The World as I Know it

I don't understand a lot of what is going on in my life at this moment in time. People aren't talking to me, aren't answering my texts, though that may just simply be my phone being retarded, but i am prone to thinking that that is not the case. Again, that could just by me. I don't know. If they are mad, I do not understand. I didn't go to the movie last night, sure. But it's not like I am not doing anything that other people haven't done. Somehow, there is something inside of me that just takes things that people say or do or turn them into something against me, about me. That's selfish and narccistic, I do realize that, but it is what I do. I don't know what is up with me today.

Ugh. I wish that i could write everything i wanted to here, but i just can't. i wish i could talk to people, but i can't.

I really shouldn't be writing this; i have so so so much to do it's not even funny. However, I felt the need to write and I'm going to to heed that need. :)

I am stressed. like woah stressed. I feel like I am handling it quite well but any more stuff piles onto my lap i might die of crying, because that's what I do when I get upset. I cry, a lot. But that's not really what I wanted to write about. I don't even really want to think about that. What I want to write about is something different. Something I don't really know yet so forgive my rambling thoughts. I'm just going to let my mind wander a bit.

I want to work for a Christian youth camp this summer. I'm deathly afraid that it's not going to happen. I'm afraid that Ed and Debby won't get the ministry reference in on time or that they will give me a bad reference. I just think that this will be good for me. It seriously will be an entire summer fully devoted to Jesus and trying to help kids grow up and stuff. I'm all about that yo! That reminded me of Lilo and Stitch; ya know that part where Nani is trying to get a job so she says she's all about concierging? Yeah, that's me. Except it's true. The wind is blowing outside and my window is open; I love it when the window is open. It's a breeze and sounds--nature at it's finest really. I'm warm and dry yet feel as if I'm out there too. Tonight might be the promotion test for karate. I'm really nervous. Partially because I'm afraid I'll mess up or can't do the physical aspect of it but also afraid that I will break the illusionment that I have put upon people in karate. Not just Nic. I have this thing where I have to be perfect; i don't want people to see my bad side or my downfalls. I must be perfect at what I do, which is awful and makes me feel bad when I'm not but it's just something I have to deal with, ya know? It's just one of my things. I'm looking at Simone's address. I'm a bad long-distance friend. I have so much to do and I procrastinate so much--even writing to amazing people like Simone. I miss her though. I miss hearing her voice. Today, someone called me and my phone was on the loud setting and I heard her voice-she's my ringtone. Is that weird? I really think it might be. I do miss her though. For the summer job, I have to take a cpr and first aid class. i wonder where I can go to take those? Probably the Y. I'll have to check. I have to do laundry so i'll see you guys later.
pce.

The reason why I am writing this and not telling you this over the phone is because I don't want to hear the disapproval and disappointment in your voices. I don't want to imagine the hurt you might feel and connect it to the words you would say to me. But the reason why I'm telling you at all is because I don't want to lie anymore. I don't want to continue a charade.

Remember over Christmas or something, mama, when you asked me if i was a virgin and i said yes? I lied to you. During fall semester I met a boy, Bongo man, who was simply horrible for me and although I saw it, I did nothing to stop it. He wasn't, isn't a nice boy and i regret to this second what I did. It was only once, but that's all it takes for a lifetime of not-so-wonderful memories. I wish I hadn't done anything. I wish I hadn't met him. But I did, and I did.

I have to deal with those consequences (which did not result in a pregnancy or anything mama) and I now have to explain to my future husband when I meet him that no, i can't really give you anything because I made the biggest mistake I could ever make. I hate it. I hate that I have to do that; that I could have made a different decision and not have to worry about that now. I hate that I now think of myself as a whore because that's how I feel. I hate it that one night made my relationship with everyone i know, including you guys become full of lies and deceit. And I hate how I can never take that back. Never.

I'm sorry I lied to you and didn't explain everything til now. I just don't want you to be disappointed in me. I'm supposed to be the "good one" (not to say mimi isn't), I'm supposed to be different from our cousins and everyone else. I'm supposed to make something of myself and not be stupid. And yet, I have done such stupid, stupid things. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.

On a slightly cheerier note, though. I'm seeing a guy named Nic who treats me much better than i deserve. He treats me like a princess and I don't think I've ever had that. He's from karate and he's a junior, not yet 21. He doesn't do drugs or drink. He's a history major. He's a super-nerd cuz he does D&D but he's funny and doesn't hate me for going to BASIC and church and he likes my friends. And mama, he's Italian. And catholic. And daddy, he can seriously talk at length about anything. And he's nice. And he doesn't care if, because of everything last semester, we go super super slow and that there will always be large out-of-bounds areas which we won't even go near. He's okay with that. I don't know how long he'll be good with my emotastic mood changes but thus far, he's doing okay. He seems, for some reason, to generally like me for me. I don't know why, but he does.

If you want to call and yell at me, I just ask you to wait, cuz I have a ton of stuff to do tonight and can't really deal with that right now. But if you just want to talk, then that's cool, i'll put off my homework. I'm sorry daddy. I'm sorry i can't be your little girl anymore. if i could take it back i would. in a heart beat.

Love you both,
heather

There are some things,
some horrible days,
where thoughts flood my brain.
Debris of emotions hit me with the force of the tide.

