The World as I Know it

All of these emotions are pouring on me, drowning me. I feel so out of place, like such an outsider. I don't know why; I've thought of so many reasons and so many different things to do to try to change this but I can't. I've felt like this for so long I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to react anymore to anything. I don't feel like I belong just about anywhere.

There are so many emotions going through me. I don't know what I'm doing ever. Ever. Oh God help me. I need you so much right now cuz I don't know what I'm doing anymore. i don't even know who I am anymore.

I'm not stressed, really I'm not. I'm not emotional either.

I've been thinking over the year (as we should all do when a new year is just within reach), thinking about the things that I am not proud of, the days I wouldn't take back for the largest ruby in the universe. So many things happened this year and, although I can't possibly recount everything that occurred and the people that have touched my life, I can say thank you and I do. You're all wonderful and I love you all, more than you know. You've all made my year interesting to say the least and even though it doesn't always seem like it, I'm extremely grateful for it.

Fish sticks.

So I'm at home again. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. It's no secret that being at home is hard for me. But then again, being at school was just as hard but in very different ways. I can't really explain it. I feel like that would be way too hard to do and honestly, I don't really feel like I could explain it without hurting people in some sort of way. I don't know.

I've been thinking a lot about what sort of person I am and what am I becoming. I don't know if I like what I'm becoming or at least part of it. I'm jealous a lot for some reason, over really little things. Or angry over little things. Although to be honest, I've always been like that. I don't really understand it. I think it's been worse because I had a really bad semester and all; not as bad as some people, but it was really stressful and tiring. I had some things messed up and I'm getting back on track, trying to get back to the way I was before, although to which before I'm really not sure.

I've also been thinking about my future. Or at least one part of my future. I don't really know what's going on with the rest of it. I'm just sort of floating about here and there, trying to do what I can but not really having an idea of what I want or need to do. It's hard. I'm at a crossroads. I think we all are, or at least most of us.

I don't know. That phrase is like my catch-phrase. I say/type it a lot. Everything's just gonna take time, lots of time. I'll talk to you all later.

I'm so angry! How can someone be so ruthless and hurtful? I don't understand. He's always saying "build people up!" That message did not build me up person! It tore me down. Made me feel like I wasn't worth it, worth anything. How dare you make me feel that way? I tried to be honest. Tried to tell you my feelings so you would maybe be aware of them so maybe things might change bit for the better, that you would try. You know, after things went down that scary night, I looked at you differently. Now I wonder if you would do the same thing for me or if, because we just don't "click" enough you "wouldn't notice" that I needed your help. You have no problem stating your opinion when I don't want it, when I don't need it but when I want to be around you you run the other way? You make extremely lame excuses for your behavior and I'm not going to take it. yeah, you're right. We don't all have to be amazing best friends, but I do think that we have to try to include people. If you were in the room, I would ask you if you wanted to do blank. You know why? Cuz I don't like to hurt people's feelings. However, for some odd reason, you seem to be thriving on it right now. You say I'm guilt tripping you. No, I'm not. I'm being honest with you. There's a huge difference. If I was guilt tripping you, I would have brought up our past and how you didn't hold up your end of the deal, after a month or so. But I didn't. Ugh! How dare you! And you'd better believe you will read this, one way or another.

Let me ask a couple questions. Do you love me? If I was mean, would you still love me? If I was angry at you, my life, the world, would your heart still call to mine? If I felt too ugly to go outside, would you pick me up and carry me out to see the world, and in doing so, pronounce to everyone that you love me the way I am? Do you think that you can handle my mood tornadoes? My indecisions? My disbelief? What if I told you I didn't love you anymore, what would you say? Would you quietly accept it and walk away, or would you continue to love and care for me? If I said to go away forever, to never ever show your face to me again, never hold my hand, what would you say? Because I can do this, I have done some of this. My disbelief and anger, my sadness and hurt, everything that is ugly about me can and does show through. So far, you have proven to be steady and unchanging in your care and love and forgiveness. And now here's a question for me: can I accept your care; can I grasp onto your love; and I take your forgiveness?

Mmmmm... I thought that it was going to be a good vacation, one that is full of non-stressful enjoyment, family fun and love amazingness. And it started to be, it really did. I don't feel that way right now though. I really don't.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. My sister and I used to be friends, when we were really little. We used to talk and tell each other lots and lots of stuff. When did that change? When did hardly knowing anything about each other become the norm? I don't understand. I want to change that but I don't know how. I don't know why she doesn't like me so much; I don't get it. I don't know if I want to get it because I'm tired of trying. She can talk to everyone but her family, everyone. It's not like I'm going to hate her when I find out what she's doing. I know some of it anyway for goodness sake. I just want to hear it from her. I want us to be sisters again, instead of two people who sometimes live in the same house together cuz that's what it's starting to feel like.

I often wonder why people can't see him through my eyes. Do they want to? Or is it just foggy for them? What can I do to clear that fog? Nothing, he has to do it for them.

I feel like I have to cry. Not an "ohmgosh, someone just hurt me bad" kind of cry but the kind of cry that bursts through all the frustration and the stress and, sometimes, the anger. The kind that will just flood all and every negative emotion that I have been holding in for a while and make it all go away. I don't know. Things are going on within me that I can't fully explain. Things were said last night at our meeting that made me realize I held on to somethings--okay, it didn't make me realize them. It just made me acknowledge them. I need to get rid of those things because things aren't the way they were a month ago or a year ago or even five years ago. I just don't really know what to do to release that.

It feels weird to not have Nic around. He's at home cuz it's his sister's birthday today. It's crazy how someone can so quickly become an intrical part of your life and your routine, huh? To be absolutely honest, sometimes I feel a little bad. I put a lot of effort (most of the time) into my relationship with Nic, but at what cost? Sometimes I feel like it is taking away my time with Him. I am definitely not saying that it is Nic's fault. I am not trying hard enough. I am allowing myself to fall into this rut and not grabbing anything to pull myself back up. I open my bible only at church really. That's once a week, for those of you who can't tell time. Last night also brought that up in me. I felt convicted; apparently not enough though cuz I fell asleep without reading or praying. I'm not saying that I am falling away, just to clarify. I'm not. I'm just not pursuing. I want that to change though. With His help, maybe it will.

I really should be working right now; it's a little early in the semester to be procrastinating, but I've already started so why stop right?? You can't procrastinate procrastination; it just sort of calls out to you saying, come! it's fun!! And so of course, I do what it says.

