The World as I Know it

So, it's been a freaking month and I haven't told you guys anything; this is bad because most of the people who read this I don't see very often. So here it goes:

I'm home (yay!) and although I wasn't really feeling it before I left, I'm happy now that I'm here. I mean, college is sooo stressful that it's cool just to hang out and sleep until 2 in the afternoon and not have to do anything, ya know? The only bad thing about staying at home is that I don't go back until the twenty-third (misty's birthday) and I can't see anyone til then. It kind of sucks but what am I supposed to do? I might be going to Rochester to visit Matt, Ryan, Shannan, and Tom but I probably won't; Daddy works during that time so there's really nothing I can do. It sucks but what can I do? I think I'm gonna get my hair cut and dyed with the money that I'm saving from not going to Rochester. I might even get my permit which is gonna rock! IDK. It doesn't really matter what I do b/c I'm still gonna be here for another month. Yeah, so that's about it. Bye!

Long title but oh well. As it states, though, my blog, which is more like a diary I allowed a select few to read (i.e. Beth, Ryan, and Shannan) is not so exclusive anymore because one of those select few, not saying any names but it starts with a B and ends in an ETH, told someone else (like Fiona) who told her mom who told Alex who's best friends with Misty who read it aloud to my mother!! How freaking wonderful is that?!? Thanks guys! Love you all too! So now my feelings that I must censor everything has tripled. So... guess you're just gong to have to try to figure out what I'm talking about by yourselves. P.S. not really gonna write anything important on here because my mother said one more thing that's bad and she's gonna take me home. Yet again, thanks guys!!

So, I have a friend who is getting into some really bad things. I never in a million years thought they would do the things that they are doing but here they are, doing them anyway. And I told them a million times that this is wrong, that whatever you're doing you need to stop but did they listen? No, of course not. Why listen to Heather, she only knows you. But this person is drinking and making "friends" with the worst people possible. And the worst part is, is that where before I felt close to this person, I feel like they're a completely different person. I don't think I changed that much but, IDK. I really don't know. I feel like when I'm around this person, that I just want to blow up at them and tell them all the things I feel but I just can't. They're messing up their lives but whenever I even attempt to tell them this, they turn it around on me or start projecting their feelings or justifying what they did or whatever. IDC why you are doing these things, just stop them. IDC that you had a bad day (I mean, I do, but not in this context). Does your bad day give you a reason to do all these things? I mean, seriously.



Other then that, everything is pretty good here. So, um.... love you all! Byez!

Okay, this might take a seriously long time to get down everything I want to say, so I'm sorry beforehand. This might also be extremely confusing--trust me, I know b/c it's confusing to me.

This past weekend, I went to the BASIC conference. For those of you who don't know what BASIC is, it's a Christian organization for college campuses, Brothers And Sisters In Christ. I never went to a single meeting before this past Tuesday b/c I have a class at that time, but I have been going to church. The conference was so much fun and very emotional but let me start in the beginning, on Friday.

That Thursday night/Friday morning, Shannan, Ryan and I had stayed up all night; we were up long enough to drive to Fulton to eat breakfast at a drive-in diner. So needless to say, we were all extremely tired. When Ryan and I saw how long the first service was on Friday, we were like, "this is not going to work." We figured that we just really couldn't do it, at all. We were too tired and the service was somewhere along the lines of 3 1/2 to 4 hours long, which is insane. We proceeded to sit away from our group, nearer to the back where we could sneak out or doze off and no one would notice us.

We really didn't expect it to affect us the way it had. I mean, I had always liked worship in church and, even though Isaiah 6 was there, it felt like the same to me. The sermon was fun; Pastor Pierre was funny and could relate to a bunch of college kids. But the prayer ministry thing was absolutely...well, emotional. Ryan and I both said "let's go up and get prayed for; try to heal our sins and whatever." We walked up to the front where over half I'd say of the people in the conference were and waited for a person (there were designated prayer people) to open up. I picked a random guy who I saw was open and said that I wanted to be closer to God. That I wanted a real, personal relationship with Him. Debbie, a woman from church and the advisor of BASIC saw me and took me. I started crying when I told her I what I wanted and how much I had searched for Him. She prayed that I would find what I needed, what I wanted and told me that for some people it was a gradual process; that even in the thirty years since she's been a true Christian that she's still working on that.

