually. Some of us really like to view him as our Father who will hold us and comfort us. Some picture Jesus as this great friend who would literally do anything for us; we can picture us sitting down on our couch and watching some TV or casually talking about our day. The holy spirit is this amazing person who will give you the best advice, who will always be there when we need someone. Then there are sort of the unofficial aspects of God that everyone is aware of: Prince of Peace, the Great Councilor, the Bridegroom, etc. It's the last one that I think of God as, I believe.

Before you think I am weird, let me explain. In Genesis 3:16, women are, well not "cursed exactly, but you get the picture, to forever desire the love of a man. It is in our blood to want to be loved and to want to love someone back. Half the time we can't help it. We fall in love with men who are terrible for us, who abuse us in some way. We suffer through puppy love in elementary school, often unrequited love in adolescence and desire, above all else, to be married. Some of us want to be loved so badly that our self-esteem is tied to our relationships with the opposite sex. If the boy who has caught our eye simply glances over you and lands on your tall, thin and blonde friend, most of us will feel not only hurt, but inferior as well. "What is wrong with me?" we'll ask ourselves. "Perhaps I should dye my hair; If I only lost those 8 lbs I gained last year after that horrible break-up... 5 inch heels! That's what I need! Then I can get a boy like that to like me!" We do not look at ourselves in the mirror seeing our beautiful blue eyes, cute sprinkling of freckles, or a curvy, womanly figure. Instead, those eyes, in ours, become horrifically asymmetrical, our unique freckles are "blemishes" that we can't seem to cover no matter how much concealer we apply, and our body is not curvy, it is chubby. Our personalities cannot be seen in the mirror (and not by an unknown but attractive man sitting across the room) and so they do not matter.

Back to Twilight, if I may. Bella, the hateful protagonist (if that's what you can call her), is a frail human who, in her own words, is not pretty or interesting in any meaningful way, and yet finds herself loved by a man described in every paragraph or so as "perfect," "angelic," and "beautiful." Here is a man that should not be in love with someone such as Bella. Indeed, there other people he could be with, models and actresses who are somewhat closer to his beauty but he chose to be with Bella. He looks past all her horrible whiny-ness and indecisiveness and stuff and he loves her!

Now to combine the two! I think you know where I'm going, huh? Not to sound heretical, but Bella is us, all of us (even though I hate to admit it!). And...if Bella is us, then Edward is Him. He loves us without question. Not in spite of, but because of our faults and insecurities. We are wonderful to him. We are His beloved and He is ours; He says to us that we are beautiful and that we have no faults. He is the perfect man, the perfect and truest love of our lives.

Think about that the next time you open New Moon.

I just got home from a walk. It wasn't a "I need some exercise" walk but a thinking walk. An escape walk. A clear my mind walk. Unfortunately it didn't really work, completely unsuccessful. Usually these things make me feel better; well, they used to. They haven't for an awful long time. And that's the problem. Nothing (or at least very few things) make me feel better. I'm tired of feeling anxious and stressed out for no reason. I'm tired of trying to smile because somehow that's better than crying although it's a lot harder. I'm not saying that there aren't times when I'm happy, there are many times. I just feel like these times are just sort of make-up that covers the bruises. But when do these individual problems collectively become an "issue." When do these things get too big for me to solve them by myself? When do I need to bring in other people, people who can handle it and take care of it? And what if these problems aren't really an "issue," just me being narcissistic and attention-grabbing? Do you see the problems? Do you have any answers? I'm thinking about "seeing" someone. I know there's nothing wrong with talking about your thingys with other people, people outside of your paradigm. Intellectually I know this. It's a different story though, emotionally. If I need to go to someone, if I need someone to show me how to fix me...it just isn't me. I'm weak, I know I am. Everyone tends to know I am. But how am I supposed to go through my life, knowing that I needed someone to show me the way through my own problems. And the thing is, there are sooo many more people who have bigger things to worry about than me, ya know? So many more people who have better reasons to need to see someone. And they don't. So what makes me so different.