The World as I Know it

I'm feeling very lonely.  Not in the sense that people aren't around me cuz for the most part, I have people around me at least a little.  I'm talking about being lonely because there's really no one there who I can talk to on a deep personal level, if that makes sense.  I don't feel close to people here as I used to.  And Beth's off doing her own thing, living her own life, which is fine, but it leaves me with almost noone.  Nic is great, and has become one of my best friends, but he has other roles too and so can't really take the role of confidant on.  I'm not gonna lie.  This really upsets me.  I know that I have God and Jesus and the Ghosty-poo but...somehow it's not the same.  I know it's supposed to be, but its not.  Not at all.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm not blaming anyone for anything, this is just how the cards fell.  It just makes me sad.  I'm kind of hoping that sharing an apartment will bring me closer to some people, whoever those people will be.  I'm also kind of scared that that same situation will push me farther from people.  I don't want that to happen.  As I'm writing these things, I keep questioning if this is the correct forum to voice these concerns.  I always do that though.  What is too personal to write here?  What belongs in my journal?  Does writing it in a private journal automatically make it too personal?  It's a weird conundrum.

I'm worried about some people and the choices they are making.  They say that they are going to do one thing, are going to go in another direction, but I see them making the same choices, going down the same path.  It's hard to watch, especially since I know the outcome of these paths.  I've tried telling them but it doesn't help.  People are going to do what they want.  I just hope that this time, they aren't hurt as bad as the last couple times.  I wish they realized that its time to take a step back.

I'm going to talk directly to the Christians who read this blog but if you aren't Christian, stick around!  This might be interesting for you.

I would like you think about God and your beliefs, about Jesus and the Cross.  If you need to, get out a piece of paper and write them down.  Got'em?  Good.  Now, let's take a look.  Words like 'healing,' 'transformation,' 'relationship,' are probably near the top of the list as is 'all-loving,' and what not.  These are words we use everday when we talk about God.  Words we are so used to hearing that we have naturally picked them up.  But take a step outside of yourself.  What do these things sound like to the average person?  What did these things sound like to you, before you were saved (another one of those words)? 

The bible calls us to 'not be of this world.'  And for the most part, even though we are instructed not me to be, we are.  However, in some aspects we're not and that's in our language.  I'm not talking about cursing or anything like that, though I should hope that someone does not use those words, I'm talking about the dialect we use as Christians.  It has been said that to truly be fluent in a language, we need to know what their phrases and metaphors mean and we have become fluent in Christian.  I'm not saying that it is a bad thing because it's not.  But my pastor on Sunday was talking about how we need to relate to different people.  How his mother didn't graduate from high school while his father was a college English professor and so he talked to them in different styles in order for each to fully grasp and appreciate what he was trying to tell them.  We need to do this with other people as well.  Not many people are going to know what you're talking about when you say "Let me tell you my testimony" even though 'testimony' is pretty common in our particular vernacular.  Instead, how about "let me tell you about my life." 

Just thought I'd share some of my views.

 I'm reading Daniel at the moment, for the first time actually.  It amazes me what I have learned biblically if not spiritually in some way.  It just goes to show you that you should actually read ALL the bible and not just the parts which seem interesting right now.  You never know what'll be interesting later.  Anyway, I'm in Ch.4, where Nebuchadnezzar has been taken down a few notches by God because of his pride.  In the chapter, he is taking a walk through a part of his kingdom and attribute the beauty and the glory of his kingdom to himself and not to God and so God takes him away from the splendor which he is accustomed to and brings him so low he is eating grass.  It brings a new perspective on our lives and the times when we just don't feel like we should.  What if God is bringing you to this new place because you need to be there, need to feel what it's like to be the loneliest, dirtiest person on the earth to be taught a lesson.  You may be wondering if Nebuchadnezzar learns his lesson and I'm glad to say that he does; he repents and praises God and so He puts him back into his place of delicious wonderfulness. 

Think back to when someone said something nice to you, out of the blue, whether it's a compliment on your new shoes or an encouragement in your relationship with God.  Hold on to that.  Now think about the last time someone said something and hurt your feelings.  It doesn't have to be anything really large, it doesn't even have to malicious; it could be said in jest, but it still hurt.  Words have such a powerful effect on our lives, don't they? 

I have been thinking on this for a while, and I've come to the conclusion that Christians, called to be on the straight and narrow path that God has led them down, are terribly worried about their actions, how their actions will affect them and their testimony to others and they should be.  However, in worrying about what the right hand is doing, they sometimes forget the simplest thing, their mouths!

To kill someone, one must first thing about it, whether it's for a few seconds or a few years.  Then they must get a weapon or something to actually do the act, and finally, one must use the weapon to rip the life out of another's body.  There are a few steps that I'm sure I'm missing but the point is, what does it take to hurt someone with words?  A second of thought and then it all comes tumbling out?  Being murdered, no doubt excruciatingly painful in its own right, is over relatively quickly.  Think back to when you were picked on as a child (or if you were one of the lucky ones, to something similar), do you still remember what was said or how you felt at that moment?  You most likely do.  People can remember hurtful words that were said a lifetime ago, literally.  The Word says "reckless words pierce like a sword...crushes the spirit (Prov. 12:18, 15:4)."

