The World as I Know it

dude, that's totally me today. the end.

I haven't written in nearly a week which seems weird for me. I don't have a ton to say so i'm just gonna let this be a free-for-all, steam of conciousness thing, k? I think I'm going to be a loser this summer and not have a job. It's completely my fault and I realize this. I wish I had tried harder. my parents went for another loan. Some of it was for my books because I pay for them with the summer job I should have gotten. The stupid bank manager lady made me feel so awful about this. Telling me how her son had 2 jobs to get through school and how I should be paying for it. I know Lady, really I do. My parents can't afford to help me. I realize that it's my fault, my problem. I realize that I'm an unemployed loser. But did you have to be so mean, did you have to treat me that way and make me feel so small? Seriously, I was in that office for five minutes and I left because I knew I would break out with tears or say something very mean to her. As it is, I broke down in the truck. I wish I didn't have to rely on my parents this summer. I wish I could have been better. That just means I'll have to work super hard this up-coming year to make them proud of me and to pay them back. Cuz I will pay them back, and more. I'll start being an adult. I never want to feel that way again. Ever. On a brighter note, I went to Oswego last week. Apparently I just missed Kdee but that's okay, I'll see her sometime I'm sure. I went with Nic. It was nice. I saw things in Oswego that I had never seen before and I saw them with someone who is pretty awesome, although he failed at life a lot :). We were going to take a little dip in the lock but that turned out to be a nightmare. He went first then couldn't climb back up! I ended up helping him out by holding onto a fence and pulling him out. haha. Then we just didn't feel very good for a little of it. And it rained for a little of it. But it was still really good. Having trips is good. I just wish I had $$ to contribute to these trips. It would have been nice. I doubt I'll have many of those trips left anyway. Which is okay. I understand that I'm the only one without a life at the moment :). (I smile yet everyone knows that it is the truth.) To make my life a bit more productive and satisfying I'm going to volunteer and maybe do a bit of landscaping. Might make the little spot of land near my house a little sanctuary if my daddy allows it. I would do all the work myself. I'm kind of dreading that but also looking forward to it. If I just stay on it I know I can do it. Or at least most of it, might have to scale back a bit. talked to Bethy. I miss her lots. I wish I could see her more and hear her voice more and just laugh and joke like we used to. remember? Remember when life was easier Bethy and there were no boys or bills messing it up for us? Remember when the most we would have to worry about was the school newspaper, Shakespeare, and fifteen dollars or so to pay for a little diner food? That was fun. that was great actually. But i suppose it didn't feel so great at the time I'm sure. I suppose that ten years from now we'll all be like, "remember when we didn't have kids or a mortgage to worry about? Remember when we wanted to live somewhere because it was cheap and fun instead of having a good school district?" As weird and crazy as it sounds, I'm kind of looking forward to that. I'm not saying that I want kids at the moment, please do not think that because that is most certainly not the truth--I'm scared to death of that particular time. However, I don't know what I want to do with my life, where I want my future to go, or what I want my career to be. The one thing I do know however, is that I want a family. Like I want to be that woman who takes time out of her career to take care of her children, whenever that should happen. I'm sure about that ya know? Speaking of kids, I watched the latest episode of Jon & Kate + 8, and my goodness! Kelly, they are getting a divorce!! I speak directly to Kelly cuz I know she watches, or is at least interested, in the show. Isn't that so sad?!? I hope that doesn't happen to me, or to any of you! That's horrible. I feel so sad for their kids, ya know? To have that happen. I don't know. I wonder if it's easier to do it while they're younger though, ya know? I don't know. But anyway, on that dramatically happy note, i shall leave. love you!

p.s. Kat's graduating Kindergarten tomorrow and mimi will (hopefully) graduate highschool on Sunday!! Yay for them!!!!

i realize that my last post was melodramatic, okay, VERY melodramatic. I won't delete because that's not what i'm about, what this blog is about, but just know that my life is not as bad as i played it out today. i was just in a bad mood/area of the day so i'm awesomely okay. love you!!!!