I know that this semester is not easy at all. I'm working a lot, taking a lot of credits, and slowly, ever so slowly killing myself. But ya know what? I'm okay with that. Things in my personal life aren't perfect but they're good ya know? I have momentary lapses into doubts and horrible insecurities but I have good friends and a good boyfriend. They are there for me when I need them so I have nothing to complain about. The hard work will go away gradually. Thanksgiving will be here soon and I'll be able to sleep in for a week at a time and then it'll be Christmas where I'm thinking about taking a few courses but it won't be nearly as bad because I'll still be able to have like 2 weeks with my family. And until then, I'll continue to do what I'm doing now. Working hard with a few sweet moments in between shifts and classes.

Everyone's just feeling really blah right now, ya know? Things are happening on the DL which are toying with a few people's emotions and other things are out in the open but noone talks about them for fear of hurting someones' emotions. I just had a thought, not to sound mean, but I sort of think that these things (whatever things, I'm not totally sure what I'm talking about) should be spoken aloud. I don't know.

A lot of relationship talk. It struck me the other day that I am the only one of my close friends who is in a relationship; it was weird because that NEVER happens. I'm not bragging (I know this sort of thing is a touchy sunject for lots of people), it's just something I noticed. For those who care, Nic and I are progressing along nicely. I see this going far if all is good and I don't get too afraid of commitment. That's an in and out sort of mood for me. Sometimes I don't mind thinking ahead; other times it turns my stomach. It's a good thing I have a boyfriend who is so patient, huh??

Speaking of patience, it's a good thing I have friends who are so patient too! I've been crabby and stuff lately and I've apologized to the people I think who have gotten the brunt of it all but I want to say it again: I'm sorry. I'm stretched so thin, ya know? It's like if I hang out with one person, then other people feel ignored. If I hang out with anyone, then school work goes undone. And then there's work which eats a HUGE chunk of my time and makes it difficult to do even the simplest of things with people. So annoying. But it's not like I can do anything about it. It's not really for me that I'm working for, it's for my family. They need the money more than I do. I have to help them; they've been helping me for 20 years. Who am I to say no now?

But yeah. Life is hard for everyone right now. This semester, I don't know what it is but this semester seems to be one of the most challenging years. I've had worse ones when it comes to emotions and stuff, but this is definitely not an easy one. But then again, it might also be one of the most rewarding. We just have to work through it and keep going. Life isn't supposed to be easy I guess. And it is most certainly not. It's a test; a very hard and long test of endurance.

I just feel like writing, ya know? I really want to journal and I will, but I will put some of the less personal things up here cuz I miss you my wonderful blogging buddy!!

This weekend was good. Really good I feel. Things have been bad every weekend and finally, finally, this one is good. I thank God for that; I really do. I still have a ton to do cuz I neglected it all week but I can do it; I know I can. But yeah, so people have been acting differently this semester, I've noticed. We're all dealing with a lot of different things and with people gone, it's changed our group dynamic and people are re-adjusting, people are coming in and out. We all seem to be super busy and things seem to upset us easily, perhaps partially because of exhaustian? I don't know. I wish it wasn't like that, but I understand. I've had some bad moments, months, in the past too so I get it. But hey, to whoever, if you feel like crying and/or talking or whatever, I have a nice shoulder. It's a little small, and can't offer you a ton of advice, but it will listen. Cuz sometimes I need someone there too, ya know? Everyone has to lean on someone. God made us into social creatures; we need people to be there for us and with us. We need to feel needed and loved and cared for. Ya know?

Anyways, short post I know, but I've got some mroe things that I'm gonna journal and then I have a ton of other things to do so peace out girl scouts!!!!
<3

I'm back in the OZ and thus far, it's been one of the worst starts ever. I'm working so much and I have so many things I have to do. I'm so stressed out and overwhelmed, it's just all so exhausting. And the few hours I have to spend time with people, they're out doing something else with other people that they know that I can't go to, even though I said before that I wanted to. I don't have that much time to spend with people so when we have plans to do something, and they cancel at the last minute, what am I supposed to do? When they just leave me behind or something? I'm alone and I absolutely hate it. There are thousands of people around me every day. But I only talk to one of them every day. How am I supposed to maintain friendships if I never see them? I know that some of it is my fault. But they can go to wherever they want together when I'm working. I know that's selfish and everything. I know that this is whiny and complain-y, but how else am I supposed to let this out? There's noone around.

I realize I've written a lot in the past couple days and I apologize. However, most of them have been pretty negative so maybe you'd like to know that I am no longer so unhappy, that sleep was truly what I needed in order to forget what was wrong with yesterday. To be able to have a little peace of mind, to feel good about myself and my surroundings. At least in the few hours that I have been awake. You never know what the day will bring, hey? But I will tell you how I wish my day would be.

My mama woke up this morning in a good good mood. It was strange. It was like I was little again and we got along and were a real, mother-daughter team. That doesn't happy anymore, if you want to know the truth. Hardly ever anyway. But she drank her coffee and we talked about my life, about God, the rest of my family (in a not-so-negative way) and about how I feel about certain things. My sister also woke up at a normal time, at least a normal time for us. I've missed Mimi but today, I was able to hang out with her, like she's become my friend again or something. We talked about so many things; like I said, I've missed her. All in all, it was such a good day. I feel like I'm part of a family again. I also got to talk to some very important people in my life today. It made me feel better about all of our relationships, not that I was doubting them.

That's how I wish my day would go. Let's hope that is does go that way.

Why do we have so many ranges of emotions? And why do they have to all come in at you at once? I was happy today, I was mad today, at peace, calm, upset, worried. And I hate how I feel like all these things would go away if I just talked to one person. One specific person. But honestly, there's nothing really to talk about; there's nothing they can help me with. I just want to talk and to laugh and to hear about what they have done in the last couple of days. Because I miss them. And I hate that I'm crying right now because this is ridiculous. This shouldn't be an emotion because this emotion sucks to put it less than poetically. I hate it. I should have a limited range of emotions and they should come at pre-determined times because my life would be easier. When I'm happy, I'll play with my sisters. When I'm mad or sad or anything negative, I'll sleep. That simple.

i'm Losing myself In A Field
Of Imperfections
i Look Into A Pool Of Glass, Where my Reflection Shines Clearly
Yet i Only See Scarring
--Physical, Emotional--
i Only See Untamed Wildness
Anger, Sadness
A caged animal Aching To Be Free
To Be Free Of Life's Unending, Undefeated, Undeviating Undulations
Free To See The Beauty
Which Is Created

I find myself wanting to write again, cuz to be honest, the last post (ya know, the one I wrote approximately three hours ago) wasn't really my life. I mean it was, but again it wasn't. So let me tell you what has been going on with my life, my thoughts, etc.

