The World as I Know it

I don't understand a lot of what is going on in my life at this moment in time. People aren't talking to me, aren't answering my texts, though that may just simply be my phone being retarded, but i am prone to thinking that that is not the case. Again, that could just by me. I don't know. If they are mad, I do not understand. I didn't go to the movie last night, sure. But it's not like I am not doing anything that other people haven't done. Somehow, there is something inside of me that just takes things that people say or do or turn them into something against me, about me. That's selfish and narccistic, I do realize that, but it is what I do. I don't know what is up with me today.

Ugh. I wish that i could write everything i wanted to here, but i just can't. i wish i could talk to people, but i can't.

I really shouldn't be writing this; i have so so so much to do it's not even funny. However, I felt the need to write and I'm going to to heed that need. :)

I am stressed. like woah stressed. I feel like I am handling it quite well but any more stuff piles onto my lap i might die of crying, because that's what I do when I get upset. I cry, a lot. But that's not really what I wanted to write about. I don't even really want to think about that. What I want to write about is something different. Something I don't really know yet so forgive my rambling thoughts. I'm just going to let my mind wander a bit.

I want to work for a Christian youth camp this summer. I'm deathly afraid that it's not going to happen. I'm afraid that Ed and Debby won't get the ministry reference in on time or that they will give me a bad reference. I just think that this will be good for me. It seriously will be an entire summer fully devoted to Jesus and trying to help kids grow up and stuff. I'm all about that yo! That reminded me of Lilo and Stitch; ya know that part where Nani is trying to get a job so she says she's all about concierging? Yeah, that's me. Except it's true. The wind is blowing outside and my window is open; I love it when the window is open. It's a breeze and sounds--nature at it's finest really. I'm warm and dry yet feel as if I'm out there too. Tonight might be the promotion test for karate. I'm really nervous. Partially because I'm afraid I'll mess up or can't do the physical aspect of it but also afraid that I will break the illusionment that I have put upon people in karate. Not just Nic. I have this thing where I have to be perfect; i don't want people to see my bad side or my downfalls. I must be perfect at what I do, which is awful and makes me feel bad when I'm not but it's just something I have to deal with, ya know? It's just one of my things. I'm looking at Simone's address. I'm a bad long-distance friend. I have so much to do and I procrastinate so much--even writing to amazing people like Simone. I miss her though. I miss hearing her voice. Today, someone called me and my phone was on the loud setting and I heard her voice-she's my ringtone. Is that weird? I really think it might be. I do miss her though. For the summer job, I have to take a cpr and first aid class. i wonder where I can go to take those? Probably the Y. I'll have to check. I have to do laundry so i'll see you guys later.
pce.

The reason why I am writing this and not telling you this over the phone is because I don't want to hear the disapproval and disappointment in your voices. I don't want to imagine the hurt you might feel and connect it to the words you would say to me. But the reason why I'm telling you at all is because I don't want to lie anymore. I don't want to continue a charade.

Remember over Christmas or something, mama, when you asked me if i was a virgin and i said yes? I lied to you. During fall semester I met a boy, Bongo man, who was simply horrible for me and although I saw it, I did nothing to stop it. He wasn't, isn't a nice boy and i regret to this second what I did. It was only once, but that's all it takes for a lifetime of not-so-wonderful memories. I wish I hadn't done anything. I wish I hadn't met him. But I did, and I did.

I have to deal with those consequences (which did not result in a pregnancy or anything mama) and I now have to explain to my future husband when I meet him that no, i can't really give you anything because I made the biggest mistake I could ever make. I hate it. I hate that I have to do that; that I could have made a different decision and not have to worry about that now. I hate that I now think of myself as a whore because that's how I feel. I hate it that one night made my relationship with everyone i know, including you guys become full of lies and deceit. And I hate how I can never take that back. Never.

I'm sorry I lied to you and didn't explain everything til now. I just don't want you to be disappointed in me. I'm supposed to be the "good one" (not to say mimi isn't), I'm supposed to be different from our cousins and everyone else. I'm supposed to make something of myself and not be stupid. And yet, I have done such stupid, stupid things. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.

On a slightly cheerier note, though. I'm seeing a guy named Nic who treats me much better than i deserve. He treats me like a princess and I don't think I've ever had that. He's from karate and he's a junior, not yet 21. He doesn't do drugs or drink. He's a history major. He's a super-nerd cuz he does D&D but he's funny and doesn't hate me for going to BASIC and church and he likes my friends. And mama, he's Italian. And catholic. And daddy, he can seriously talk at length about anything. And he's nice. And he doesn't care if, because of everything last semester, we go super super slow and that there will always be large out-of-bounds areas which we won't even go near. He's okay with that. I don't know how long he'll be good with my emotastic mood changes but thus far, he's doing okay. He seems, for some reason, to generally like me for me. I don't know why, but he does.

If you want to call and yell at me, I just ask you to wait, cuz I have a ton of stuff to do tonight and can't really deal with that right now. But if you just want to talk, then that's cool, i'll put off my homework. I'm sorry daddy. I'm sorry i can't be your little girl anymore. if i could take it back i would. in a heart beat.

Love you both,
heather