I didn't stop crying until around 11:30 that night. I went from being sad that I didn't have the relationship with God that everyone around me seemed to have to being angry with Him that he hadn't given me that relationship, that other people, it seemed like, had been born with that inside them and it never left. But afterward, I was so happy and hyper. It was like that all weekend; I would be crying one minute and smiling and laughing the next.

On Saturday, we (Ryan, Brian, Matt, Shannan, Michelle, Nick, Brent, and I) went to Ryan's house for lunch. Being around his family made me want to be around mine, especially my sisters. I don't get to talk to them that much, mostly because Kat's in bed when I call and Misty just doesn't seem to want to talk to me. That really hurt to tell the truth. I miss them so bad (it's actually gotten to the point that I miss Misty) and I just wanted to talk to them, to ask them how their days were. But they didn't want to talk to me.

Shannan told me something that day. God wants to hold my heart in his hands and protect it from all the little straight-pins of hurt that are lodged inside it now. Nothing will hurt me again and that the wounds from the pins will heal. I hope so b/c there are so many things that I'm in pain over and they're the stupidest things ever; I'm not even sure people realize that they're hurting me when they do it.

On Sunday, we came home, here to Oswego, and Ryan decided that he wanted to have a cleansing ceremony. He dumped out all his whiskey that he had and wrote prayers; prayers for himself, prayers for Mike, just prayers to help him stop drinking and to be a better Christian. Shannan, Matt, and I walked down to the Lake with him and he prayed for a while then threw the first bottle into the lake. He was hoping and praying that the waves wouldn't bring the bottle back, and they didn't. He then went to get the next bottle and did the same thing. He was so close to the edge and the waves were so bad that I thought he was going to get himself killed but then I remember thinking that God wouldn't allow that to happen. That that's just not the way He works.

Then on Tuesday, we went to the BASIC meeting even though I had sociology. Ryan was giving a testimony of what the weekend had meant to him and he wanted me to be there. I ended up giving a testimony of my own, though it was so not as impressive as Ryan's. It was kind of stupid now that I think about it. I basically said that b/c of the weekend, I was closer to where I wanted to be spiritually, which was absolutely true, but sort of lame. The only thing that was really awesome about my entire testimony was my welcome from the people there. I don't know half of those people but they were clapping and everything; I have to admit, it was pretty cool.

IDK about it all now, though. I mean, the weekend was great, but all it seemed to accomplish was getting more and more people to gain up on me about what I believe. Ryan is most definitely on Matt and Brian's side now on that aspect. Religion is a major thing in my life, whether he believes it or not and whenever he makes these little comments about me not accepting Christianity, it feels like he's pouring salt over the wound. He had an uber conversion and I didn't. I'm sorry but I can't make a split-second decision; I've never been able to. I know I don't have anything to lose but I don't want to be a hypocrite if I decide I don't want this and I don't want this to be false. I want this to be real, and I don't know if what I'm feeling is, or if it's just left-over conference emotions.

Academically, things are getting more and more difficult. I'm behind on my readings in everything. I have a paper due soon; I've skipped 2 soc classes. IDK what to do. And, Bridgette still isn't talking to me. I seriously doubt she even goes to church anymore because of this thing. Ryan and I are absolutely okay with her now; it's just her that's making it this way. Brian is driving me crazy all of a sudden. He's always so happy and expects me to be happy or to at least let him try to make me happy. And guess what Brian, I can't always be happy and you can't always make me happy! And, whenever he's not happy, he won't tell me why but I'm supposed to tell him why I'm unhappy all the time. I mean seriously, how fair is that. To make matters worse, Alicia, my room-mate, always has her boyfriend over in our room (he's here now as I write this) and it just makes me uncomfortable. I really do hate it.

