The World as I Know it

I don't understand either. I don't. But I need help in order to. I just need you to be there for me; to let me lean on you sometimes, because I need that. And you're right, we may never be the same, but why do we have to just say that and not try? We've been through a lot and this is the thing to rip us apart? I don't understand... I adore you with my whole being; not being around you hurts me worse than the things that happened on Monday. I just miss you. I don't know if you'll read this, but I miss you. I just miss you.

I'm listening to the Mat Kearney song on Padora Radio (which all you should check out because it's pretty much amazing), which is why that's the title of this post.

I'm sitting in the library, where I have been for approximately two and a half hours according to facebook and I am a-l-o-n-e. Shonda was supposed to come but I guess she didn't get the chance, which is fine, it's just that sitting in a room by yourself is absolutely no fun and makes you tired very often.

I don't know what is going on with my life to tell you the truth. Sometimes, I just want to be alone and concentrate on one person, but I hate being alone a lot and people often don't have time or, I don't know, just don't see the point. A lot of people have talked about this, I know, but maybe it's because I'm sort of cranky or something. Whatever. I'm not being coherent right now. Haha.

I talked with Bongo Man last night. I was supposed to be studying philosophy more than talking but it didn't turn out that way. He was having kind of a crappy day and people don't want to talk about studying nevermind do it when their day has sucked big time. We ended up talking about what he wants to do with his life, which is awesome. He actually wants to change the world for the better. Some people may feel like in order to do that, you must be Christian and try to save everyone, and that is remarkably important, but we must remember that Jesus was also about having love for those who didn't have anything else. He protected people who would otherwise be stoned or shunned or cast away. Bongo Man realizes this in some way; he gets it, though he doesn't realize it's God who's putting this sort of stuff on his heart but he will, I think.

It's interesting on people can do that; they will go into social work or something and not care about God, maybe even be an atheist, yet it is God who is leading them in that position. I really think that. He still cares about us, even those among us who don't believe. He made us with such creativity, knowing what was going to happen in our lives, knowing what to put in us in order to help us with our futures. People just don't realize that.


I think the title of this post is oddly appropriate, though it wasn't supposed to be. I am crashing down into a new year, into a new self of some sort. I'm not sure if it will be a pretty crash landing, but I know that it is going to be an experience to remember.

So I've decided to take a break from cleaning my room. Shonda's side is already spotless and beautiful looking--mine has a little bit more to go.

Last night we (meaning Kdee, Kelly, Shannan, Ryan, Andy, Nick, Brandon and I) went to the park across from New Cov and had some worship and prayer. There was a drunk person there and we decided to pray for him. It was weird, being around a drunk person again. I mean, Ryan had his problems and I was there for some of it, but this guy, Paul, brought back some memories for me. My dad drank for a long time. As long as I can remember really. And he always used to come home smelling like beer. I don't think he was as bad as Paul was, but it may be that I just don't want to remember that stuff. When we lived in Dexter (I always say that I lived in Watertown because it's bigger and more people know it), we lived over a bar, in an apartment. My daddy was a construction worker, sort of. Our family business was blowing stuff up--trenches, wells, even an old two story smoke tower once--and when we had the money, we where we could find him if he wasn't working at the moment. He was always downstairs. It got so normal, that my sister had a birthday party in the actual bar. Weird, I know, but it wasn't weird then. I don't know why daddy drank. I never really asked. I just accepted it. I mean, I was five or six when we moved to Dexter, and even when we still lived in Belmont, we lived near a bar so it wasn't strange to be in a bar or see people drinking. My mama even drank some, though she knew her stomach couldn't handle it. I remember one time, it was right after my mama got hurt, the ambulence came and took her to the hospital. My daddy stayed at the bar while Mimi and I was upstairs, in the living room. We called the bar, or at least we thought it was the bar, to talk to daddy. It turned out to be 911 from when my mama called. Mimi hung up, she was like 7 or something, so she was still really young, and they called back. I had to go downstairs to the bar to get daddy and then after he talked to the 911 operator or something, he called the bar so we could just press re-dial and went back down. I remember having to go get him some nights, walk behind him up the stairs to make sure that he didn't fall. I was like 8 or 9. He never hit us or anything. I think he was a happy-ish drunk, so it's not like it was terrible. I'm just saying that talking to Paul brought some stuff back.

It seems weird to think that people didn't have the same experiences as I had. Ryan had completely different than mine, and although I don't know much about Shannan's, her's is different too. When Brian was talking about the Goble's drinking last night, it was like he had no idea what he was talking about. And he doesn't. He's never been drunk; I seriously doubt that he has been around anyone who was drunk.

Later though, when we moved back home, to where I live now, Daddy stopped drinking. We're not close to a bar though, so that could be why. Or maybe it's just that Mama is actually hurt so he's trying to help. Kat is going to have a different sort of childhood than mine, though she's probably going to have to grow up fast like me. Mimi hasn't had to grow up that fast. I've always looked after her for the most part. For the longest time, she was the baby of the family. When Mama was hurting, I tried to help her as much as I could (though I did get tired of it and I think I'm sort of resentful now, though I'm working on it) and I tried to keep Misty from hearing mama and daddy argue about money or about him drinking or something. Now, Kat's like an only child. Soon, Mimi will leave and she'll have to fend for herself, though I know that both I and Mimi will help her in every way we can. I don't know. It's not that my parents are bad parents, cause they're not. They are simply getting older and they have issues of their own and it's just getting harder for them.

Anyway, I should get back to cleaning. Bye!!

So I am happy to be back now. It's so much fun to sit down and talk about things with my friends in the OZ but at the same time, it's really weird because a lot has changed. There are quite a few new people to contend with and get to know and there are problems of different sorts with the old people. Plus, it's really weird to think of myself as a sophomore; I look at the freshmen in my hall (and especially the freshmen in Johnson) and think that I used to be in their shoes. I freaked out when I received my first 40 page reading assignment. Now I feel like it's a blessing, like I can actually do it. And the fact that we now hang around and are meeting a lot of the freshmen makes it even weirder because they are all having the experiences we had earlier in life. I don't know. But I do like most of the freshmen. There are some weird ones who do some weird things, but most, like Kdee, fit in really well and make a new, and nice, dynamic in our little group. However, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing and although I love all these new people, it gets super annoying. Like Shannan said, we can never get free time with each other. We're never one on one, just talking and hanging out, maybe even having a little fellowship. We had 14 people at late night tonight. Fourteen! We had 12 at dinner. That's an absurd amount and I hate it! You can't possible talk to all those people! Wtc am I supposed to do? Whatever. I'm pretty sure that there's gonna be some falling out and some drifting away. It happens. But I will write more later.

Less than three all of you!