The World as I Know it

Dear you,
You have been my one of my best friends here for a year and a half. We have gone through many things together. Too many to count. And yet, this semester, we probably haven't been on speaking terms for half of it. I hate that.

I realize that you're hurt and that you have your own issues to deal with but you said that i could come to you, that you wanted us to be back to the way it was before. I reached out to you! I asked to come to that meeting for a reason. I needed to know that I could come to you, that you would be there for me and that you would forgive me for messing up our friendship so bad. And you gave me such a hard time about it. You said that you weren't going to come if I didn't tell you what it was about. Why does it matter? I wanted you in my life again. I wanted you to be one of the first people I call when I'm upset. I wanted you there. That hurt so bad but not as much as you walking out. I got a lot out of that night and wish you could have been a part of it, but you weren't. I don't know why, but you didn't feel like it. I wanted you to be there so badly, more than anyone else really. And it hurts to know that I mean so little to you that you couldn't stay for me. I don't know what I wanted from that meeting. Accountibility, friendship, simply knowing that I could go to other people because I miss them; I miss you.

I need you in my life (as weird as that sounds). Because I can't do this by myself; I've tried. It doesn't work. I miss him, I won't lie to you. I do. I wish I didn't, but I do. And I know that for the most part, this is between God and I, but I need to know that you will be there too.

I'm going home on Wednesday and I don't want to not talk to you for an entire month. It's too hard. It hurts too much.

I've recently realized how stupid I am. Please dispose of all the nonsense that I have put in your head. It's done. It's over. I cannot believe what I did and what I almost lost. Makes me cry and laugh at the same time. Gosh I'm stupid...

****honest, honest post*****

I don't know if any of you have ever felt this way--the way you're acting, I would say no. I don't know if you have ever been annoyed when someone mentioned God, if you didn't want to go somewhere because you knew there'd be God talk, if you just wanted to get a bunch of new friends because then you wouldn't have to deal with it. If you ever felt like if you never talked about God, that might be alright.

I also don't know if, when you feel like this, if you feel guilty. If you feel annoyed at yourself. If you feel bad. If, when you actually allow yourself to think about it, you know that it wouldn't be alright. It's not alright now, so why would it be alright then? If you knew you would miss your friends. If you knew that you would miss Him, even if you only think this maybe fourty percent of the time.

I don't know if you can remember the first time you truly felt God's love; I can't. I don't know if you feel like maybe you've become a better person because of having Jesus in your life; I don't have an answer for that one. I don't know if you feel like you lost the very thing that made you part of the group you are in now so in a sense, you lost the group; I do.

I don't know if you've ever felt like it just wasn't worth it. If He wasn't (though even as I type this I know He is), if simply living wasn't. If you've ever wondered how many pills it would take to get rid of the hurt that isn't physical and isn't emotional, but purely spiritual. If you've ever wondered what could fill the hole that is in your life...guys? drinking? drugs? If you ever thought, "well, I tried the God route, and it's obviously not working, so why bother?" or "i've already failed. who cares if i do this thing?"

You are probably thinking this, with something coming right after it that tries to make it sound better, but I'm going to be honest. More honest than I have been in a long time. I'm falling. I tried coming back but it's so hard. The path back is up-hill in a torrential rain storm that is constantly making you slide further and further down until it doesn't matter anymore. Until you are so tired, until you can barely see anything else, until you just don't have any fight left inside. I think I have given up. I think that I am at that point. I'm at that point that I don't see anyway out, so... I'm just giving in now. You all have been thinking this; I'm just vocalizing it.

There's no one in my room. Just me. It full of stuff that I hold dear, of things I would rather get rid of, of things that are essential to my survival as a nineteen year old, and things that I hold onto just because. But there's no other living thing in it besides my cacti; they don't really count.

I'm surrounded by people every day. I'm in classes which have anywhere from twenty to one hundred other people in it. I hear conversations going on around me; I see the emotions in their words, in the tone. I hear the the tears in my own, even if no one else does. I touch the fear and the sadness, even if no one does. I smell the pain and the hurt, even if no one does.

And no one does, do they? I go through the day with a smile on my face for the most part. I am happy and bright and cheerful. Does anyone realize what a mask this is? Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I figure it out walking to class, talking to someone, in the middle of dinner.

Tears are streaming down my face and I can't stop them. I don't want to stop them. I don't care if it is temporary; I want to stay in bed and let the world go on without me. It does anyway. Why go out and worry about what people are thinking, what they are saying, what they are seeing?