I went to Washington DC as most of you may in fact know. It was fun. I got to spend some time with some great people, people who I haven't and won't see for a while (a long time in one person's case). I will miss her. It's going to be so weird not having two people who have become some of my best friends around me. Not being able to go down to the basement and pass their room, stop by on my way to do laundry and see new paintings (whether on nails or canvas) or look at French plays. But most of all, it will be hard not to have them to talk to, with their experience and they're heart. Oh gosh, I'm going to miss them a lot. But I will do my best to help them on their missions, whatever way I can.

I'm looking forward to school, as different as it will be. I'm kind of tired of being here, not that people are making it difficult or anything, it's just kind of not my think anymore, ya know? I got my french book the other day and I can't believe I'm excited about it, but I am! It's actually a little funny, too. There's this one section which just is supposed to help you remember some of the things you learned in the past, and it asks: Pourquoi étudiez-vous la français? And they answer: Je suis un peu masochiste. It really is funny! Haha! I realize that some of it may not realize what that means, but that's what google translations is for people!! :) That answer seems to be absolutely what I'm in it for though. But really, it's going to be nice. I'm going to hang out with my friends for as long as possible (though with my schedule, it might be a bit harder than usual) and do lots of things that I miss like karate and BASIC and fun stuff. I will stay up for hours and be awesome for a long time, haha. Like usual. :)

I'm reading Chronicles of Narnia now. Nic got it for me. He said it's a six month anniversary present. Hmmm, I believe Beth got an engagement ring... haha. Just kidding! But it's not really 6 months yet; I guess he's just being ummmm, I forget the word. But insert any good characteristic and it will suffice I'm sure! I like Chronicles. I'm still on the Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe at the moment cuz I got sidetracked by My Sister's Keeper but it is good all the same.
Anyhoo, that's my life. Tune in next time for a the rest of this cliff-hanger ending! :)

Isn't it strange how books work? Not how they are made or anything like that, but how they work on the readers' imaginations, how they invoke feelings within us. I'm not talking about the kind of books that relay facts, like a math book or an english book. It's the kind of books that tell us stories, the kinds that we can relate to, where the characters seem so real to us, as if they were friends who we just haven't seen for a long time. I'm talking about the kind of books that draw us into a time and place that, though this particular event may not have happened to us in "real life," it is as real to us now as our breath is.

And the best part is, they stay with us even after we close the cover. The good ones, the amazing ones are forever in us, waiting to be remembered. Everyone us of has a book from our childhood which will pop into our heads at some point. Mine was Jules Verne's Journey to the Center of the Earth. I read that so many times, when I looked at the library card, my number (1234, easist ever) was the, if not majority then, significant minority of the numbers presented. I can't really remember too much of the story, to tell the truth. But when I am watching Animal Planet and something about a crocodile comes on, I'll remember a picture that was in the book, at the point in the story when they are discovering that near the middle of the world, there is a lost world where dinosaurs still exist. The picture is of a giant dinosaur-crocodile coming into a huge cave and just barely fitting into the opening. Then there is, of course, the next love of my life: Harry Potter. By the time I realized what they were, what a gem they were, there were three out I believe, but I was still ahead of the pack. In a way, Harry Potter will always signify my childhood. I was maybe 8 when I started reading them, ten at the absolute most. So there was some time for my letter to appear by owl. When I was eleven, I realized it probably wasn't going to happen. That I was a muggle. I say it like I actually believe that Harry is real, but that is the making of an excellent book. I felt like I was part of it, but invisible. In a way, it is like observing a LARP, no one can talk to you, but you know everything because you can go anywhere you want.

Anyway, the thing that made me think all of this was My Sister's Keeper. I mean the book, not the movie. I don't think I've cried that hard since maybe Little Women when Jo didn't marry Laurie. I highly recommend it if you want a good cry and be totally immersed into a world that, hopefully, you've never actually experienced yourself. And to be honest, it sort of made me re-realize why I love to read. I recently told someone that there hasn't been a book since Harry Potter ended that carried me so far into the story, into the characters to feel like they are living a life I should have lived. I'm not saying that My Sister's Keeper made me wish my sister had cancer, but it made me feel like these people were my friends, that they're pain was mine.

And that, my darlings, is the beauty of a good book.

Can I just miss you and be over with it?

Hey guys! We have a lot to catch up on! I went fishing today; well technically, I wanted to go swimming, and I did, but then I went to go fishing with my daddy and Kat. Mimi was swimming with me; it was really fun but I HATE muddy bottoms and clams and sticks and tiny particles of dirt. I spent a lot of time freaking out but then I was okay and Mimi and I laughed and swam and dug some clams out, trying to get the bigger and bigger one. When we were getting cold, we got out and sat next to Kat and Daddy where I casted a magnificent cast! And I caught a HUGE fish! It was super big! I haven't caught a fishy that big since I was like 9! Kat was upset about that though, cuz she wanted to catch the big fish. She walked way ahead of us when we were walking back to the truck and wouldn't talk to me until we started driving home. Hehe, she's kind of weird, isn't she?

I also just came back from Letchworth Park from a mini-vacation with Nic. It...had it's ups and downs, I'll admit, but it was good all in all. We saw some amazing sights (as we should at the "Grand Canyon of the East") and read some of a book that we started over the semester--or rather fell asleep while the other read aloud (I can't help it! He has a very soothing voice and I was tired!). However, all things come to an end, and this one did. He was late to work because of it ending behind schedule, but it ended anyway. We plan to do one last little get-together before the end of summer, so if anyone has any good ideas of cheap things to do for a couple days, let me know!

Mimi is upset right now. Her friend is going through some hard times; I've never actually seen her this upset about anything. It's kind of hard for me to watch her do that, to cry and stuff like that. So, I don't know; just pray or something for her and her friend, okay? That'd be great.

So, I guess I'm going with Miss Shannan and Miss Nikki to Ceder Point and D.C. which will be fun. I'm glad I'm going to see her before she leaves for China. She'll be okay, I'm sure, but I worry sometimes.

Anyway, I'll talk to ya'll later. Love you lots and lots!

HI!!!! This is my 100th blog post, in case you haven't noticed from the title. You don't know it because I fixed it, but I just spelled title wrong. I'm glad you guys are now aware of my typos; I'm sure it makes me seem more human and accessible to ya'll now.

My title reminds me of a youtube video that I love and adore. It's funny, honestly. I'm not saying my kind of humor funny, but everyone's kind of humor funny! Okay, maybe not, but check it out anyway, k? It's called The ShamWOOHOO! by Nigahiga. These guys are hilarious, really. Love them.

