The World as I Know it

I have many, many secrets. Some of which I can't tell anyone but here is one that haunts me...

I don't have a high self esteem. I know I don't and that's what makes it bad. I don't think I'm pretty, I don't think I'm small (like people say I am). In fact, because they think I'm small, it makes me feel even worse about eating. I feel like all that needs to happen is a little push and I will have an eating disorder; I already think about it. I already say to myself, you could lose like five pounds a week easily if you just don't eat this meal or if you just go throw up. My mother was right when she thought that the reason why I was exercising was to lose weight. It's the absolute truth. I want to be tiny and would do anything to get that way and that scares me. And then my family is very visual. They know if you have gained weight and are not nice about it. Last time I went home my dad said it looked like I gained weight, so did Beth. They don't know how much that hurt, how horrible I felt...

Life is hectic enough. I feel like eating is the one way I can control it. I feel bad every time I do eat. I watch what I eat and feel proud of myself if I go a day without eating more than 1 meal. That really does scare me... I don't know what to do about it.

This secret doesn't exactly haunt me so to speak but it does affect my everyday life. It takes me an hour every morning to get ready for class. Even when there is no classes, it takes me that long. I feel like I'm going to spin out of control, especially here, at school where the people don't really know me as well as the people back home do. If I do go out of control, who will catch me?

So, I've had my first drinks tonight... I'm not drunk or anything but Ryan and Mike are. Unbelievable drunk, you have no idea. It's pretty bad.

We were drinking whiskey. My first drinks were shots! I had like 2 1/2 so it wasn't that bad but Ryan and Mike basically drank the entire freaking bottle! Then we took off our clothes (down to our skivvies) and swam in the lake. That's freaking cold but I did it anyway. Then we went for a walk around the lake and Mike fell down and cut his forehead. It's still bleeding I think; I don't really know, he's in the shower or something.

So I tried to write yesterday and it was going to be this whole thing where I feel like I don't fit in anymore here; unfortunately I don't feel like that today. I'm in an awesome-ly good mood, you have no idea. I'll tell you why...

MY MORNING CLASS WAS CANCELED AND I GET TO GO HOME TODAY!!!!

How awesome is that, huh? I freaking love it. All I have to do this morning is get some reading done, get my stuff around to go home and clean a little bit (try to make it so I come back to a clean side of the room). It's going to f-ing rock! I love it already!!!!!!!

Is it weird to suddenly find yourself not thinking that you belong. I mean, I have friends (good friends) but sometimes I feel like they don't want to be around me or that I don't really want to be around them. Then there are the awkward situations I seem to love putting myself into. Okay, from the beginning.

Ryan, for some odd reason, is not talking to me. I haven't talked to him since last night when he was in a freaking awful mood and said that he wanted to move to Cayuga.

It's been a very long time I know but here I am, trying to summarize an entire month of new experiences. It's gonna be very difficult and quite possibly very long but I can't really help that.

So, first off, my room-mate. Her name is Alicia and she reminds me of the girls back at my high school, sort of like Mandy. Nice but not overly, ya know. We don't talk that much, which basically means almost none at all. Her boyfriend comes over a lot which is fine I guess. He stays here but he's nice and they don't do anything while I'm in the room at least, which is good. I feel comfortable in my room; it literally has become my home and it's happened so fast. It's not quite like home, I still worried about keeping my room clean (my side) and all that but I'm still comfortable enough in it to sleep in nothing but a t-shirt and panties. Alicia and I haven't had many problems, except that I tend to come in late because I stay up with my friends and she goes to bed early.

