The World as I Know it

That's my color. Today I decided that the days of Casperina were going to come to an end. I decided that I was not going to white for at least three months, that I was going to be gorgeously golden. But instead of looking like a yummy loaf of bread that is tan and delicious, I look like strawberry cotton candy. I skipped over the hollywood starlette look and went straight to pink. Go me! >.< normal tan lines are okay). No. I was wearing a wife beater and shorts. I had a bra (of course) underneath the beater so I have extremely weird tan lines cuz i pulled up my shorts a little and my shirt a little and laid just over a hill where people couldn't see me. So my lines aren't even in the right places. And I'm pink--on one side.

So i've decided that from now on, white is fine. White is good. My body rejects all colors except white and pink. And that does NOT look good. So Casperina is going to live on but ya know what, I'm okay with that. With any luck, I'll have amazing skin when I'm old and you all will look fourty years older than you actually are.

Speaking of age and looking it, when I was going to get applications the other day, people asked me what my age was, assuming that I was too young to work at those specific places. When I asked my dad if I looked too young, he said "you look like you're about fourteen." Fourteen!! In case people haven't noticed, I think I am more *ahem* developed than a fourteen year old. My short hair is supposed to make me look older. Grr! What can I do for you people to believe me when I say that I have lived 2 decades?? What?!? Please tell me and then I will gladly go and do it!! Suggestions are welcome!! (I'm serious, help me out here. I don't want to look like I just hit puberty. That is not generally considered the best age to be.)

all the love,
heather

Hey all! Wow, something weird just happened with my Blogger. That's okay though, I love you anyway Blogger! Anywho, I know I've been writing mad amounts of stuff, right? But I like to catch up all my oh-so-devoted fans on my life so here it goes guys!

I'm at home (duh!) but I'm driving now (with my parents, but whatevs, it's a small taste of freedom). I'm doing good at it, just so you all know. I expect to out-drive every single one of you on any surface, any type of weather, anywhere, anytime (but only if you let me win :). Haha, I never know if I should put another parenthesis after my smiley face that's at the end of my parenthetical clause. I say no. I say it works that way; plus it would look really, really weird if I put another one on. It'd look like my smiley had a double chin!

So I gave Nic this address last night, so if you ever read it again, welcome! This is my life, my "world as I know it." It's boring, I realize, but it's what I have to offer.

I have some applications that I need to fill out. Nothing cool or amazing like sky-diving instructor--not that I'm actually qualified for that, unless they want to go squish! on the ground, but I don't think that's a viable option at this point--but it might be a job after all! I'm hopeful. Well, that's all I guess. Gonna go back to watching iCarly and on facebook. Peace out girl scouts!!

love heather

Hey! In case you haven't noticed, i changed my template, which seems to be an epidemic. I don't know what's wrong with my "about" or my "archives" or even my "search bar" but I love it a lot!!!! Anyway, I love you all, I just wanted to say hi!!! So hi!!!

I'll write more later.

love,
heather

A friend once told me that way back when, people used to think that stars were the light of heaven shining through from tiny pin pricks. He then went on to tell me what they really are but I still like the imagery of that. The stars are little, tiny holes into heaven.

And think about it, in the darkest of darkest nights, in the darkest, blackest places, we see those stars more clearly, they are more noticable. They are the one thing that people see and it gives them hope.

So let's remember that this summer, okay guys? Let's remember that even in the darkest of times, there are little bits of heaven that shine through.

(this was originally written for the blog, Light, but I wanted more people to see it so I put it here cuz I know people don't often check Light)
<3 heather

I'm home; and alone. It's okay right now. Before it was bad. The day I came home I sort of hated it because I was so alone. Same thing for my birthday. My parents were fighting with my sister and I hated it. My dad didn't even remember until I started singing happy birthday to myself to drown out my mom and Mimi. I asked them if my birthday present could be for there to be no fighting in the house. That lasted approximately one minute, no exaggeration. I guess it doesn't matter though. My birthday was never a big thing. Now the only birthdays that my mama ever really does anything for is her own and katarina's. I guess it doesn't matter.

And then there's the fact that all of my closest friends, basically all of my friends, live in a different part of the state. Like seriously, they are spread out. Most are in the Oswego area but Beth is in Palmyra and Nic is near Schenectedy...Albany. I can't spell that word. Seriously, it sucks that I have to spend three months without my best friends. But I'm going to deal with it because most of them, with the huge and noticable exception of miss bethany mack, are going to visit me. Because I love them all and they all love me. Wonder what that says about that girl in mormon country. hmmm. Jk! Love you Beth!! Ugh. But I'm going to try harder this summer I think to catch up to my high school classmates. I'm not saying that it is going to work or even to happen, but I'm thinking of trying it.