I was happy this weekend. I wasn't good this weekend, but I was happy. Meals didn't make my heart hurt. I didn't have so much emotions internally that they had to become external. No, I take that back.

I have them. And sometimes, I have him. And even less frequently it seems, I have Him. But I don't truly have them it feels like. I cannot talk to them. It will hurt when they leave, but I can't talk to them. Having Him is such a sporadic event now. When I do have Him, I think about the things I have done. I think about how I'm simply not worth it. It's the same for him. Except I will never truly have him. he likes her. no, he loves her. i am not worth the commitment. she is. i'm not. except my mind, being as it is, cannot understand that. to my mind, it doesn't matter. for those minutes, those hours, i do have him. it's making me lose Him more though, as well as making me lose him for other reasons. and them. and me. but i don't know who that is anymore, so i guess that that doesn't matter that much.

i'm sorry if this is emo-tastic. i guess i just feel that way tonight. i'll be over it soon. i always am. it's just a crappy time. i'll be done with this and happy again.

I think I'm done. I'm done feeling this way, I'm done fighting things off. I'm done fighting by myself. I'm done feeling like I'm not good enough for Him or for any of you. I am simply done. Some of you may think this is a cry for attention but you are wrong. I just don't want to care so much anymore. I just don't want to feel anything anymore. Please don't expect much more out of me. I know you all have your own things to deal with so focus on them; there's nothing to focus on here. I'm done.

So I've began to write down my feelings about what I read in the Bible. I feel like some of the things are really encouraging and are simply what I am going through at the moment in my spiritual life. It's good to share so that's what I'm doing.

November 13, 2008
Evening Meditation
Isaiah 1

Since I messed up--again--today, some of this chapter really spoke out to me. "THough your sins are like scalet, they shall be as white as snow" (Is. 1:18) and "I will thoroughly purge away your dross and remove all your impurities (Is. 1:25). I have a lot of impurities; God has a lot of work to to in me. I do not want him to have to bleed my sins away anymore. I know I've said hat hundreds of times before, but it's true. I just want to be able to have some self-control. That is a fruit of the spirit I am desperate need of (Gal. 5:22). In order to do that, I must abide in You and Your Word- "no branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me" (John 15:4).
I must remain in You if I want self-control & not require my sins to be wiped away everday, to not have to be taken away. I need to "stop doing wrong, learn to do right!" (Is. 1:16c-17a). And in order to do that, I must rely on You.

November 14, 2008
Evening Meditations
Isaiah 2

The verse that really stuck out to me tonight was verse 22--"stop trusting in man who has but a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he?"
I often rely on my own or others' strength. I don't really ask God to take everything and make me new. I mean, I do, but I don't hand myself over to Him and I need to.
I know that God is just waiting to make me in His likeness. Not just physically but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as well. I have to hand myself over to HIm, to trust the one who created me.
I cannot go on with my own strength. I cannot continue taking advice from friends and family. I must lean on my Holy Father. He will help get me through it all.

November 15, 2008
Morning Meditations
Isaiah 41:10

"fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
This verse, especially the "I am with you;" will most likely get me through this day unless something changes. I fell like I am forgotten by the people I care most about, that, since some anger is directed at me, I am nothing. And that is not true. "We love because He loved us first" (1 John 4:19).
The most Holy Being, my Father loved me. He knows the wrongs I do, yet His love continues. I may be hurt, I may feel as low as low can be, but He is with me, He will strengthen me, He will hold my hand and help me to safety. He loves me.

So much has happened since the last time I wrote. I went to the BASIC conference and had an amazing time there. Came back, talked to Bongo Man who decided we weren't meant to be friends and that I make him say awful things (things have since changed, for good or for bad). I messed up--again--and people are angry--again. But I wrote a song! It is done I think. Let me share it with you:

Though the wind is strong,
And the thunder rumbles;
and though I fall,
and though I stumble

Lord, You are there
to catch my fall;
Your outstretched arm,
You are all in all

chorus
So keep me Lord,
in Your embrace.
Your love is so dear,
it cannot be replaced.
And I will love* you
through the good and the bad.
Yes I will love* you
You are all i have

You are so perfect
You are astounding.
Evey single moment,
Lord Your love confounds me.

You are the same,
and always forgives.
I am Yours;
for You I live.

chorus
So keep me Lord
in Your embrace.
Your love is so dear,
it cannot be replaced.
And I will love* you
through the good and the bad.
yes i will love You
You are all i have.

I also have chords to this song, thanks to Ryan. I hope you all like it; writing it helped me.