I'm getting kind of worried about my Missions-inclined friends. They are seriously stressed out! If it's not money, it's not being able to spend enough time with family, or spending too much time with family. Don't worry guys, k? Life will turn out the way it's supposed to, the way He wants it to. Just trust. I tend to hate it when people say that, but it's true. Just gotta trust that it'll go okay.

Guess what?!? I'm going to Letchworth on Thursday/Friday. Super excited!!!!! (I just felt like Hannah Montana's friend, Lilly right there. I think it was the way I tilted my head while writing that.... whatever. I'm not weirded out by that or anything...) Anyway, Nic and I are going to go camping and it's gonna be fantastic. I have not seen him for a month. There are lots of people I haven't seen for a month or more that could maybe visit or call me or soemthing so I can hear their voices instead of seeing their chosen font on aim (*cough*ryan*cough*kdee*cough*just about everyone else*cough*hiccup*cough*). :) But seriously, it's gonna be fun. I've been dating him for almost four months now--dating. It's a weird thing for our generation, huh? I mean, we don't actually date. When's the last time you've been on a date? My first date with Nic was a good three months after we got together. We hang out and get to know each other THEN see each other for a while exclusively before our generation goes out on a date. That's gonna make things difficult when we get out of college, huh? When we have real jobs and don't really have lives like they did on Friends. Hmmm; something to think about I guess. But yeah. Letchworth! Haha.

Oh my gosh guys. You must see something because it's so beautiful. I Stumbled! upon it. I swear, it's what God sees (or at least what God would see should He only be able to see what humans could). here, it's awesome! Oh, and if you don't know what Stumble! is, let me inform you. Stumble! is a toolbar that you can attach to your browser. You first go to the Stumble! website and download the toolbar and answer some questions and check some boxes on what you are interested in. And then, once the toolbar is attached, you have buttons (lots of buttons) but the most important one is the Stumble! button, which will transport you to random websites of things that you said you were interested on. Seriously, it is amazing!!!! You have no idea how amazingly vast the internet is until you get Stumble and you find things ranging from how to make a crane with 3 straws to cinnamon buns to getting the perfect tan to a diagram of the big bang theory and sesame street. It's soooo amazing. I completely recommend it to anyone and everyone. So go and Stumble! and have fun!

That sounds like as good as any ending phrase, so I'll leave there. I love you all and hope your amazingly well!!!! xoxo

I like stream of consiousness--have you realized yet? You might soon figure it out then cuz here we go!!

My sister's watching Sonny with a Chance on the Disney Channel while playing on my skateboard. She also just bumped into my desk and made things fall. She's weird and kind of horrible. I'm sitting on my bed, thinking about a facebook chat thing I just had with P. Marcus. Ugh! He drives me crazy and I told him off about being hypocritical but he said that I was over-reacting. And it could be true. But I can't help it! Ugh! I hate it when I feel like I've been backed into a corner because of what I believe. I despise it! Whatever though. I'll get over the anxiety I'm feeling at teh moment. I learned today that Kevin Jonas is engaged! I'm kind of sad and dissappointed about that. Simone was supposed to marry him, supposed to have a wonderful life with him. He ruined our whole plan of slow but sure world domination! Speaking of celebrities--I'm really tired of hearing about Michael Jackson's death. Don't get me wrong, he was a great musician but people are just paying attention to him again because he's dead. That's not right--it's fake fannery. Ya know? I hope that doesn't happen to me, not that I'll be famous, but ya know what I mean. And, people are totally forgetting about the other people who died that week--Ed McMahon, Billy Mays and Farrah Fawcett. And ya know what? Farrah Fawcett's story was amazing and inspiring. She died fighting against cancer, she fought for her life. Michael probably died of self-medicating it looks like now. I mean come on! It's sad but come on! And I'm also tired of celebrities being celebrities simply because they are celebrities. Ya know, the ones who haven't done anything EVER or at least not in a very long time? Like Paris or Lindsey. I mean, seriously? Someone who says that everythings 'hott' all the time and someone else who hasn't done anything since that movie with Georgia in the title? And we all know how that movie was filmed. With the redhead showing up on the set late like every day because of "exhaustion" and "dehydrated." In reality, we all know what that actually was--it's called a hangover. Drink some water after you drink all that booze Lindsey! Gosh! haha, okay, that's enough rants on celebrities for today. Ya know what artist I downloaded today? Sean Paul, the reggae rapper. i used to love him. Still do to be honest. I adore him. Ugh, I'm gonna be all emotional right now, k? So look away now if you are feeling particularly ill; look for the bold--it'll be when the emotions are over. I miss my boyfriend!! Not that I don't miss the rest of you, cuz I do, lots and lots. But it's different; I'm sure ya'll know what I'm talking about. End of emotion. okay, that's out of my system (not really, but for your benefit we'll assume). ya know, i think it just hit me that shannan will be gone for an entire year and then i'll probably never see her again. :'( I think i'm gonna cry over shannan. I will miss you mad amounts shannan. I miss you already! Really, I do. Oh, and Beth! yo! what the crap? You were in town and didn't call? We were supposed to hang out, remember? Instead you got drunk. Not to be judgemental or conceited, but i am better than apple schapps! Okay? Remember that next time missy!! Okay, I think I'm done. Love (and miss) you all!!

Hey ya'll. Can I just tell you how much I miss everyone? Cuz I do. Lots. A ton. But I will see you soon! I shall see ya'll in anywhere from 1 1/2 months to about a year. So do not fear! Your wonderful dose of Heather will indeed be there. Somewhere! I really have nothing to say. Just noticed i hadn't written anything in a while. Thought I'd say hi. Love you!!

p.s. i don't really know what bandwidth is...

dude, that's totally me today. the end.

