The World as I Know it

i don't know what's wrong with me this summer, i really don't. things aren't going as planned with my walk with God. i feel completely down about the whole Bound4Life thing. i am helpless in just about all aspects of my life. i am not having a good time with issues concerning myself and the way i see myself. i just basically suck profusely this summer. yay me!...

about the bound4life thing. i get what ryan says but it's not about starting an organization. it's about fighting abortion, and you're right, i'm not fully, 100% passionate about it. if anyone is, fine. take it. do what you want with it. just stay true to the stuff. i feel attacked everytime someone brings it up. I didn't ask to be in charge of this guys, okay? i took it on from Terran. i'm doing my best, but obviously that isn't enough for anyone, not ryan not andy (though he has yet to say so to my face) so i guess i'll just give it up. whatever. it's fine.

whatever, i'm done talking. i was gonna write more, but i'll just vent and that's not what i wanted to do.

So I went to work today (duh!) and continued having pretty amazing conversations. Paul and Emily, the people I am working with, and I talked yesterday about love, marriage, Spider Man's back-stabbing but hot friend, and what makes a butt a nice butt. Haha. Didn't really get many good answers on the last one, but it was stull a really interesting conversation. Today, we talked about being gay and how we feel about it being a sin and how the bible feels about it. We came to the conclusion that we don't know what we feel or how to talk about it to those who are gay. We have friends that are gay and friends that are straight and friends that are confused about their sexuality. It's nice talking about religious things again.

Eh, I don't really have a lot to talk about so I'll leave it there. Just wanted to say Hi. so... Hi!!!! haha.

So I was talking to Ryan after a long time of not talking with him and as it turns out, after looking forward to a good weekend with good friends (or some good friends, not excluding other good friends, lol), it is not going to happen. I am tired of beign alone all of the time and listening to others say how amazing their weekends are or will be or whatever when all I do is work, eat, and sleep. I hate it! Ryan was saying stuff about how he misses everyone and he's tired of not seeing everyone only sporadically. The entire time, I was just thinking, well at least you get to see people sporadically. I haven't seen anyone for a month and that was only a weekend and only Andy and Josh. I'm not trying to be stupid or anything, I am just tired of not talking to anyone and not knowing what is going on and being the last to know things and just tired of being like this!!! AHHH!!!!

But, in better news, I talked to Beth and instead of being on an amazing weekend with my friends from the OZ, I will be spending Sunday first at church and then in Olean with her getting strings for my new...guitar!!! And Ryan, it is not because you got one (I'm not that competitive, haha). I actually really started thinking about getting one and checking some out online a couple days before you got yours. I was gonna tell you this strange coincidence a couple times but never got the chance. Anyway, it's Beth's old acoustic guitar. I don't need a new one or anything. If I get good and know what I'm doing I'm probably buy a good one. I don't know. I'm just excited. Something to do and strive at!!! YAY!!!!

Um, yeah. That's all.

Hey! So I wrote Brian a message today on facebook today saying I'm sorry about the way I treated him and all. I really didn't treat him that well. You want an example? Okay, how about when I said I wanted him to stop breathing the way he does--not to his face of course. That's just mean, and he doesn't know about that. Anyway, I realized that a lot of what was bothering me about him as well as some other people at some point in time was the little stupid stuff that shouldn't have bothered me at all. So instead of harping on that crap, I've decided that I'm gonna go and "harp" on all the good stuff about the people I know.
Brian: he is always willing to help anyone and is a hard worker. He does tons of stuff and still does good at school. How does he do it??
Matt: school is really important to Matt. He studies a ton and does well at school too!
Kelly: she's such a sweet girl! i mean, she always says something nice and people can just open up to her and not worry about being judged!
Shonda: this girl is open to just about anything (i mean, she's brave enough to try me out as a roommate!)! although she's shy, once she's your friend, she will go crazy defending you but will still tell you what's up when it needs to be said.
Shannan: is pretty much awesome. It's easy to go to her and talk about stuff that ranges from guys to God. What more can I ask for?
Andy: insane. haha. But he can always make me laugh, which I love. But he can also be serious, which was a surprise when he first was and is also something i'm fond of.
Ryan: a guy who I think could be a girl sometimes, haha. He is very blunt and makes me cry a lot, but he also tells me when I'm wrong, which is important in the long run. However, he isn't (as) afraid to open up or to let me open up to him and I love that!!
Beth: i've known her for 7 years and she's been through a lot with me and i love her for it.
Now for the cruz of it all, my family...
My mama gave a lot up for me and she still does and she's pretty awesome a lot of the time.
Daddy is really supportive of just about whatever I do; I guess I'm Daddy's Little Girl.
Mimi is my sister and I think that some day, we're gonna be good friends (hopefully).
Kat is just cute, the end.

