The World as I Know it

So, this is what has happened. I lost a friend; how fantastic. This is how it went:

Bridgette is always on Ryan's case about his drinking, everyone is, so I try to stand up for him a bit (not that he needs it, but that's just how I am). She freaked out on him Tuesday night/Wednesday morning but we (me and Steph) managed to stop them from arguing more. However, Ryan really wanted to talk to her, and he tried. She got defensive as soon as he started to say, "I want to talk to you." I could completely tell that this was going to be a waste of time and guess what? It was. So then Ryan got upset and erased her "happy birthday" messages from her white board but I stopped him from writing anything else. I tried to talk to her in the bathroom as we were brushing our teeth but she blew up at me because I defended Ryan. She then went on to imply that I was a whore.

Last night, I messaged her on facebook and this morning I go to talk to her. She doesn't listen to me, like always, and just keeps talking and talking. I barely get to say anything, which is so stupid. Then she says that she just wants to drop me and Ryan; by this time, I'm basically just about crying. I tell her whatever. That I still want to be her friend and that if she ever decides that she can deal with me being friends with Ryan then she knows where I am. She also said she was wrong to imply that I was a whore but later she basically called me it again. How nice, huh?

I'm trying to move past the hurt, sad, depressed stage into the full-fledged angry stage but it's not really working. I'm flip-flopping right now from both. Why do I always have to say sorry, why do I always have to make the concessions? I feel like, in all my relationships here, that I'm the only one that tries; except with Ryan, we don't get mad at each other. I don't know. Everyone's driving me crazy!!

And, she got rid of me as a friend in facebook. Beth, if you're reading this, I'm going insane. Help me!

I have many, many secrets. Some of which I can't tell anyone but here is one that haunts me...

I don't have a high self esteem. I know I don't and that's what makes it bad. I don't think I'm pretty, I don't think I'm small (like people say I am). In fact, because they think I'm small, it makes me feel even worse about eating. I feel like all that needs to happen is a little push and I will have an eating disorder; I already think about it. I already say to myself, you could lose like five pounds a week easily if you just don't eat this meal or if you just go throw up. My mother was right when she thought that the reason why I was exercising was to lose weight. It's the absolute truth. I want to be tiny and would do anything to get that way and that scares me. And then my family is very visual. They know if you have gained weight and are not nice about it. Last time I went home my dad said it looked like I gained weight, so did Beth. They don't know how much that hurt, how horrible I felt...

Life is hectic enough. I feel like eating is the one way I can control it. I feel bad every time I do eat. I watch what I eat and feel proud of myself if I go a day without eating more than 1 meal. That really does scare me... I don't know what to do about it.

This secret doesn't exactly haunt me so to speak but it does affect my everyday life. It takes me an hour every morning to get ready for class. Even when there is no classes, it takes me that long. I feel like I'm going to spin out of control, especially here, at school where the people don't really know me as well as the people back home do. If I do go out of control, who will catch me?

So, I've had my first drinks tonight... I'm not drunk or anything but Ryan and Mike are. Unbelievable drunk, you have no idea. It's pretty bad.

We were drinking whiskey. My first drinks were shots! I had like 2 1/2 so it wasn't that bad but Ryan and Mike basically drank the entire freaking bottle! Then we took off our clothes (down to our skivvies) and swam in the lake. That's freaking cold but I did it anyway. Then we went for a walk around the lake and Mike fell down and cut his forehead. It's still bleeding I think; I don't really know, he's in the shower or something.

So I tried to write yesterday and it was going to be this whole thing where I feel like I don't fit in anymore here; unfortunately I don't feel like that today. I'm in an awesome-ly good mood, you have no idea. I'll tell you why...

MY MORNING CLASS WAS CANCELED AND I GET TO GO HOME TODAY!!!!

How awesome is that, huh? I freaking love it. All I have to do this morning is get some reading done, get my stuff around to go home and clean a little bit (try to make it so I come back to a clean side of the room). It's going to f-ing rock! I love it already!!!!!!!

Is it weird to suddenly find yourself not thinking that you belong. I mean, I have friends (good friends) but sometimes I feel like they don't want to be around me or that I don't really want to be around them. Then there are the awkward situations I seem to love putting myself into. Okay, from the beginning.

Ryan, for some odd reason, is not talking to me. I haven't talked to him since last night when he was in a freaking awful mood and said that he wanted to move to Cayuga.