Well, I honestly think that that is a long enough post for right now. TTUL

So, this is what has happened. I lost a friend; how fantastic. This is how it went:

Bridgette is always on Ryan's case about his drinking, everyone is, so I try to stand up for him a bit (not that he needs it, but that's just how I am). She freaked out on him Tuesday night/Wednesday morning but we (me and Steph) managed to stop them from arguing more. However, Ryan really wanted to talk to her, and he tried. She got defensive as soon as he started to say, "I want to talk to you." I could completely tell that this was going to be a waste of time and guess what? It was. So then Ryan got upset and erased her "happy birthday" messages from her white board but I stopped him from writing anything else. I tried to talk to her in the bathroom as we were brushing our teeth but she blew up at me because I defended Ryan. She then went on to imply that I was a whore.

Last night, I messaged her on facebook and this morning I go to talk to her. She doesn't listen to me, like always, and just keeps talking and talking. I barely get to say anything, which is so stupid. Then she says that she just wants to drop me and Ryan; by this time, I'm basically just about crying. I tell her whatever. That I still want to be her friend and that if she ever decides that she can deal with me being friends with Ryan then she knows where I am. She also said she was wrong to imply that I was a whore but later she basically called me it again. How nice, huh?

I'm trying to move past the hurt, sad, depressed stage into the full-fledged angry stage but it's not really working. I'm flip-flopping right now from both. Why do I always have to say sorry, why do I always have to make the concessions? I feel like, in all my relationships here, that I'm the only one that tries; except with Ryan, we don't get mad at each other. I don't know. Everyone's driving me crazy!!

And, she got rid of me as a friend in facebook. Beth, if you're reading this, I'm going insane. Help me!

I have many, many secrets. Some of which I can't tell anyone but here is one that haunts me...

I don't have a high self esteem. I know I don't and that's what makes it bad. I don't think I'm pretty, I don't think I'm small (like people say I am). In fact, because they think I'm small, it makes me feel even worse about eating. I feel like all that needs to happen is a little push and I will have an eating disorder; I already think about it. I already say to myself, you could lose like five pounds a week easily if you just don't eat this meal or if you just go throw up. My mother was right when she thought that the reason why I was exercising was to lose weight. It's the absolute truth. I want to be tiny and would do anything to get that way and that scares me. And then my family is very visual. They know if you have gained weight and are not nice about it. Last time I went home my dad said it looked like I gained weight, so did Beth. They don't know how much that hurt, how horrible I felt...

Life is hectic enough. I feel like eating is the one way I can control it. I feel bad every time I do eat. I watch what I eat and feel proud of myself if I go a day without eating more than 1 meal. That really does scare me... I don't know what to do about it.

This secret doesn't exactly haunt me so to speak but it does affect my everyday life. It takes me an hour every morning to get ready for class. Even when there is no classes, it takes me that long. I feel like I'm going to spin out of control, especially here, at school where the people don't really know me as well as the people back home do. If I do go out of control, who will catch me?

So, I've had my first drinks tonight... I'm not drunk or anything but Ryan and Mike are. Unbelievable drunk, you have no idea. It's pretty bad.

We were drinking whiskey. My first drinks were shots! I had like 2 1/2 so it wasn't that bad but Ryan and Mike basically drank the entire freaking bottle! Then we took off our clothes (down to our skivvies) and swam in the lake. That's freaking cold but I did it anyway. Then we went for a walk around the lake and Mike fell down and cut his forehead. It's still bleeding I think; I don't really know, he's in the shower or something.

So I tried to write yesterday and it was going to be this whole thing where I feel like I don't fit in anymore here; unfortunately I don't feel like that today. I'm in an awesome-ly good mood, you have no idea. I'll tell you why...