Haha. I hope you have enjoyed my wonderful exultations of all of your characteristics. See you next time on Name That Characteristic! haha.

There are thousands of things that I would like to talk about but there are many, many less words in my head to let you guys understand them, haha.

Ugh, I don't know what I'm doing with my life and I am frightened of that. Ryan and I started to have a "heart-to-heart" on the phone but it got interupted by my mama. Thanks Mom!! We were talking about my last post, which I realize is extremely dramatic and kind of horrible, so please don't let it get to you. I was having a moment, that's all. But it did get me thinking; I mean, in a Max Lucado book I was reading, it said to find your "divine spark" and do that because God wants us to do things that we love and that God gave us the gift to do. In order to do that, you're supposed to think back to a time in your childhood where you did something you absolutely enjoyed 100%. And that makes sooo much sense, it really does. Except for the whole thing about me not having any idea about what made me happy when I was a child. I don't know. Do I not have a life? Did I ever have a life? I have no idea! Ugh.

Anyway, work is going well. I'm actually having "fun" cleaning because of the people I work with. I swear, Emily and I laughed for 20 minutes because we decided to take a nap in the elevator during our lunch break. It was so funny! But I guess you would have to be there.

I haven't heard from Beth since like last Thursday or something. She's with her boyfriend, always and forever. I'm tired of it but what can I do? Absolutely nothing. I'm tired of being second-best to some guy she just met a couple months ago. It's like bros before... you get the picture... except in the sistas catagory (I couldn't think of a rhyme that goes for this). I mean, I've known her for like 7 years. Whatever.

Oh, Andy, I don't get to talk to you that much and when I do, I always forget to talk about Bound4Life so I'll do it here. I think you should be president. I know I said that this was my thing and blah blah blah but I can't make the decisions and you have done so much. This is definately your thing. I do want to be part of it, like treasurer or something, but president is a little much I think. I'll do whatever I can to help, but it's yours. Talk to me later about it (fyi, you have no idea how difficult it is for me to give this up, so if you mess up, you're dead. jk!! but seriously...lol. jenna kirkwood!).

Love and miss you guys til God lets go of the stars He holds in His hands

July 4th

I know I haven't written anything in a while but I need to. I'm feeling like I'm not, I don't know. Like I'm not truly a believer in Christ.

This can't be happening again. Christianity has given me so much hope and happiness. But I don't know anymore. People around me are so into everything, from BASIC to Bound4Life to Revivals and everything. I barely feel anything when I read my Bible at night. When I mess up I feel almost no guilt. What is wrong with me?

How can I be in BASIC, try to start Bound4Life in Oswego and help in teh revival and not be strong in my faith? I know I shouldn't compre but everyone is so strong and I'm not. I don't want this to happen agian. This can't be happening again!

I know this is Satan. I know that I am vulnerable right now and he is taking advatage of that but I can't help it. Lord help me. I don't want to not have you again. I want to be with you. If I don't have you, what do I have? Help me. Be my protector, my shield. Do all the things you say you do. I need you...

*Later*

After I wrote that, I decided to look for comfort in the Word. I turned to Psalms (my favorite book of all time) and found Psalm 91. It gave me so much encouragement so here it is:

Psalm 91
1. He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
3. Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.
4. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,
6. nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.
8. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.
9. If you make the Most High your dwelling-- even the Lord, who is my refuge--
10. then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.
11. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
12. they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14. "Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
16. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

Hi!!! Everyone's doing stuff and I'm not, lol. I'm working though, and that's a good thing. I am able to get out of the house and away from my parents/mother. But my job is boring so it gives me lots of times to think.

I'm getting old. Lol. Soon I'm going to be a senior and then I'm going to go get a job somewhere with my not-decided major. What is wrong with me? I don't know what I want to do with my life!! I've tried doing something that Max Lucado said to do in Cure for a Common Life and think about favorite times and favorite things to do but I can't think of any! Is my life that messed up where one thing doesn't stand out in my life that I really really enjoyed? Lord, I need your help in this particular--along with the rest of it-- part of my life.

I miss all my friends. I miss talking to people about messed up stuff and serious stuff and being able to just hang out and have fun. I miss going to New Cov and BASIC. I even miss classes!! I keep thinking about when I first went to Oswego. I was scared out of my mind; I mean, I didn't have any friends. I didn't know anyone there. Then I met Tracy and Dave and then Bridget and Ryan and Brian and Matt. And then Shonda and Shannan and Kelly and Andy. I miss them!!

I don't know. I don't know anything except that I am here for a reason, whatever reason that is.