Now for my friends. I have so many more guy friends than I did back home, I'll start off with them first. My two best guy friends are Brian and Ryan. Brian actually lived here, this is his hometown. He's such a nice guy it's amazing. He has the stupidest taste in movies like Monty Python and the Holy Grail, which I watched with him. (Guess what? It's not as funny as everyone says it is.) He's also very religious (this guy's never been trick-or-treating for religious reasons) and he's kind of, well not pushing, but getting me in the direction that I want to be religiously. I'm actually going to church here, and I actually really like it! Ryan lived near Elmira but moved to Syracuse this summer. He's mean but in a funny way, kind of like Beth. He keeps calling me a whore, kind of like Beth. Basically, he is the male, Asian version of Beth. I absolutely love him but he's going through some hard times right now with addictions but Matt's helping him. Matt (or as we sometimes call him, starky) is Brian's room-mate. He's also religious and sometimes judgmental but you get the feeling that he's really trying to help people. He's a tech. ed. major. AJ is so annoying but funny. He keeps hitting my butt like there's no tomorrow. I swear, if he wasn't gay, I'd have slapped him like 400 times already! He also calls me 'whore' but now his favorite term is 'brazen little hussy.' To him, 'bitch' is a term of endearment. I love it. Nick is so cute and little. He's quiet and shy and such an amazing artist. I think Beth and him would get along well artistically at least. Then there's my girl friends who are pretty much insane as well. When I first met Bridgette I thought she was a sweet, innocent little girl. Now I know better. Instead, she has the dirtiest mind ever. But I love her for it. Then there's Traci, who I've talked about before. And Shonda, Traci's room-mate who's hilarious and quiet and studious all at the same time. Stephanie, though, is just one of those people who drive me insane. When she's happy, yay! She's extrememly happy, but when she's not I seriously do not want to be around her. She's so negative all of the time and it definitely brings me down.

For my classes, there all right. Some are extremely boring. Like Cultural Anthropology, which I fall asleep in all the time. Others are really cool, like my Latin American Civilizations class. My Honors classes are going pretty well. The only problem I have is going to bed early enough where I don't die in the morning and doing the reading. It's pretty much annoying!!! I hate doing the reading because they're always so long and so boring! But on to something fun...

Yeah, so I know I've changed a lot in the first month of college. I can already tell and sometimes I'm not sure it's for the best. I mean, I'm not doing drugs of sleeping around but, at times, I feel like a whore. I really, really do. I don't know what else to describe it as. I've only kissed 1 guy here (& in my life) but I get cuddly around others. And although I talked to Brian about it (he wasn't the only one I was doing it to but it felt worse b/c he has a girlfriend), I find myself going back to the old ways, before the talk. I don't know what to do about that. I don't want to give other people the impression that I really am a whore but I don't know what to do anymore. I'll have to think more about that. Anyway, Beth, this long drawn out thing was basically for you b/c I got your off-line messages. Here's your post.

So, is it bad to sort of be hating a friend right now because she's sooooo freakin' emotional? If so, then I'm a pretty horrible person.

So, I've been here for about 2 weeks and it's already starting. First the thing that's really bothering and then I'll get to some old and/or not so important things.

There's a guy here who's incredibly sweet and he's funny. Yesterday, he kissed me (my first kiss). Then, while he was walking me back to my dorm, he was walking ahead of me, talking on the phone, basically just ignoring me. Before we left, he didn't even look me in the eye. Today, he's here, in my hall, but he didn't talk to me, didn't say hi to me, didn't even acknowledge that I was in the freaking room. I don't get it. I don't know what to think anymore; it's incredibly awkward being around him but we have mutual friends and we're supposed to be friends, so I can't just not be around when he's around. No one knows what happened either; I didn't tell anyone because he was acting so weird on the way back here yesterday. Plus my other friend, Stephanie, likes him too. She's been so emotional lately and I don't want to hurt her. This is such a crappy situation and I definitly don't need it; I don't want it. If I could go back, I would have totally left with Dave and Stephanie when they did. I would not have stayed in the room alone with him. I don't know what I'm going to do. And, to top everything off, I'm being a hypocrite. Beth met a guy named Erik who she really likes and is dating and I told her to-I didn't tell her not to be with him, but I think I came pretty darn close because of the fact that she didn't know him that well. If your reading this Beth, I'm sorry.

Now for the not so important stuff (even though that is still bothering me). There's a guy here, named Dave, who is basically a sweet person way down deep. However, like Bridgette says, there's no filter between the brain and the mouth so he says whatever comes to mind. This is incredibly annoying and potentially hurtful to some people. Traci, a transfer, has anxiety attacks and Dave set one off. She was mad at him for about a day and a half which made the rest of us tenser than anything. She talked to him but it still seems weird to me a little. I don't know; she says she just wants to start anew but I don't think I can do that, I'm always going to remember that. Just like I'm always going to remember what happened with Rob. I may forget about for a couple days, but it's always going to come back when he says something stupid.

I guess that's just about it. I'm going to clean my room for a while, my room-mate isn't here. More on her later.