But right now I'm not worried about that. Things are okay right now because I'm just catching up on my reading. I've read all of the twilight series. Finished today--I started on like the 12th or something and I did a lot of the reading in three days or so. Now I'm going to read the Terri Pratchett & Neil Gaiman (?) novel that I bought along with the book that Shannan got me for my birthday. It's going to be good for a while I'm sure.

Love and miss you all,
Heather

Yet again, I should not be writing. I'm such a horrible student guys!!!! I hardly did anything yesterday so now I have to study for my midterm, which I am not, and research for/write a 9 page paper on Lolita and decadence and literary critical theory. I'm stressed out beyond belief and then there's everything that's happening in BASIC--you know, the insane amount of drama that is constantly surrounding us. It has something to do with me but I couldn't not say anything ya know? People say that we're fake so I do something that's completely honest albeit hurtful and in bad timing, and boom! it's a catastrophe that people who are not involved in it feel the intense need to be. I hate it!!!!!!!!! I'm so tired of almost every part of my life. I'm so tired period. The rapture would be nice right now. Then I could sleep and be merry. [After]Life would then be good.

I've come to a conclusion. I'm not really set up for relationships. I'm not saying that I don't want to be in a relationship or that I'm not glad for the relationships (from Nic to Shannan to my parents) that I have, but they seem weird to me.

In a relationship, one literally gives up themselves, puts themselves out there, almost asks to be hurt and taken for granted. This should go against everything that our human nature tells us. We don't want people to be able to hurt us yet we give them that power over us. You hold your heart out to a person, asking them, begging them not to drop it or else it will shatter into a million pieces, so many pieces that there are not enough stars to compare it to. And sometimes, that heart can't be put back together. Sometimes, there's not enough band-aids to go around. Sometimes, a piece gets lost and so you will never be the same again. Why do we do this to ourselves? I hate the idea that that is what we have to do in order to have happiness in our lives. We have to give up our independence and our ability to keep ourselves safe so that we can have some weird, sado-masochistic sense of joy that can flitter away at any moment for any reason whatsoever.

I'm not very good at that; I'm not very good at communicating and giving in. I'm not very good at opening the door for people to come into my life and my heart. I'm not very good at doing the relationship thing in general. It's sad and I'm trying to change it. It goes so slow though. It goes so slow that I don't know how long people will wait for me to unlock the door and allow them a little glimpse of my life, my feelings, my dreams, me.

It is effectively 2:40 in the morning. I find myself in the 24 hour room, slowly dying in all ways possible. That is a lie. It is not like that. I am not dying. I am just tired and achy. Because life sucks for a college student. For a college student who procrastinates like woah. For a college student who procrastinates like woah even though Finals Week starts Monday. Yeah. Welcome to my personal hell.

Anyway, I just thought I would write a little to keep people in the loop that is my life. I just realized that I gained a follower--Welcome whoever you are!! (That sounds cultish. Don't worry, I only sacrifice followers who go against my teachings. ;-) On to my life!!

Like I said, it's super busy around here. People are freaking out, as is the norm around this time of year. Some of my friends are graduating and moving away, some are metaphorically moving away from me. That happens though, I suppose. People come into the forefront of your life, others move more toward the background. It makes me super sad though. I cry about it a lot and I wish it wouldn't happen but I am not the ultimate Decider in what happens in my life, ya know? In all that happens, I trust in Him--or at least try.

This semester was so much better than last, even with the falling backness that is happening and the procrastination that always happens. I have gotten closer to a lot more people, Kdee and Kelly, and of course Nic being the main ones (or at least the only ones I can think of right now). I didn't cry as much as I did last semester and God is really putting some band-aids on my heart; he's using people to make me realize some things about myself, things that are helping me. Plus, I got an orange belt!!!! Yeah, I'm awesome, you know it, yeah! sorry, i had to, ya know? It was there and when something is there, I must take it. Sort of like Kdee and cars.

Next semester is going to be tough though, I can just feel it. I'm taking 7 classes (that's 19 credit hours for those people who don't understand how much work that actually is), I now have a job where I'm working 15 hours a week, I have to start thinking and planning out my honors thesis (good luck with that self), I have karate (orange!), BASIC, possibly BASIC leadership, and WNYO (I really like having a radio show, so I want to continue doing it) not to mention my relationships that I would like to continue with, ya know, being a human being with the basic human need of being around people. That's a lot to do. But I can totally get through it. I'm strong like that. Well, He's strong like that. And I have some good people around me who got my back. It's good to have that support group. And (somewhat surprisingly,) my family is part of that support group. I like that.

Haha, really fast, I got Nic sick. I think it's funny. I'm sure he doesn't. But I think so. I'm not even that sick really. Or don't feel it yet. Who knows? I might die from Swine Flu later.