I haven't written in nearly a week which seems weird for me. I don't have a ton to say so i'm just gonna let this be a free-for-all, steam of conciousness thing, k? I think I'm going to be a loser this summer and not have a job. It's completely my fault and I realize this. I wish I had tried harder. my parents went for another loan. Some of it was for my books because I pay for them with the summer job I should have gotten. The stupid bank manager lady made me feel so awful about this. Telling me how her son had 2 jobs to get through school and how I should be paying for it. I know Lady, really I do. My parents can't afford to help me. I realize that it's my fault, my problem. I realize that I'm an unemployed loser. But did you have to be so mean, did you have to treat me that way and make me feel so small? Seriously, I was in that office for five minutes and I left because I knew I would break out with tears or say something very mean to her. As it is, I broke down in the truck. I wish I didn't have to rely on my parents this summer. I wish I could have been better. That just means I'll have to work super hard this up-coming year to make them proud of me and to pay them back. Cuz I will pay them back, and more. I'll start being an adult. I never want to feel that way again. Ever. On a brighter note, I went to Oswego last week. Apparently I just missed Kdee but that's okay, I'll see her sometime I'm sure. I went with Nic. It was nice. I saw things in Oswego that I had never seen before and I saw them with someone who is pretty awesome, although he failed at life a lot :). We were going to take a little dip in the lock but that turned out to be a nightmare. He went first then couldn't climb back up! I ended up helping him out by holding onto a fence and pulling him out. haha. Then we just didn't feel very good for a little of it. And it rained for a little of it. But it was still really good. Having trips is good. I just wish I had $$ to contribute to these trips. It would have been nice. I doubt I'll have many of those trips left anyway. Which is okay. I understand that I'm the only one without a life at the moment :). (I smile yet everyone knows that it is the truth.) To make my life a bit more productive and satisfying I'm going to volunteer and maybe do a bit of landscaping. Might make the little spot of land near my house a little sanctuary if my daddy allows it. I would do all the work myself. I'm kind of dreading that but also looking forward to it. If I just stay on it I know I can do it. Or at least most of it, might have to scale back a bit. talked to Bethy. I miss her lots. I wish I could see her more and hear her voice more and just laugh and joke like we used to. remember? Remember when life was easier Bethy and there were no boys or bills messing it up for us? Remember when the most we would have to worry about was the school newspaper, Shakespeare, and fifteen dollars or so to pay for a little diner food? That was fun. that was great actually. But i suppose it didn't feel so great at the time I'm sure. I suppose that ten years from now we'll all be like, "remember when we didn't have kids or a mortgage to worry about? Remember when we wanted to live somewhere because it was cheap and fun instead of having a good school district?" As weird and crazy as it sounds, I'm kind of looking forward to that. I'm not saying that I want kids at the moment, please do not think that because that is most certainly not the truth--I'm scared to death of that particular time. However, I don't know what I want to do with my life, where I want my future to go, or what I want my career to be. The one thing I do know however, is that I want a family. Like I want to be that woman who takes time out of her career to take care of her children, whenever that should happen. I'm sure about that ya know? Speaking of kids, I watched the latest episode of Jon & Kate + 8, and my goodness! Kelly, they are getting a divorce!! I speak directly to Kelly cuz I know she watches, or is at least interested, in the show. Isn't that so sad?!? I hope that doesn't happen to me, or to any of you! That's horrible. I feel so sad for their kids, ya know? To have that happen. I don't know. I wonder if it's easier to do it while they're younger though, ya know? I don't know. But anyway, on that dramatically happy note, i shall leave. love you!

p.s. Kat's graduating Kindergarten tomorrow and mimi will (hopefully) graduate highschool on Sunday!! Yay for them!!!!

i realize that my last post was melodramatic, okay, VERY melodramatic. I won't delete because that's not what i'm about, what this blog is about, but just know that my life is not as bad as i played it out today. i was just in a bad mood/area of the day so i'm awesomely okay. love you!!!!

Have you ever woken up at 8 in the morning and known something was wrong with you? Have you ever woken up at 8 in the morning and continued to have that feeling up til the present time? Now complicate your absolute wretchedness of being indescribably ill and add watching your little sister (because your parents won't get up with her) who is also sick and your cranky father who doesn't want to listen to Kat or get up. Now, imagine that your little sister has finally fallen back asleep at 11 in the morning, after watching 2 movies. Relief, right? Yeah, for a couple hours you are able to fall back into your bed and blankly--albeit, melodramatically--think that these are your last moments on Earth and you are thinking mean thoughts about your parents until finally you drift into a very choppy sleep. Then someone comes to your driveway at 1:30 and your two dogs start barking, because that's what dogs do, and your parents finally wake up because your little sister is calling for you. Now, not only are the dogs barking, your little sister crying for her mama now (who won't listen to her) but you also have your mother yelling that you're not awake yet, even though you were awake approximately five and a half hours before her, taking care of her daughter. When you answer that you are awake, she goes on to nag you about putting away your clothes before you can pronounce how awful you feel, hoping to receive a little mercy. But no, in your house, when you are ill, it is not like on television, where mothers will sit next to their sick child on her bed and give her chicken-noodle soup while stroking her hair. God forbid that should ever happen!! No, instead your mother nags you about your chores so loudly that she cannot hear your moans that you are being besieged by the devil himself and if you move you will be sick. But finally, for some reason or other, with one last departing "come watch the dogs (like they're going to have some raging party or something for the doberman next door) and take care of your clothes, you are in peace. For a little bit. Like two seconds. The phone rings, so you make the mistake of rushing to go get it, feeling nauseous by the second, and right when you get to the phone, they hang up. You realize it's your aunt, who will in all probability continue to call until someone answers, so you stay in the living room, wishing for the life of you that you had your comforting blankie and teddy. But no, she calls back and you tell her without opening your mouth too wide that your mother is not here, you don't know where she is, you don't know when she'll get back, and you don't know if they took the cell phone. You hang up and watch a little tv before your parents and sister come back. Kat says that they have a blueberry muffin for you. You haven't aten all day, it doesn't sound particularly appetizing, but it is a nice action. However, your mother informs her that in fact, there is nothing for me because she ate it, most likely after decimating her own. This brings a little bitterness on but nothing is said. Your parents go outside for whatever reason and you sit there in the quiet, thinking about how thirsty you are and realizing that you're probably dehydrated. Your mother calls for you to come outside and, as a show of daughterly affection, you stand on the porch, or rather sitting on the porch, and asks her what she wants. She says to go over there, and as you walk out "over there," you realize that there is a mound of dirt surrounded by 2x4s. You are looking at your mother's most recent attempt to create a garden and the bane of your existence since you are the one who mows the lawn. You mutter this to yourself but quietly come and lay heavily down on the grass, vaguely thinking about the snake that you saw near the same position the day before and wondering how many snails you just crushed by laying down. Your mother tells you to go and put seeds into her garden by which you reply with an absolute no. Your daddy comes to your rescue and tells her to plant her own garden, even though he and your little sister are helping her. You sit there quietly, not wanting to move in any way. Your mother asks you what's wrong like you haven't been repeating the now bittered sentiment of "I'm sick" for the last 6 hours but you still utter those two words, with a hint of the neglect you've been feeling all day with the last words of "thanks for noticing." Your mother decides that, even though you have been sick for a quarter of the day and continue on with your own little marathon from hell, that it is simply something you ate. Now remember, please, that you ate an egg and a waffle for dinner last night and that was basically it. Please also remember that you haven't eaten anything today, at all. Imagine that your mother, upon receiving this little tid-bit, asks your father, not to look at you and see if he can understand what's wrong with you, but if they might have started the garden too late. Not wanting to hear any more of the stupid freaking garden, you wander back inside and are quickly forced to move so your mother can have "her" chair and then again because you know that your father will want "his." You go back into your room after more volleys of taking care of your clothes and lay down on your bed until your other sister comes home. You finally assent to taking care of your clothes, because you are, of late, feeling a little better, however you are not feeling good by any definition of the phrase. You have just had the June 11, 2009 Heather Experience. Thanks for playing.

