Thursday, November 8, 2007
Okay, this might take a seriously long time to get down everything I want to say, so I'm sorry beforehand. This might also be extremely confusing--trust me, I know b/c it's confusing to me.
This past weekend, I went to the BASIC conference. For those of you who don't know what BASIC is, it's a Christian organization for college campuses, Brothers And Sisters In Christ. I never went to a single meeting before this past Tuesday b/c I have a class at that time, but I have been going to church. The conference was so much fun and very emotional but let me start in the beginning, on Friday.
That Thursday night/Friday morning, Shannan, Ryan and I had stayed up all night; we were up long enough to drive to Fulton to eat breakfast at a drive-in diner. So needless to say, we were all extremely tired. When Ryan and I saw how long the first service was on Friday, we were like, "this is not going to work." We figured that we just really couldn't do it, at all. We were too tired and the service was somewhere along the lines of 3 1/2 to 4 hours long, which is insane. We proceeded to sit away from our group, nearer to the back where we could sneak out or doze off and no one would notice us.
We really didn't expect it to affect us the way it had. I mean, I had always liked worship in church and, even though Isaiah 6 was there, it felt like the same to me. The sermon was fun; Pastor Pierre was funny and could relate to a bunch of college kids. But the prayer ministry thing was absolutely...well, emotional. Ryan and I both said "let's go up and get prayed for; try to heal our sins and whatever." We walked up to the front where over half I'd say of the people in the conference were and waited for a person (there were designated prayer people) to open up. I picked a random guy who I saw was open and said that I wanted to be closer to God. That I wanted a real, personal relationship with Him. Debbie, a woman from church and the advisor of BASIC saw me and took me. I started crying when I told her I what I wanted and how much I had searched for Him. She prayed that I would find what I needed, what I wanted and told me that for some people it was a gradual process; that even in the thirty years since she's been a true Christian that she's still working on that.
I didn't stop crying until around 11:30 that night. I went from being sad that I didn't have the relationship with God that everyone around me seemed to have to being angry with Him that he hadn't given me that relationship, that other people, it seemed like, had been born with that inside them and it never left. But afterward, I was so happy and hyper. It was like that all weekend; I would be crying one minute and smiling and laughing the next.
On Saturday, we (Ryan, Brian, Matt, Shannan, Michelle, Nick, Brent, and I) went to Ryan's house for lunch. Being around his family made me want to be around mine, especially my sisters. I don't get to talk to them that much, mostly because Kat's in bed when I call and Misty just doesn't seem to want to talk to me. That really hurt to tell the truth. I miss them so bad (it's actually gotten to the point that I miss Misty) and I just wanted to talk to them, to ask them how their days were. But they didn't want to talk to me.
Shannan told me something that day. God wants to hold my heart in his hands and protect it from all the little straight-pins of hurt that are lodged inside it now. Nothing will hurt me again and that the wounds from the pins will heal. I hope so b/c there are so many things that I'm in pain over and they're the stupidest things ever; I'm not even sure people realize that they're hurting me when they do it.
On Sunday, we came home, here to Oswego, and Ryan decided that he wanted to have a cleansing ceremony. He dumped out all his whiskey that he had and wrote prayers; prayers for himself, prayers for Mike, just prayers to help him stop drinking and to be a better Christian. Shannan, Matt, and I walked down to the Lake with him and he prayed for a while then threw the first bottle into the lake. He was hoping and praying that the waves wouldn't bring the bottle back, and they didn't. He then went to get the next bottle and did the same thing. He was so close to the edge and the waves were so bad that I thought he was going to get himself killed but then I remember thinking that God wouldn't allow that to happen. That that's just not the way He works.
Then on Tuesday, we went to the BASIC meeting even though I had sociology. Ryan was giving a testimony of what the weekend had meant to him and he wanted me to be there. I ended up giving a testimony of my own, though it was so not as impressive as Ryan's. It was kind of stupid now that I think about it. I basically said that b/c of the weekend, I was closer to where I wanted to be spiritually, which was absolutely true, but sort of lame. The only thing that was really awesome about my entire testimony was my welcome from the people there. I don't know half of those people but they were clapping and everything; I have to admit, it was pretty cool.
IDK about it all now, though. I mean, the weekend was great, but all it seemed to accomplish was getting more and more people to gain up on me about what I believe. Ryan is most definitely on Matt and Brian's side now on that aspect. Religion is a major thing in my life, whether he believes it or not and whenever he makes these little comments about me not accepting Christianity, it feels like he's pouring salt over the wound. He had an uber conversion and I didn't. I'm sorry but I can't make a split-second decision; I've never been able to. I know I don't have anything to lose but I don't want to be a hypocrite if I decide I don't want this and I don't want this to be false. I want this to be real, and I don't know if what I'm feeling is, or if it's just left-over conference emotions.
Academically, things are getting more and more difficult. I'm behind on my readings in everything. I have a paper due soon; I've skipped 2 soc classes. IDK what to do. And, Bridgette still isn't talking to me. I seriously doubt she even goes to church anymore because of this thing. Ryan and I are absolutely okay with her now; it's just her that's making it this way. Brian is driving me crazy all of a sudden. He's always so happy and expects me to be happy or to at least let him try to make me happy. And guess what Brian, I can't always be happy and you can't always make me happy! And, whenever he's not happy, he won't tell me why but I'm supposed to tell him why I'm unhappy all the time. I mean seriously, how fair is that. To make matters worse, Alicia, my room-mate, always has her boyfriend over in our room (he's here now as I write this) and it just makes me uncomfortable. I really do hate it.
Well, I honestly think that that is a long enough post for right now. TTUL
fiona