The World as I Know it

I'm here in Oswego. I have class in like forty minutes so I definately have time to write my little heart out.

Yesterday was not what I expected it to be. I mean, it was great seeing everyone, but it wasn't as amazing as it should have been. To start off, I am already, already completely overwhelmed with everything. What, I ask you, shall I do when I actually have to do stuff? Probably scream and yell and go into a panic attack which will in turn get me in trouble by Vinny. Does anyone else miss Dan as the boys' RA? I do. He let us get away with virtually anything, even screaming down the hall. :-) Oh well.

I don't know what to say anymore. I feel kind of nervous as if I were a freshman! I know what's expected of me and everything but it's insane! Now I know how Kelly says she feels sometimes.

Even though I just said that I was nervous and overwhelmed and the such, I feel oddly at peace. How weird! It can only be the Lord; he will take care of His flock and all their needs. He's a pretty awesome guy, God. Ya'll should really meet Him if you haven't.

Anyways, I'm gonna go now. Talk to you all later!!!


p.s. I love you!!!

I work with a lot of graduated seniors, so I've been thinking about the upcoming year and the one we left behind. As I look around my property, looking at the mountains, I know that I will miss this. I will miss not being able to see the Van Gogh painting that I seem to live in during the Fall. I adore my family for the most part, though I tend to make a hobby out of complaining about them in my spare time.

I will miss home but I am looking forward to the future, because I miss my other home. The one with all my OZ friends, the one with the crashing waves lulling me to sleep at night, the weird seagulls flying overhead. I miss the classes and the stress that I put myself under due to an immense amount of procrastination. I wish I could have the great conversations about God, our situations, our lives, other people that we used to have until five in the morning in the basement.

I miss the talks I have with Shannan about Ryan, God, everything, the talks with Ryan about Shannan, God, everything, the talks with Shonda and Kelly about Shannan and Ryan, God, everything. I miss Matt's back to me as he ignores everyone and plays on his computer. I miss Brian breathing annoyingly abnormally. I miss you!

The people I work with are scared but excited. I was like that once, more scared than excited, but similiar to the way they are now. I remember being homesick, being sick, being sad and depressed, being scared of failing pre-calculas and being mobbed by non-BASIC members and calling my mama, saying I wanted to come home so she could take care of me. But I also remember the amazingness of it all. And I miss it all.

Yay for good moods!!! :) So today is a Saturday, which means I didn't have to get up at 6-ish this morning! Yes!!! Haha. The day started out good! Then I learned that my new guitar sucks! Yay!!! Lol. It can't be re-stringed or tuned or anything because the neck will break! So I payed $60 for nothing! Hahahaha. But it's okay. I'm not really mad. I was a little sad, but I've decided to turn it into an art project. I will paint it and make it a goergous piece of art!

Oooh! So I got these amazing books, IDK if I wrote about them, but if not, I bought these amazing books! And I've been reading them, especially the one that is sort of like SparkNotes for the Bible. I haven't been cheating tho. I'm only reading SparkBible (I'm hilarious!) in the places that I've already read. Like the gospels. It's helping me fully understand some things, (it's kind of taking place of Sunday School!) and it A-MAZING! haha.

And I got this huge idea of what I would like to do with my life!!!!!! Sort of. I still have to think and pray about it but I will try to sound it out here. Okay. So the things that are on my plate right now are my majors and how they compare! Let's Play! In Door #1, there is.... an Adolescent Education major! Here is where one can help shape the youth of the nation into good, morally-upright individuals! In Door #2... Global and International Studies with a concentration in Culture, a wonderful place to help learn the tools of the Peace Corps and give the poor people of the world the things to have a good life! So, can you guess How Are They Similiar!?! Haha. Okay, I'll tell you. I believe God has given me a heart to help people who do not have the things they need in order to survive in today's society, whether it be water, housing or education. And, I KNOW I'm going to the peace corps. I know it; He gave me that idea two years ago with the help of a billboard (haha). Whether I stay there and continue to be part of it past my mandatory 2 years is up to Him and His plan. Afterward though, I really want to continue helping people. I want to maybe make a shelter or something for children and teenagers who need it. Kind of like a live in youth ministry to run-aways or orphans, children who need this. I would most likely have to go to a city and get a building and get in a huge amount of debt but I think it would be worth it! I really do! These children need help and love and attention and all these wonderful things that they don't have!!! So right now, that is an idea.

I guess I'll go now and think about my art projects. See ya'll! Love you the mostest!

Hey! I wrote this when I was upset so disreguard some of the more offensive stuff!! So here it is:

Hey! Wanna know something weird? Pushing me into deciding my future is not the way into growing in my faith! I am not like other people! I can't just go and choose something to be passionate about! I have to actually feel something for that thing!

I am tired of being molded into something I'm not. Let me tell you who I am. I am confused, iam scared, I am tired. Sometimes I can be mean, sometimes I can be nice. I hav e not been able to make decisions easily so please don't push me because I hate it. I hate feeling bad after those conversations. I just hate it.

I do feel bad that I don't know what I want to do. I really do. But I don't know.

I don't like how I look a lot of the time. Somethimes I fear that I made a mistake my simply jumping in in Christianity. I don't know if I'll be a good mom thgh I want a family. Ever since I was little, I dreamed of having a family and husband who loved and adord me but first I know that I have to love myself. But that's difficult when you grow up being raised in a critical family and a critical school. I have to remind myself I am created in HIs image so I must be beautiful but it's hard. I don't doubt Him, I doubt myself. Okay? I'm being very open here, and since I'm putting this o my blog, I feel like a deserve a break.

I have a lot to change. I am worried about the here and now. I mam worried about my likely-to-be-developed eating disorders and self image. I am worreid about trusting God and believeing that everything will be okay if I ust keep following Him. I cannot be wrroed about what I will be doing next year because if I do, I know I will be worreid about teh same things. So please, take my honesty as an olive branch, a truce signal and please back off. I love you all but I am dealing with more than simple family issues and trust issues that you all think I am. It is harder than you think.