Yes, I'm from the country. I'm allowed to speak that way. You ain't so you can't. (that was a MIMS throwback, but I had to change it in order to make it work. Apparently, I can also speak rap; I'm just that cool.)

So I feel super special wonderful. I had three gorgeous people come and visit me so I could visit them! Shannan and Ryan came on Friday night/Saturday morning. Waaaay early and we went to Shannan's hometown. I only stayed til 1:30 Sunday Morning when they brought me home, but it was still sooo much fun. I love you people!!! We went to see windmills, and went put-putting. That was fun. I think I won though we ended up cheating after a little bit. The stupid thing was 18 holes!! And we didn't have that much time to play it!!!! Then Shannan, Ryan, Nicole (shannan's sister) and I made Shannan's family dinner. Shannan added hotdogs and chickpeas in the pasta sauce and surprisingly, it was pretty good! Good job guys!!! And of course Nic came last weekend, which was fun too!

Okay, so I have an issue, a gross issue. So if you have a queasy stomach and/or are eating peanut butter of any nature, click away, click away!!! Last month, I threw up. Some of you may remember me talking of the fact that it literally happened two minutes before my anthro final. It was an ice cream Snickers bar so it was kind of peanut-y. Today, I also threw up. It was a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich. I thought, last month, that it was because of my nerves. But now, I am not so sure. I think maybe I am not liking peanuts. But I love peanut butter!!! And I've ate peanut butter for the last two days!! What makes today so special? I think I have an idea, but that is one thing I will not share. I've been wondering as I write this, if this is something to blog about. But then, ya'll basically know my entire lives as is, why not keep the closeness going, huh? Anyway, I haven't been sick like that in a long time, last month being the exception. Weird, huh? And I know what you're thinking; no, I'm not pregnant. That is not possible at this moment in time.

Another gross issue, I think I have poison ivy on my toe!!! Yay!! It's weird that it's only on my toe, but it was also on my middle finger near my nail, which is weird as well. I have weird physical maladies. But I'll leave now, now that you know my entire life. :)

love forever,
heather

hey ya'll! listen, sorry about the last post. I was being emotastic until a little shannanbird reminded me that Satan is a very good, believable liar. But now I shall tell you amazing things about my life!!!!

I went to Nic's house this past weekend (or rather Thursday on til Monday). I met his parents and did the girlfriend thing. It was nice, ya know? Like just to be around someone who likes me for me and that I like him for him. It was wonderful. Ugh. I sound like one of those girls, don't I? The ones who are like, "*teehee* You'll never guess what me and my bf(wialf)--boyfriendwhoiabsolutelyloveforever--did last week? We went to the movies and we held hands and I love him forever *teehee*." Kill me now, okay. Just kill me. I don't want to be one of those girls.

Anyway, so I started running today. And please don't believe for one second that I will continue this because then you might jinx me and I'll never do it again. But it felt good. I'm most certainly not a strong runner but a little bit at a time, right?

I think I'm going to take out my nose ring. It keeps getting infected and is driving me crazy so I need to take it out. The only issue is that I'm mad afraid to do it by myself so I need to have someone else do it.

So I'm gonna go now and have amazing wonderful things or something. So love you all lots and lots!!!

heather

I despise that I'm so far away. I despise that I'm such an emo-little person that I feel neglected when people don't talk to me. I despise that I kind of need constant attention. I despise that I'm not enough for me. I despise that

I can't finish this. It's too depressing even for me.

That's my color. Today I decided that the days of Casperina were going to come to an end. I decided that I was not going to white for at least three months, that I was going to be gorgeously golden. But instead of looking like a yummy loaf of bread that is tan and delicious, I look like strawberry cotton candy. I skipped over the hollywood starlette look and went straight to pink. Go me! >.< normal tan lines are okay). No. I was wearing a wife beater and shorts. I had a bra (of course) underneath the beater so I have extremely weird tan lines cuz i pulled up my shorts a little and my shirt a little and laid just over a hill where people couldn't see me. So my lines aren't even in the right places. And I'm pink--on one side.

So i've decided that from now on, white is fine. White is good. My body rejects all colors except white and pink. And that does NOT look good. So Casperina is going to live on but ya know what, I'm okay with that. With any luck, I'll have amazing skin when I'm old and you all will look fourty years older than you actually are.

Speaking of age and looking it, when I was going to get applications the other day, people asked me what my age was, assuming that I was too young to work at those specific places. When I asked my dad if I looked too young, he said "you look like you're about fourteen." Fourteen!! In case people haven't noticed, I think I am more *ahem* developed than a fourteen year old. My short hair is supposed to make me look older. Grr! What can I do for you people to believe me when I say that I have lived 2 decades?? What?!? Please tell me and then I will gladly go and do it!! Suggestions are welcome!! (I'm serious, help me out here. I don't want to look like I just hit puberty. That is not generally considered the best age to be.)

all the love,
heather

Hey all! Wow, something weird just happened with my Blogger. That's okay though, I love you anyway Blogger! Anywho, I know I've been writing mad amounts of stuff, right? But I like to catch up all my oh-so-devoted fans on my life so here it goes guys!

I'm at home (duh!) but I'm driving now (with my parents, but whatevs, it's a small taste of freedom). I'm doing good at it, just so you all know. I expect to out-drive every single one of you on any surface, any type of weather, anywhere, anytime (but only if you let me win :). Haha, I never know if I should put another parenthesis after my smiley face that's at the end of my parenthetical clause. I say no. I say it works that way; plus it would look really, really weird if I put another one on. It'd look like my smiley had a double chin!

So I gave Nic this address last night, so if you ever read it again, welcome! This is my life, my "world as I know it." It's boring, I realize, but it's what I have to offer.