Sometimes, people say such stupid things.  A common occurrence in my particular group is to pick on each other, sometimes unrelentlessly.  Sometimes, we say things we shouldn't about other people, about who they are or what they've done.  Sometimes we don't really understand how sharp those words really are, how heavy they are.  But we're not the only ones who are capable of holding that sword.  In the book I'm reading, The Unlikely Disciple, it talks about how students at Liberty University live and study and so on as students.  It also talks about Jerry Falwell, the famous (infamous?) fundamental evangelical pastor/politician (pastilician?) and what he says.  Some of it is, quite frankly, shocking.  We all probably know what he said when Sept. 11 happened (gay people, feminists and pro-choicers caused this to happen), and other equally horrible things.  These words surprised people for a reason.  We may not approve or like a lifestyle, ideology or political choice but we cannot say things of this nature.  Feminists can and do feel swords plunging in their hearts. 

I don't want to hurt people with my words.  I don't want someone to remember what I've said to them twenty years down the world and feel their confidence slipping or the old pain being renewed.  I don't want their self-esteem to suffer, their defenses weakened.  I want to say good things, I want them to feel so amazing about themselves.  In Christianity, there's a strong emphasis on the power of healing, probably because that particular gift is so closely connected to Jesus.  We can't all have the same gifts though because we're not all the same person.  Healing is different, though.  Maybe we can't all cure a leper but we can heal that leper in our own way.  The other half of Proverbs 12:18 and 15:4 show us this: "...the tongue of the wise brings healing...[and] is a tree of life." 

What are your words?  Swords or a tree of life?

I have so much to do but I just don't want to do it.  At all.  I can't really help how I feel but I absolutely despise it. 

That being said, I'm really glad that I am on this break.  It's refreshed me like nothing has in a long time.  I'm relatively happy and have only been angry twice!!!  It's a new record!  Sooner or later I will learn to not get upset by so many things, by so many small things; people will like me much better then I think, not that people don't like me now but you know what I mean.  I was reading my friend's blog and I think that I think like her.  We should get together and talk, Ms. Strait, I think we would both enjoy it.  But then, we'll have lots of time to talk in the future won't we! 

I've been thinking that I'm growing up.  Not in the way that people think I'm growing up (getting older) but emotionally.  I can't really figure out why I think that, especially since a lot of the time, I find myself being childish, but there's something about me that changed.  I don't want to be involved with drama and arguments; I'm trying to defend myself but I still let people inside my bubble.  I don't know.  Maybe it's just me thinking that; what do you think, oh invisible people?  If there are people reading this, it's probably the people who have known me for a while.  Do you think I have grown up, even a tad bit?  Now that I've asked that question, I'm not sure I want to know the answer! :D

I think that I want to choreograph a dance.  Not just any dance, mind you, but one that blends in two of my favorite activities: dance and karate.  This is my thought process, k?  Tell me what you think (especially a certain Cambodian)... we will open up with a kind of slow song, maybe a classical piece with ballerinas doing their graceful thing.  Then, maybe 45sec. in, they'll go off-stage and on will come people doing karate (but a dance-y, more flow-y karate, think katas) with a good hip-hop song.  then we'll combine the songs, the ballerinas will come on stage and bam!!  choreographed (pretty) fight dance.  I don't know.  It looks cool in my head.  what do you think?    Anyway, dinner is calling my name!!!!

I feel like I'm holding on to something that is dying, something that does not want to be held onto. Something that is moving on already and just does not want to be with me. And it makes me so sad.

I should be reading for class but its difficult to right now. I just feel like writing even though I don't really have anything to write about. Well, I do, but it's weird. Not really for any reason. I don't know; I'm not making sense right now.

I'm really confused by people. It's hard to think that people would be upset at other people's happiness, although I'm sure I've done it as well. I think it goes against human nature, or maybe it coincides perfectly with it. Like I said, I'm confused. And you wonderful people who are reading this may think that they know what I'm talking about, but there are other things that go along with this. We're supposed to be getting closer but we haven't been. I don't mean one person, but as a group. We're falling away at the edges even though we're trying not to. It's not the same as it was. I think back to freshmen year, remember ry? We had our arguments in our little posse but it wasn't anything major. I miss those days. I miss those people. I miss phil! I don't know, Ry. Maybe I'm looking back on these days with the sort of rose-colored glasses that time and distance gives us. I'm just sayin' that those times seem pretty good right now.

I'm listening to a Backstreet Boys song right now. Talk about a blast from the past. It's hard to imagine that people that are coming into their own today have no idea what the Backstreet Boys are and how they totally rocked! Well, not really since they didn't play their own instruments and were of the yummy bubble-gum variety but they were still really important to girls from 7 years to 30 years of age. And now people don't know about them... it makes me wonder what stars my daughters are going to crush on later. I'm growing old.

