The World as I Know it

Think back to when someone said something nice to you, out of the blue, whether it's a compliment on your new shoes or an encouragement in your relationship with God.  Hold on to that.  Now think about the last time someone said something and hurt your feelings.  It doesn't have to be anything really large, it doesn't even have to malicious; it could be said in jest, but it still hurt.  Words have such a powerful effect on our lives, don't they? 

I have been thinking on this for a while, and I've come to the conclusion that Christians, called to be on the straight and narrow path that God has led them down, are terribly worried about their actions, how their actions will affect them and their testimony to others and they should be.  However, in worrying about what the right hand is doing, they sometimes forget the simplest thing, their mouths!

To kill someone, one must first thing about it, whether it's for a few seconds or a few years.  Then they must get a weapon or something to actually do the act, and finally, one must use the weapon to rip the life out of another's body.  There are a few steps that I'm sure I'm missing but the point is, what does it take to hurt someone with words?  A second of thought and then it all comes tumbling out?  Being murdered, no doubt excruciatingly painful in its own right, is over relatively quickly.  Think back to when you were picked on as a child (or if you were one of the lucky ones, to something similar), do you still remember what was said or how you felt at that moment?  You most likely do.  People can remember hurtful words that were said a lifetime ago, literally.  The Word says "reckless words pierce like a sword...crushes the spirit (Prov. 12:18, 15:4)."

Sometimes, people say such stupid things.  A common occurrence in my particular group is to pick on each other, sometimes unrelentlessly.  Sometimes, we say things we shouldn't about other people, about who they are or what they've done.  Sometimes we don't really understand how sharp those words really are, how heavy they are.  But we're not the only ones who are capable of holding that sword.  In the book I'm reading, The Unlikely Disciple, it talks about how students at Liberty University live and study and so on as students.  It also talks about Jerry Falwell, the famous (infamous?) fundamental evangelical pastor/politician (pastilician?) and what he says.  Some of it is, quite frankly, shocking.  We all probably know what he said when Sept. 11 happened (gay people, feminists and pro-choicers caused this to happen), and other equally horrible things.  These words surprised people for a reason.  We may not approve or like a lifestyle, ideology or political choice but we cannot say things of this nature.  Feminists can and do feel swords plunging in their hearts. 

I don't want to hurt people with my words.  I don't want someone to remember what I've said to them twenty years down the world and feel their confidence slipping or the old pain being renewed.  I don't want their self-esteem to suffer, their defenses weakened.  I want to say good things, I want them to feel so amazing about themselves.  In Christianity, there's a strong emphasis on the power of healing, probably because that particular gift is so closely connected to Jesus.  We can't all have the same gifts though because we're not all the same person.  Healing is different, though.  Maybe we can't all cure a leper but we can heal that leper in our own way.  The other half of Proverbs 12:18 and 15:4 show us this: "...the tongue of the wise brings healing...[and] is a tree of life." 

What are your words?  Swords or a tree of life?

I have so much to do but I just don't want to do it.  At all.  I can't really help how I feel but I absolutely despise it. 

That being said, I'm really glad that I am on this break.  It's refreshed me like nothing has in a long time.  I'm relatively happy and have only been angry twice!!!  It's a new record!  Sooner or later I will learn to not get upset by so many things, by so many small things; people will like me much better then I think, not that people don't like me now but you know what I mean.  I was reading my friend's blog and I think that I think like her.  We should get together and talk, Ms. Strait, I think we would both enjoy it.  But then, we'll have lots of time to talk in the future won't we! 

I've been thinking that I'm growing up.  Not in the way that people think I'm growing up (getting older) but emotionally.  I can't really figure out why I think that, especially since a lot of the time, I find myself being childish, but there's something about me that changed.  I don't want to be involved with drama and arguments; I'm trying to defend myself but I still let people inside my bubble.  I don't know.  Maybe it's just me thinking that; what do you think, oh invisible people?  If there are people reading this, it's probably the people who have known me for a while.  Do you think I have grown up, even a tad bit?  Now that I've asked that question, I'm not sure I want to know the answer! :D

I think that I want to choreograph a dance.  Not just any dance, mind you, but one that blends in two of my favorite activities: dance and karate.  This is my thought process, k?  Tell me what you think (especially a certain Cambodian)... we will open up with a kind of slow song, maybe a classical piece with ballerinas doing their graceful thing.  Then, maybe 45sec. in, they'll go off-stage and on will come people doing karate (but a dance-y, more flow-y karate, think katas) with a good hip-hop song.  then we'll combine the songs, the ballerinas will come on stage and bam!!  choreographed (pretty) fight dance.  I don't know.  It looks cool in my head.  what do you think?    Anyway, dinner is calling my name!!!!

I feel like I'm holding on to something that is dying, something that does not want to be held onto. Something that is moving on already and just does not want to be with me. And it makes me so sad.