I have some applications that I need to fill out. Nothing cool or amazing like sky-diving instructor--not that I'm actually qualified for that, unless they want to go squish! on the ground, but I don't think that's a viable option at this point--but it might be a job after all! I'm hopeful. Well, that's all I guess. Gonna go back to watching iCarly and on facebook. Peace out girl scouts!!

love heather

Hey! In case you haven't noticed, i changed my template, which seems to be an epidemic. I don't know what's wrong with my "about" or my "archives" or even my "search bar" but I love it a lot!!!! Anyway, I love you all, I just wanted to say hi!!! So hi!!!

I'll write more later.

love,
heather

A friend once told me that way back when, people used to think that stars were the light of heaven shining through from tiny pin pricks. He then went on to tell me what they really are but I still like the imagery of that. The stars are little, tiny holes into heaven.

And think about it, in the darkest of darkest nights, in the darkest, blackest places, we see those stars more clearly, they are more noticable. They are the one thing that people see and it gives them hope.

So let's remember that this summer, okay guys? Let's remember that even in the darkest of times, there are little bits of heaven that shine through.

(this was originally written for the blog, Light, but I wanted more people to see it so I put it here cuz I know people don't often check Light)
<3 heather

I'm home; and alone. It's okay right now. Before it was bad. The day I came home I sort of hated it because I was so alone. Same thing for my birthday. My parents were fighting with my sister and I hated it. My dad didn't even remember until I started singing happy birthday to myself to drown out my mom and Mimi. I asked them if my birthday present could be for there to be no fighting in the house. That lasted approximately one minute, no exaggeration. I guess it doesn't matter though. My birthday was never a big thing. Now the only birthdays that my mama ever really does anything for is her own and katarina's. I guess it doesn't matter.

And then there's the fact that all of my closest friends, basically all of my friends, live in a different part of the state. Like seriously, they are spread out. Most are in the Oswego area but Beth is in Palmyra and Nic is near Schenectedy...Albany. I can't spell that word. Seriously, it sucks that I have to spend three months without my best friends. But I'm going to deal with it because most of them, with the huge and noticable exception of miss bethany mack, are going to visit me. Because I love them all and they all love me. Wonder what that says about that girl in mormon country. hmmm. Jk! Love you Beth!! Ugh. But I'm going to try harder this summer I think to catch up to my high school classmates. I'm not saying that it is going to work or even to happen, but I'm thinking of trying it.

But right now I'm not worried about that. Things are okay right now because I'm just catching up on my reading. I've read all of the twilight series. Finished today--I started on like the 12th or something and I did a lot of the reading in three days or so. Now I'm going to read the Terri Pratchett & Neil Gaiman (?) novel that I bought along with the book that Shannan got me for my birthday. It's going to be good for a while I'm sure.

Love and miss you all,
Heather

Yet again, I should not be writing. I'm such a horrible student guys!!!! I hardly did anything yesterday so now I have to study for my midterm, which I am not, and research for/write a 9 page paper on Lolita and decadence and literary critical theory. I'm stressed out beyond belief and then there's everything that's happening in BASIC--you know, the insane amount of drama that is constantly surrounding us. It has something to do with me but I couldn't not say anything ya know? People say that we're fake so I do something that's completely honest albeit hurtful and in bad timing, and boom! it's a catastrophe that people who are not involved in it feel the intense need to be. I hate it!!!!!!!!! I'm so tired of almost every part of my life. I'm so tired period. The rapture would be nice right now. Then I could sleep and be merry. [After]Life would then be good.

I've come to a conclusion. I'm not really set up for relationships. I'm not saying that I don't want to be in a relationship or that I'm not glad for the relationships (from Nic to Shannan to my parents) that I have, but they seem weird to me.

In a relationship, one literally gives up themselves, puts themselves out there, almost asks to be hurt and taken for granted. This should go against everything that our human nature tells us. We don't want people to be able to hurt us yet we give them that power over us. You hold your heart out to a person, asking them, begging them not to drop it or else it will shatter into a million pieces, so many pieces that there are not enough stars to compare it to. And sometimes, that heart can't be put back together. Sometimes, there's not enough band-aids to go around. Sometimes, a piece gets lost and so you will never be the same again. Why do we do this to ourselves? I hate the idea that that is what we have to do in order to have happiness in our lives. We have to give up our independence and our ability to keep ourselves safe so that we can have some weird, sado-masochistic sense of joy that can flitter away at any moment for any reason whatsoever.

I'm not very good at that; I'm not very good at communicating and giving in. I'm not very good at opening the door for people to come into my life and my heart. I'm not very good at doing the relationship thing in general. It's sad and I'm trying to change it. It goes so slow though. It goes so slow that I don't know how long people will wait for me to unlock the door and allow them a little glimpse of my life, my feelings, my dreams, me.

It is effectively 2:40 in the morning. I find myself in the 24 hour room, slowly dying in all ways possible. That is a lie. It is not like that. I am not dying. I am just tired and achy. Because life sucks for a college student. For a college student who procrastinates like woah. For a college student who procrastinates like woah even though Finals Week starts Monday. Yeah. Welcome to my personal hell.

Anyway, I just thought I would write a little to keep people in the loop that is my life. I just realized that I gained a follower--Welcome whoever you are!! (That sounds cultish. Don't worry, I only sacrifice followers who go against my teachings. ;-) On to my life!!

Like I said, it's super busy around here. People are freaking out, as is the norm around this time of year. Some of my friends are graduating and moving away, some are metaphorically moving away from me. That happens though, I suppose. People come into the forefront of your life, others move more toward the background. It makes me super sad though. I cry about it a lot and I wish it wouldn't happen but I am not the ultimate Decider in what happens in my life, ya know? In all that happens, I trust in Him--or at least try.

This semester was so much better than last, even with the falling backness that is happening and the procrastination that always happens. I have gotten closer to a lot more people, Kdee and Kelly, and of course Nic being the main ones (or at least the only ones I can think of right now). I didn't cry as much as I did last semester and God is really putting some band-aids on my heart; he's using people to make me realize some things about myself, things that are helping me. Plus, I got an orange belt!!!! Yeah, I'm awesome, you know it, yeah! sorry, i had to, ya know? It was there and when something is there, I must take it. Sort of like Kdee and cars.

Next semester is going to be tough though, I can just feel it. I'm taking 7 classes (that's 19 credit hours for those people who don't understand how much work that actually is), I now have a job where I'm working 15 hours a week, I have to start thinking and planning out my honors thesis (good luck with that self), I have karate (orange!), BASIC, possibly BASIC leadership, and WNYO (I really like having a radio show, so I want to continue doing it) not to mention my relationships that I would like to continue with, ya know, being a human being with the basic human need of being around people. That's a lot to do. But I can totally get through it. I'm strong like that. Well, He's strong like that. And I have some good people around me who got my back. It's good to have that support group. And (somewhat surprisingly,) my family is part of that support group. I like that.