I just read an article from the New York Times, stating that Obama is going to reverse Bush's orders regarding stem cell research. It would seem, that the President is willing to kill in order to further science and "separate science and politics." Finding that out is making me tear up. My God, if he is willing to kill children so that people like Christopher Reeves, may he rest in peace, will be able to walk, what else will he do? Those people have had the chance to live. The embryos have not. Human beings are not like frogs that are raised to give high school students a chance to dissect them!

"Separating science from politics?" There are some parts in science that I would rather not venture into, if you don't mind. There are some sciences that shouldn't be ventured into. I don't care if you are pro-life or pro-choice. If we do this, what will make us stop at other things? What will make us stop at killing someone to find out how the brain works? I realize this is a slippery slope argument but the thing is still there. It is human nature to take more than what is given; the phrase, "give an inch, take a mile" didn't become a cliche for nothing.

I'm not a Bush fan or an Obama hater. I just think the first is right and the latter is dead wrong. And unfortunately, this decision effects a lot more lives than most of the ones he is going to make in the next year or so. Maybe he should just continue taxing us to death so that our economy, which i had nothing to do with, can survive again. He seems to be good at that.

I read in the Radical Reformation that there are two different kinds of sin, universal and particular. Universal are the ones that are the same for everyone (i.e. murder, adultery, etc), particular sins are those which are only a problem for certain individuals (like drinking or gambling). At the time, I had long since realized which universal sins I was constantly falling into (duh!), but didn't quite see my particular sin as clearly. Now I do.

"...they have not obeyed me or followed my law. Instead they have followed the stubborness of their hearts..." (Jer. 9:13b-14a) In teh margins of my bible, I had to write "that's me!" because it so it! I am so stubborn! God sends clear and distince messages to me to stop what I am doing. After I ask for signs to show that I'm wrong, He sends me one that someone in China could see it's so clear! And yet, I still go on and continue whatever I'm doing. This is not only blatently ignoring and turning away from God, but it is food to my sinful nature.

My stubborness, my inability to let go of my old way of life, my pride, my expectations, of my own strength, weakened me and made me susceptible to sin. It is hard to let go of something that is so ingrained within us, but it must be done. We all have this insane urge to survive, one that is so biologically embedded into our DNA that most people would kill others before letting thmselves die. Jesus fought this instinct and won. Because of Him, we all have hope for the future. I must look to Him for the strength, the courage and teh example, for He is those things embodied.
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"I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for mat to direct his steps. Correct me, O Lord, but only justice--not in your anger, lest you reduce me to nothing" (Jer. 10:23-24).

My life is not my own; I did not will myself into existence, so why do I continue to act as if I have? I do things that I wouldn't do to someone else's belongings. So why do I do this?

I am stubborn in more ways than one. I refuse to believe that this life is not my own, that the things I do are things that are for me. I guess perhaps my stubborness is a perverse, hidden form of narcism or egotism.

I will be the first to say that I am not the most self-loving person (which can sometimes be a good thing), so to realize that I have a hidden thing within myself frightens me.

But there is hope: the rest of the passage. "Correct me, O Lord..." And I believe I will be corrected, that He will correct me. He has pointed out what I am doing and that knowledge is the first step. He has shown me the way and I shall do my best to walk in that way (Jer. 7:23).

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I must say, that at first, I thought that this chapter (Jeremiah 11) was redundant for the most part. Then a thought came to me. If it is repeated, it must be important. So, here's what I got:

1) do NOT follow "the stubborness of [your] evil hearts" (v.8)
2)OBEY! (v. 4, 7)
3)LISTEN! (v. 8, 10)

The Lord will have his vengence. We are made to go with Him. He rejoices in it. But to go against Him is to go against our very nature, and that always has bad consequences. Do not be "like a gentle lamb led to teh slaughter" (v. 19). Be a warrior and flight! Obey and listen to your father, your Lord. You will not be forgotten.

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Pride is a hurtful thing. So much of our sin stems from our pride. We think we know best, we think we can do something the best; we think we are the best.

But the Lord dispises pride--as He should! Who are we tho think we're awesome?!? "Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind?...Have you ever given orders to teh morning, or shown the dawn its place...? (Job 38:37, 12).

In Jeremiah's time, there was a mad amount of pride in Jerusalem. They worshipped other gods because they thought they could make better ones. They stopped listening because they were obviously better...or so they thought.

But God is greater than us, greater than anyone. he is the great I Am. if that doesn't show how amazing He is, that He can simply state that He is, than nothing will.

We have no reason for pride. Compared to God, we are just about nothing. It is His grace and His mercy that allows us to continue being. We will never be as good as God, will will never reach the divine, so "come down from your thrones, for your glorious crowns will fall from your hands" (Jer. 13:18).

___AND FINALLY..._______

Without the Lord in our lives,we are not fulfilled. Jerusalem figured that out when a great drought struck the land. In truth, the drought was just a physical emulation of a spiritual drought which had begun long ago.

The culture, the lives of Jerusalem was disrupted because of a lack of God: "the ground is cracked because there is no rain in the land;" (Jer. 14:4). Our souls are no different. "...my soul thirsts for You; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water" (Ps. 63:1). So don't delay. Fill up your cup daily, for in a hot world such as this one, we constantly need to drink.