Have you ever woken up at 8 in the morning and known something was wrong with you? Have you ever woken up at 8 in the morning and continued to have that feeling up til the present time? Now complicate your absolute wretchedness of being indescribably ill and add watching your little sister (because your parents won't get up with her) who is also sick and your cranky father who doesn't want to listen to Kat or get up. Now, imagine that your little sister has finally fallen back asleep at 11 in the morning, after watching 2 movies. Relief, right? Yeah, for a couple hours you are able to fall back into your bed and blankly--albeit, melodramatically--think that these are your last moments on Earth and you are thinking mean thoughts about your parents until finally you drift into a very choppy sleep. Then someone comes to your driveway at 1:30 and your two dogs start barking, because that's what dogs do, and your parents finally wake up because your little sister is calling for you. Now, not only are the dogs barking, your little sister crying for her mama now (who won't listen to her) but you also have your mother yelling that you're not awake yet, even though you were awake approximately five and a half hours before her, taking care of her daughter. When you answer that you are awake, she goes on to nag you about putting away your clothes before you can pronounce how awful you feel, hoping to receive a little mercy. But no, in your house, when you are ill, it is not like on television, where mothers will sit next to their sick child on her bed and give her chicken-noodle soup while stroking her hair. God forbid that should ever happen!! No, instead your mother nags you about your chores so loudly that she cannot hear your moans that you are being besieged by the devil himself and if you move you will be sick. But finally, for some reason or other, with one last departing "come watch the dogs (like they're going to have some raging party or something for the doberman next door) and take care of your clothes, you are in peace. For a little bit. Like two seconds. The phone rings, so you make the mistake of rushing to go get it, feeling nauseous by the second, and right when you get to the phone, they hang up. You realize it's your aunt, who will in all probability continue to call until someone answers, so you stay in the living room, wishing for the life of you that you had your comforting blankie and teddy. But no, she calls back and you tell her without opening your mouth too wide that your mother is not here, you don't know where she is, you don't know when she'll get back, and you don't know if they took the cell phone. You hang up and watch a little tv before your parents and sister come back. Kat says that they have a blueberry muffin for you. You haven't aten all day, it doesn't sound particularly appetizing, but it is a nice action. However, your mother informs her that in fact, there is nothing for me because she ate it, most likely after decimating her own. This brings a little bitterness on but nothing is said. Your parents go outside for whatever reason and you sit there in the quiet, thinking about how thirsty you are and realizing that you're probably dehydrated. Your mother calls for you to come outside and, as a show of daughterly affection, you stand on the porch, or rather sitting on the porch, and asks her what she wants. She says to go over there, and as you walk out "over there," you realize that there is a mound of dirt surrounded by 2x4s. You are looking at your mother's most recent attempt to create a garden and the bane of your existence since you are the one who mows the lawn. You mutter this to yourself but quietly come and lay heavily down on the grass, vaguely thinking about the snake that you saw near the same position the day before and wondering how many snails you just crushed by laying down. Your mother tells you to go and put seeds into her garden by which you reply with an absolute no. Your daddy comes to your rescue and tells her to plant her own garden, even though he and your little sister are helping her. You sit there quietly, not wanting to move in any way. Your mother asks you what's wrong like you haven't been repeating the now bittered sentiment of "I'm sick" for the last 6 hours but you still utter those two words, with a hint of the neglect you've been feeling all day with the last words of "thanks for noticing." Your mother decides that, even though you have been sick for a quarter of the day and continue on with your own little marathon from hell, that it is simply something you ate. Now remember, please, that you ate an egg and a waffle for dinner last night and that was basically it. Please also remember that you haven't eaten anything today, at all. Imagine that your mother, upon receiving this little tid-bit, asks your father, not to look at you and see if he can understand what's wrong with you, but if they might have started the garden too late. Not wanting to hear any more of the stupid freaking garden, you wander back inside and are quickly forced to move so your mother can have "her" chair and then again because you know that your father will want "his." You go back into your room after more volleys of taking care of your clothes and lay down on your bed until your other sister comes home. You finally assent to taking care of your clothes, because you are, of late, feeling a little better, however you are not feeling good by any definition of the phrase. You have just had the June 11, 2009 Heather Experience. Thanks for playing.

