The World as I Know it

Mmmmm... I thought that it was going to be a good vacation, one that is full of non-stressful enjoyment, family fun and love amazingness. And it started to be, it really did. I don't feel that way right now though. I really don't.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. My sister and I used to be friends, when we were really little. We used to talk and tell each other lots and lots of stuff. When did that change? When did hardly knowing anything about each other become the norm? I don't understand. I want to change that but I don't know how. I don't know why she doesn't like me so much; I don't get it. I don't know if I want to get it because I'm tired of trying. She can talk to everyone but her family, everyone. It's not like I'm going to hate her when I find out what she's doing. I know some of it anyway for goodness sake. I just want to hear it from her. I want us to be sisters again, instead of two people who sometimes live in the same house together cuz that's what it's starting to feel like.

I often wonder why people can't see him through my eyes. Do they want to? Or is it just foggy for them? What can I do to clear that fog? Nothing, he has to do it for them.

I feel like I have to cry. Not an "ohmgosh, someone just hurt me bad" kind of cry but the kind of cry that bursts through all the frustration and the stress and, sometimes, the anger. The kind that will just flood all and every negative emotion that I have been holding in for a while and make it all go away. I don't know. Things are going on within me that I can't fully explain. Things were said last night at our meeting that made me realize I held on to somethings--okay, it didn't make me realize them. It just made me acknowledge them. I need to get rid of those things because things aren't the way they were a month ago or a year ago or even five years ago. I just don't really know what to do to release that.

It feels weird to not have Nic around. He's at home cuz it's his sister's birthday today. It's crazy how someone can so quickly become an intrical part of your life and your routine, huh? To be absolutely honest, sometimes I feel a little bad. I put a lot of effort (most of the time) into my relationship with Nic, but at what cost? Sometimes I feel like it is taking away my time with Him. I am definitely not saying that it is Nic's fault. I am not trying hard enough. I am allowing myself to fall into this rut and not grabbing anything to pull myself back up. I open my bible only at church really. That's once a week, for those of you who can't tell time. Last night also brought that up in me. I felt convicted; apparently not enough though cuz I fell asleep without reading or praying. I'm not saying that I am falling away, just to clarify. I'm not. I'm just not pursuing. I want that to change though. With His help, maybe it will.

I really should be working right now; it's a little early in the semester to be procrastinating, but I've already started so why stop right?? You can't procrastinate procrastination; it just sort of calls out to you saying, come! it's fun!! And so of course, I do what it says.

I know that this semester is not easy at all. I'm working a lot, taking a lot of credits, and slowly, ever so slowly killing myself. But ya know what? I'm okay with that. Things in my personal life aren't perfect but they're good ya know? I have momentary lapses into doubts and horrible insecurities but I have good friends and a good boyfriend. They are there for me when I need them so I have nothing to complain about. The hard work will go away gradually. Thanksgiving will be here soon and I'll be able to sleep in for a week at a time and then it'll be Christmas where I'm thinking about taking a few courses but it won't be nearly as bad because I'll still be able to have like 2 weeks with my family. And until then, I'll continue to do what I'm doing now. Working hard with a few sweet moments in between shifts and classes.

Everyone's just feeling really blah right now, ya know? Things are happening on the DL which are toying with a few people's emotions and other things are out in the open but noone talks about them for fear of hurting someones' emotions. I just had a thought, not to sound mean, but I sort of think that these things (whatever things, I'm not totally sure what I'm talking about) should be spoken aloud. I don't know.

A lot of relationship talk. It struck me the other day that I am the only one of my close friends who is in a relationship; it was weird because that NEVER happens. I'm not bragging (I know this sort of thing is a touchy sunject for lots of people), it's just something I noticed. For those who care, Nic and I are progressing along nicely. I see this going far if all is good and I don't get too afraid of commitment. That's an in and out sort of mood for me. Sometimes I don't mind thinking ahead; other times it turns my stomach. It's a good thing I have a boyfriend who is so patient, huh??

Speaking of patience, it's a good thing I have friends who are so patient too! I've been crabby and stuff lately and I've apologized to the people I think who have gotten the brunt of it all but I want to say it again: I'm sorry. I'm stretched so thin, ya know? It's like if I hang out with one person, then other people feel ignored. If I hang out with anyone, then school work goes undone. And then there's work which eats a HUGE chunk of my time and makes it difficult to do even the simplest of things with people. So annoying. But it's not like I can do anything about it. It's not really for me that I'm working for, it's for my family. They need the money more than I do. I have to help them; they've been helping me for 20 years. Who am I to say no now?

But yeah. Life is hard for everyone right now. This semester, I don't know what it is but this semester seems to be one of the most challenging years. I've had worse ones when it comes to emotions and stuff, but this is definitely not an easy one. But then again, it might also be one of the most rewarding. We just have to work through it and keep going. Life isn't supposed to be easy I guess. And it is most certainly not. It's a test; a very hard and long test of endurance.

I just feel like writing, ya know? I really want to journal and I will, but I will put some of the less personal things up here cuz I miss you my wonderful blogging buddy!!

This weekend was good. Really good I feel. Things have been bad every weekend and finally, finally, this one is good. I thank God for that; I really do. I still have a ton to do cuz I neglected it all week but I can do it; I know I can. But yeah, so people have been acting differently this semester, I've noticed. We're all dealing with a lot of different things and with people gone, it's changed our group dynamic and people are re-adjusting, people are coming in and out. We all seem to be super busy and things seem to upset us easily, perhaps partially because of exhaustian? I don't know. I wish it wasn't like that, but I understand. I've had some bad moments, months, in the past too so I get it. But hey, to whoever, if you feel like crying and/or talking or whatever, I have a nice shoulder. It's a little small, and can't offer you a ton of advice, but it will listen. Cuz sometimes I need someone there too, ya know? Everyone has to lean on someone. God made us into social creatures; we need people to be there for us and with us. We need to feel needed and loved and cared for. Ya know?

Anyways, short post I know, but I've got some mroe things that I'm gonna journal and then I have a ton of other things to do so peace out girl scouts!!!!
<3

I'm back in the OZ and thus far, it's been one of the worst starts ever. I'm working so much and I have so many things I have to do. I'm so stressed out and overwhelmed, it's just all so exhausting. And the few hours I have to spend time with people, they're out doing something else with other people that they know that I can't go to, even though I said before that I wanted to. I don't have that much time to spend with people so when we have plans to do something, and they cancel at the last minute, what am I supposed to do? When they just leave me behind or something? I'm alone and I absolutely hate it. There are thousands of people around me every day. But I only talk to one of them every day. How am I supposed to maintain friendships if I never see them? I know that some of it is my fault. But they can go to wherever they want together when I'm working. I know that's selfish and everything. I know that this is whiny and complain-y, but how else am I supposed to let this out? There's noone around.