MY MORNING CLASS WAS CANCELED AND I GET TO GO HOME TODAY!!!!

How awesome is that, huh? I freaking love it. All I have to do this morning is get some reading done, get my stuff around to go home and clean a little bit (try to make it so I come back to a clean side of the room). It's going to f-ing rock! I love it already!!!!!!!

Is it weird to suddenly find yourself not thinking that you belong. I mean, I have friends (good friends) but sometimes I feel like they don't want to be around me or that I don't really want to be around them. Then there are the awkward situations I seem to love putting myself into. Okay, from the beginning.

Ryan, for some odd reason, is not talking to me. I haven't talked to him since last night when he was in a freaking awful mood and said that he wanted to move to Cayuga.

It's been a very long time I know but here I am, trying to summarize an entire month of new experiences. It's gonna be very difficult and quite possibly very long but I can't really help that.

So, first off, my room-mate. Her name is Alicia and she reminds me of the girls back at my high school, sort of like Mandy. Nice but not overly, ya know. We don't talk that much, which basically means almost none at all. Her boyfriend comes over a lot which is fine I guess. He stays here but he's nice and they don't do anything while I'm in the room at least, which is good. I feel comfortable in my room; it literally has become my home and it's happened so fast. It's not quite like home, I still worried about keeping my room clean (my side) and all that but I'm still comfortable enough in it to sleep in nothing but a t-shirt and panties. Alicia and I haven't had many problems, except that I tend to come in late because I stay up with my friends and she goes to bed early.

Now for my friends. I have so many more guy friends than I did back home, I'll start off with them first. My two best guy friends are Brian and Ryan. Brian actually lived here, this is his hometown. He's such a nice guy it's amazing. He has the stupidest taste in movies like Monty Python and the Holy Grail, which I watched with him. (Guess what? It's not as funny as everyone says it is.) He's also very religious (this guy's never been trick-or-treating for religious reasons) and he's kind of, well not pushing, but getting me in the direction that I want to be religiously. I'm actually going to church here, and I actually really like it! Ryan lived near Elmira but moved to Syracuse this summer. He's mean but in a funny way, kind of like Beth. He keeps calling me a whore, kind of like Beth. Basically, he is the male, Asian version of Beth. I absolutely love him but he's going through some hard times right now with addictions but Matt's helping him. Matt (or as we sometimes call him, starky) is Brian's room-mate. He's also religious and sometimes judgmental but you get the feeling that he's really trying to help people. He's a tech. ed. major. AJ is so annoying but funny. He keeps hitting my butt like there's no tomorrow. I swear, if he wasn't gay, I'd have slapped him like 400 times already! He also calls me 'whore' but now his favorite term is 'brazen little hussy.' To him, 'bitch' is a term of endearment. I love it. Nick is so cute and little. He's quiet and shy and such an amazing artist. I think Beth and him would get along well artistically at least. Then there's my girl friends who are pretty much insane as well. When I first met Bridgette I thought she was a sweet, innocent little girl. Now I know better. Instead, she has the dirtiest mind ever. But I love her for it. Then there's Traci, who I've talked about before. And Shonda, Traci's room-mate who's hilarious and quiet and studious all at the same time. Stephanie, though, is just one of those people who drive me insane. When she's happy, yay! She's extrememly happy, but when she's not I seriously do not want to be around her. She's so negative all of the time and it definitely brings me down.

For my classes, there all right. Some are extremely boring. Like Cultural Anthropology, which I fall asleep in all the time. Others are really cool, like my Latin American Civilizations class. My Honors classes are going pretty well. The only problem I have is going to bed early enough where I don't die in the morning and doing the reading. It's pretty much annoying!!! I hate doing the reading because they're always so long and so boring! But on to something fun...