Yes, I'm from the country. I'm allowed to speak that way. You ain't so you can't. (that was a MIMS throwback, but I had to change it in order to make it work. Apparently, I can also speak rap; I'm just that cool.)

So I feel super special wonderful. I had three gorgeous people come and visit me so I could visit them! Shannan and Ryan came on Friday night/Saturday morning. Waaaay early and we went to Shannan's hometown. I only stayed til 1:30 Sunday Morning when they brought me home, but it was still sooo much fun. I love you people!!! We went to see windmills, and went put-putting. That was fun. I think I won though we ended up cheating after a little bit. The stupid thing was 18 holes!! And we didn't have that much time to play it!!!! Then Shannan, Ryan, Nicole (shannan's sister) and I made Shannan's family dinner. Shannan added hotdogs and chickpeas in the pasta sauce and surprisingly, it was pretty good! Good job guys!!! And of course Nic came last weekend, which was fun too!

Okay, so I have an issue, a gross issue. So if you have a queasy stomach and/or are eating peanut butter of any nature, click away, click away!!! Last month, I threw up. Some of you may remember me talking of the fact that it literally happened two minutes before my anthro final. It was an ice cream Snickers bar so it was kind of peanut-y. Today, I also threw up. It was a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich. I thought, last month, that it was because of my nerves. But now, I am not so sure. I think maybe I am not liking peanuts. But I love peanut butter!!! And I've ate peanut butter for the last two days!! What makes today so special? I think I have an idea, but that is one thing I will not share. I've been wondering as I write this, if this is something to blog about. But then, ya'll basically know my entire lives as is, why not keep the closeness going, huh? Anyway, I haven't been sick like that in a long time, last month being the exception. Weird, huh? And I know what you're thinking; no, I'm not pregnant. That is not possible at this moment in time.

Another gross issue, I think I have poison ivy on my toe!!! Yay!! It's weird that it's only on my toe, but it was also on my middle finger near my nail, which is weird as well. I have weird physical maladies. But I'll leave now, now that you know my entire life. :)

love forever,
heather

hey ya'll! listen, sorry about the last post. I was being emotastic until a little shannanbird reminded me that Satan is a very good, believable liar. But now I shall tell you amazing things about my life!!!!

I went to Nic's house this past weekend (or rather Thursday on til Monday). I met his parents and did the girlfriend thing. It was nice, ya know? Like just to be around someone who likes me for me and that I like him for him. It was wonderful. Ugh. I sound like one of those girls, don't I? The ones who are like, "*teehee* You'll never guess what me and my bf(wialf)--boyfriendwhoiabsolutelyloveforever--did last week? We went to the movies and we held hands and I love him forever *teehee*." Kill me now, okay. Just kill me. I don't want to be one of those girls.

Anyway, so I started running today. And please don't believe for one second that I will continue this because then you might jinx me and I'll never do it again. But it felt good. I'm most certainly not a strong runner but a little bit at a time, right?

I think I'm going to take out my nose ring. It keeps getting infected and is driving me crazy so I need to take it out. The only issue is that I'm mad afraid to do it by myself so I need to have someone else do it.

So I'm gonna go now and have amazing wonderful things or something. So love you all lots and lots!!!

heather

I despise that I'm so far away. I despise that I'm such an emo-little person that I feel neglected when people don't talk to me. I despise that I kind of need constant attention. I despise that I'm not enough for me. I despise that

I can't finish this. It's too depressing even for me.