I'm growing up. We have an apartment now! I'm kind of worried. We're already sort of having problems. I really think that we need to set some ground rules and kind of soon so we're able to be comfortable with them and there won't be any misunderstandings. And because of this apartment, I don't have health insurance. I know that that didn't really flow that well but it's the best I can do at the moment. Again, I miss phil! (my itunes is playing a song that he gave me)

Okay. I think I've wasted enough time, for both you and me
<3

I am so looking forward to going back to Oswego. I am so looking forward to seeing all of my friends, my new ones and old ones. Especially my old ones. I miss all of you. This semester is shaping up to be a good one, ya'll. I can't wait to see you.

I am re-reading the Twilight books over this break. I haven't really gotten very far because New Moon is so difficult for me to take, being that I am a Jacob fan and I think Bella is whiny and weak and insufferable and she really shows it in this book. Now, this may not seem to be connected to my next paragraph or so, but I will make it clear later.

I was thinking a while back about the different aspects of God and how we see him individually. Some of us really like to view him as our Father who will hold us and comfort us. Some picture Jesus as this great friend who would literally do anything for us; we can picture us sitting down on our couch and watching some TV or casually talking about our day. The holy spirit is this amazing person who will give you the best advice, who will always be there when we need someone. Then there are sort of the unofficial aspects of God that everyone is aware of: Prince of Peace, the Great Councilor, the Bridegroom, etc. It's the last one that I think of God as, I believe.

Before you think I am weird, let me explain. In Genesis 3:16, women are, well not "cursed exactly, but you get the picture, to forever desire the love of a man. It is in our blood to want to be loved and to want to love someone back. Half the time we can't help it. We fall in love with men who are terrible for us, who abuse us in some way. We suffer through puppy love in elementary school, often unrequited love in adolescence and desire, above all else, to be married. Some of us want to be loved so badly that our self-esteem is tied to our relationships with the opposite sex. If the boy who has caught our eye simply glances over you and lands on your tall, thin and blonde friend, most of us will feel not only hurt, but inferior as well. "What is wrong with me?" we'll ask ourselves. "Perhaps I should dye my hair; If I only lost those 8 lbs I gained last year after that horrible break-up... 5 inch heels! That's what I need! Then I can get a boy like that to like me!" We do not look at ourselves in the mirror seeing our beautiful blue eyes, cute sprinkling of freckles, or a curvy, womanly figure. Instead, those eyes, in ours, become horrifically asymmetrical, our unique freckles are "blemishes" that we can't seem to cover no matter how much concealer we apply, and our body is not curvy, it is chubby. Our personalities cannot be seen in the mirror (and not by an unknown but attractive man sitting across the room) and so they do not matter.

Back to Twilight, if I may. Bella, the hateful protagonist (if that's what you can call her), is a frail human who, in her own words, is not pretty or interesting in any meaningful way, and yet finds herself loved by a man described in every paragraph or so as "perfect," "angelic," and "beautiful." Here is a man that should not be in love with someone such as Bella. Indeed, there other people he could be with, models and actresses who are somewhat closer to his beauty but he chose to be with Bella. He looks past all her horrible whiny-ness and indecisiveness and stuff and he loves her!

Now to combine the two! I think you know where I'm going, huh? Not to sound heretical, but Bella is us, all of us (even though I hate to admit it!). And...if Bella is us, then Edward is Him. He loves us without question. Not in spite of, but because of our faults and insecurities. We are wonderful to him. We are His beloved and He is ours; He says to us that we are beautiful and that we have no faults. He is the perfect man, the perfect and truest love of our lives.

Think about that the next time you open New Moon.

I just got home from a walk. It wasn't a "I need some exercise" walk but a thinking walk. An escape walk. A clear my mind walk. Unfortunately it didn't really work, completely unsuccessful. Usually these things make me feel better; well, they used to. They haven't for an awful long time. And that's the problem. Nothing (or at least very few things) make me feel better. I'm tired of feeling anxious and stressed out for no reason. I'm tired of trying to smile because somehow that's better than crying although it's a lot harder. I'm not saying that there aren't times when I'm happy, there are many times. I just feel like these times are just sort of make-up that covers the bruises. But when do these individual problems collectively become an "issue." When do these things get too big for me to solve them by myself? When do I need to bring in other people, people who can handle it and take care of it? And what if these problems aren't really an "issue," just me being narcissistic and attention-grabbing? Do you see the problems? Do you have any answers? I'm thinking about "seeing" someone. I know there's nothing wrong with talking about your thingys with other people, people outside of your paradigm. Intellectually I know this. It's a different story though, emotionally. If I need to go to someone, if I need someone to show me how to fix me...it just isn't me. I'm weak, I know I am. Everyone tends to know I am. But how am I supposed to go through my life, knowing that I needed someone to show me the way through my own problems. And the thing is, there are sooo many more people who have bigger things to worry about than me, ya know? So many more people who have better reasons to need to see someone. And they don't. So what makes me so different.