Yeah, so I know I've changed a lot in the first month of college. I can already tell and sometimes I'm not sure it's for the best. I mean, I'm not doing drugs of sleeping around but, at times, I feel like a whore. I really, really do. I don't know what else to describe it as. I've only kissed 1 guy here (& in my life) but I get cuddly around others. And although I talked to Brian about it (he wasn't the only one I was doing it to but it felt worse b/c he has a girlfriend), I find myself going back to the old ways, before the talk. I don't know what to do about that. I don't want to give other people the impression that I really am a whore but I don't know what to do anymore. I'll have to think more about that. Anyway, Beth, this long drawn out thing was basically for you b/c I got your off-line messages. Here's your post.

So, is it bad to sort of be hating a friend right now because she's sooooo freakin' emotional? If so, then I'm a pretty horrible person.

So, I've been here for about 2 weeks and it's already starting. First the thing that's really bothering and then I'll get to some old and/or not so important things.

There's a guy here who's incredibly sweet and he's funny. Yesterday, he kissed me (my first kiss). Then, while he was walking me back to my dorm, he was walking ahead of me, talking on the phone, basically just ignoring me. Before we left, he didn't even look me in the eye. Today, he's here, in my hall, but he didn't talk to me, didn't say hi to me, didn't even acknowledge that I was in the freaking room. I don't get it. I don't know what to think anymore; it's incredibly awkward being around him but we have mutual friends and we're supposed to be friends, so I can't just not be around when he's around. No one knows what happened either; I didn't tell anyone because he was acting so weird on the way back here yesterday. Plus my other friend, Stephanie, likes him too. She's been so emotional lately and I don't want to hurt her. This is such a crappy situation and I definitly don't need it; I don't want it. If I could go back, I would have totally left with Dave and Stephanie when they did. I would not have stayed in the room alone with him. I don't know what I'm going to do. And, to top everything off, I'm being a hypocrite. Beth met a guy named Erik who she really likes and is dating and I told her to-I didn't tell her not to be with him, but I think I came pretty darn close because of the fact that she didn't know him that well. If your reading this Beth, I'm sorry.

Now for the not so important stuff (even though that is still bothering me). There's a guy here, named Dave, who is basically a sweet person way down deep. However, like Bridgette says, there's no filter between the brain and the mouth so he says whatever comes to mind. This is incredibly annoying and potentially hurtful to some people. Traci, a transfer, has anxiety attacks and Dave set one off. She was mad at him for about a day and a half which made the rest of us tenser than anything. She talked to him but it still seems weird to me a little. I don't know; she says she just wants to start anew but I don't think I can do that, I'm always going to remember that. Just like I'm always going to remember what happened with Rob. I may forget about for a couple days, but it's always going to come back when he says something stupid.

I guess that's just about it. I'm going to clean my room for a while, my room-mate isn't here. More on her later.

It's been a while yet again. Sorry about that to the absolutly no people who are reading this. And that's okay. Why would I want thousands of strangers knowing what I'm doing and what my life is; it's not like I'm Paris Hilton.

I'm at college right now. My second day. There's no classes yet; it's basically orientation all over again. I don't know anyone, too introverted to go up to someone and say: why are you wearing a kilt? or why do you have a blow-up doll in the form of a half-naked french maid? Both questions of which I am dying to ask. I don't really know how I'm liking it to tell you the truth. I mean, it's not terrible or anything, but like the title of this post asks: is it for me? I hope so. I hope I don't freak out and drop out. That would be absolutly horrible. I don't want to be like that. I really don't.

Nothing has really happened over the past two days that are worth mentioning. It's been kind of boring but scary at the same time. Most of the time I'm saying "hi, I'm Heather. What? Oh, I'm from Ceres which is near Olean which is south of Buffalo." Then they (the person I'm talking to) responds in kind. And I forget their names seconds after that. Oh well. What am I supposed to do; take post-it-notes with me and write down names with descriptions? Lynsey: girl with red hair and braids who I talked to in Cooper. How great. No, thanks not really my sort of thing.

