Saturday, October 17, 2009
I feel like I have to cry. Not an "ohmgosh, someone just hurt me bad" kind of cry but the kind of cry that bursts through all the frustration and the stress and, sometimes, the anger. The kind that will just flood all and every negative emotion that I have been holding in for a while and make it all go away. I don't know. Things are going on within me that I can't fully explain. Things were said last night at our meeting that made me realize I held on to somethings--okay, it didn't make me realize them. It just made me acknowledge them. I need to get rid of those things because things aren't the way they were a month ago or a year ago or even five years ago. I just don't really know what to do to release that.
It feels weird to not have Nic around. He's at home cuz it's his sister's birthday today. It's crazy how someone can so quickly become an intrical part of your life and your routine, huh? To be absolutely honest, sometimes I feel a little bad. I put a lot of effort (most of the time) into my relationship with Nic, but at what cost? Sometimes I feel like it is taking away my time with Him. I am definitely not saying that it is Nic's fault. I am not trying hard enough. I am allowing myself to fall into this rut and not grabbing anything to pull myself back up. I open my bible only at church really. That's once a week, for those of you who can't tell time. Last night also brought that up in me. I felt convicted; apparently not enough though cuz I fell asleep without reading or praying. I'm not saying that I am falling away, just to clarify. I'm not. I'm just not pursuing. I want that to change though. With His help, maybe it will.