Haha, really fast, I got Nic sick. I think it's funny. I'm sure he doesn't. But I think so. I'm not even that sick really. Or don't feel it yet. Who knows? I might die from Swine Flu later.

I don't understand a lot of what is going on in my life at this moment in time. People aren't talking to me, aren't answering my texts, though that may just simply be my phone being retarded, but i am prone to thinking that that is not the case. Again, that could just by me. I don't know. If they are mad, I do not understand. I didn't go to the movie last night, sure. But it's not like I am not doing anything that other people haven't done. Somehow, there is something inside of me that just takes things that people say or do or turn them into something against me, about me. That's selfish and narccistic, I do realize that, but it is what I do. I don't know what is up with me today.

Ugh. I wish that i could write everything i wanted to here, but i just can't. i wish i could talk to people, but i can't.

I really shouldn't be writing this; i have so so so much to do it's not even funny. However, I felt the need to write and I'm going to to heed that need. :)

I am stressed. like woah stressed. I feel like I am handling it quite well but any more stuff piles onto my lap i might die of crying, because that's what I do when I get upset. I cry, a lot. But that's not really what I wanted to write about. I don't even really want to think about that. What I want to write about is something different. Something I don't really know yet so forgive my rambling thoughts. I'm just going to let my mind wander a bit.

I want to work for a Christian youth camp this summer. I'm deathly afraid that it's not going to happen. I'm afraid that Ed and Debby won't get the ministry reference in on time or that they will give me a bad reference. I just think that this will be good for me. It seriously will be an entire summer fully devoted to Jesus and trying to help kids grow up and stuff. I'm all about that yo! That reminded me of Lilo and Stitch; ya know that part where Nani is trying to get a job so she says she's all about concierging? Yeah, that's me. Except it's true. The wind is blowing outside and my window is open; I love it when the window is open. It's a breeze and sounds--nature at it's finest really. I'm warm and dry yet feel as if I'm out there too. Tonight might be the promotion test for karate. I'm really nervous. Partially because I'm afraid I'll mess up or can't do the physical aspect of it but also afraid that I will break the illusionment that I have put upon people in karate. Not just Nic. I have this thing where I have to be perfect; i don't want people to see my bad side or my downfalls. I must be perfect at what I do, which is awful and makes me feel bad when I'm not but it's just something I have to deal with, ya know? It's just one of my things. I'm looking at Simone's address. I'm a bad long-distance friend. I have so much to do and I procrastinate so much--even writing to amazing people like Simone. I miss her though. I miss hearing her voice. Today, someone called me and my phone was on the loud setting and I heard her voice-she's my ringtone. Is that weird? I really think it might be. I do miss her though. For the summer job, I have to take a cpr and first aid class. i wonder where I can go to take those? Probably the Y. I'll have to check. I have to do laundry so i'll see you guys later.
pce.

The reason why I am writing this and not telling you this over the phone is because I don't want to hear the disapproval and disappointment in your voices. I don't want to imagine the hurt you might feel and connect it to the words you would say to me. But the reason why I'm telling you at all is because I don't want to lie anymore. I don't want to continue a charade.

Remember over Christmas or something, mama, when you asked me if i was a virgin and i said yes? I lied to you. During fall semester I met a boy, Bongo man, who was simply horrible for me and although I saw it, I did nothing to stop it. He wasn't, isn't a nice boy and i regret to this second what I did. It was only once, but that's all it takes for a lifetime of not-so-wonderful memories. I wish I hadn't done anything. I wish I hadn't met him. But I did, and I did.

I have to deal with those consequences (which did not result in a pregnancy or anything mama) and I now have to explain to my future husband when I meet him that no, i can't really give you anything because I made the biggest mistake I could ever make. I hate it. I hate that I have to do that; that I could have made a different decision and not have to worry about that now. I hate that I now think of myself as a whore because that's how I feel. I hate it that one night made my relationship with everyone i know, including you guys become full of lies and deceit. And I hate how I can never take that back. Never.

I'm sorry I lied to you and didn't explain everything til now. I just don't want you to be disappointed in me. I'm supposed to be the "good one" (not to say mimi isn't), I'm supposed to be different from our cousins and everyone else. I'm supposed to make something of myself and not be stupid. And yet, I have done such stupid, stupid things. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.

On a slightly cheerier note, though. I'm seeing a guy named Nic who treats me much better than i deserve. He treats me like a princess and I don't think I've ever had that. He's from karate and he's a junior, not yet 21. He doesn't do drugs or drink. He's a history major. He's a super-nerd cuz he does D&D but he's funny and doesn't hate me for going to BASIC and church and he likes my friends. And mama, he's Italian. And catholic. And daddy, he can seriously talk at length about anything. And he's nice. And he doesn't care if, because of everything last semester, we go super super slow and that there will always be large out-of-bounds areas which we won't even go near. He's okay with that. I don't know how long he'll be good with my emotastic mood changes but thus far, he's doing okay. He seems, for some reason, to generally like me for me. I don't know why, but he does.

If you want to call and yell at me, I just ask you to wait, cuz I have a ton of stuff to do tonight and can't really deal with that right now. But if you just want to talk, then that's cool, i'll put off my homework. I'm sorry daddy. I'm sorry i can't be your little girl anymore. if i could take it back i would. in a heart beat.

Love you both,
heather

There are some things,
some horrible days,
where thoughts flood my brain.
Debris of emotions hit me with the force of the tide.

I just read an article from the New York Times, stating that Obama is going to reverse Bush's orders regarding stem cell research. It would seem, that the President is willing to kill in order to further science and "separate science and politics." Finding that out is making me tear up. My God, if he is willing to kill children so that people like Christopher Reeves, may he rest in peace, will be able to walk, what else will he do? Those people have had the chance to live. The embryos have not. Human beings are not like frogs that are raised to give high school students a chance to dissect them!

"Separating science from politics?" There are some parts in science that I would rather not venture into, if you don't mind. There are some sciences that shouldn't be ventured into. I don't care if you are pro-life or pro-choice. If we do this, what will make us stop at other things? What will make us stop at killing someone to find out how the brain works? I realize this is a slippery slope argument but the thing is still there. It is human nature to take more than what is given; the phrase, "give an inch, take a mile" didn't become a cliche for nothing.

I'm not a Bush fan or an Obama hater. I just think the first is right and the latter is dead wrong. And unfortunately, this decision effects a lot more lives than most of the ones he is going to make in the next year or so. Maybe he should just continue taxing us to death so that our economy, which i had nothing to do with, can survive again. He seems to be good at that.