I was down at the lake about a half hour ago. I was feeling inspired and corny. Let me type what I wrote:

As I write this, my feet are dangling in Lake Ontario, feeling, and melting in, teh ebb and flow of the waves. It is my second day here at SUNY Oswego. I don't know anyone and, being that I'm an introverted person, haven't met that many people; that's the hardest part, thus far, of college. But, as I look out into the horizon that is almost seamless with the blue water and sky becoming one, I feel that my future is as bright as the sun that is warming me now.

Told you it was corny. Anyway, I'm going to go. Bye! :-)

Yet again, I haven't been writing at all. Sorry. Right now, I'm at Tyler's house (one of Beth's friends) and I feel more than a little uncomfortable. Beth is in Cami's room (who is Tyler's sister) and is listening to music. Tyler and Alex are at Fiona's house who, at this moment, is sitting beside me checking e-mail.

I hate going over to people's houses, absolutely hate it. I don't know what to do half the time and it's even worse considering it's someone's house who I've met only once! Talk about awkward. Beth and Cami keep talking about all of these bands that I'm not particularly fond of anymore. I looked at the songs Beth's downloaded recently and it's all these hard-core rock bands like Avenged Sevenfold and Atreyu. I'm not into those bands, at all. I mean, some of there songs are good, but I'm not the biggest fan in the world. Cami also keeps talking about Warped Tour, which she went to recently (like yesterday and the day before) at Darien Lake. Beth wants to go. I might have wanted to go like 2 years ago, but not really anymore. It's so weird; it's like I'm not even a part of this anymore.

My family life isn't exactly the best either. My sister is being an ass and keeps telling me to move out and what not and I'm pretty sure my mother wants me to do the same. We've had some big fights over absolutely nothing. I cried so bad the last time; I wanted to move out. I was thinking that I only had a month to go and I had enough money to get an apartment if they would give me back the $400 they had borrowed. Misty's the same way though, like I said. It's a piece a crap, I'm telling you. It's like that every other day at my house.

So much of my life is so f-ed up right now. I absolutely hate it and I can't really do a thing about it. I don't know anymore. I feel left out at work (because Ashley, Brianna, and Bill are such good friends), I feel left out at home (because Misty, Mama, and now Daddy sometimes seem to really have something going on, like their closer or something now that I'm not around all that much and that I'm going to leave), and now I feel left out with my friends surrounding me because they have other friends that they can hang out with-and do hang out with- and I don't have anyone else. God it sucks. It absolutely sucks.

That's it; I need to listen to some music that will make me happy; though I'm sure Beth won't like the kind of music I listen to now. That's okay, I don't like hers either.

P.S. I got a 4 on both of my AP tests! Yaaay Me!

So, I know it's been a while but I will try my best to tell about what has happened since my last post. I finished high school and graduated. It was okay but pretty boring. Except that I actually read my speech to a couple hundred people. That was sort of scary.

Since then, I am working at the school. I clean the entire thing and it is more than a little sucky. There's always gum to clean off desks, windows to wash, floors to sweep and other crappy things. I work from 7-3:30; I have to wake up at six in the morning. How wonderful! That's all that's been going on in my life and I don't particularly want to write anymore so... buh-bye!

Is it strange that I want to be black-listed, like potential terrorists are? I have this strange urge to see how far I can go with the government. For example, would it only take one time of googling Al-Qaeda to have the FBI banging down my front door, or would it take repeated offenses in order to get that kind of recognition. It is not like I am favorable to Islamic extremists, or anything. I'm not; I just have a perverse desire to find out how long it would take. I did google Al-Qaeda a couple of minutes ago. So, if you hear of a young blogger who was taken to Guantanamo, it's me.

Beth and I always joke around, saying that Mr. CIA-man is listening into our conversations and, although I know that it is only joking, I always wonder if someone is listening. That's probably incredibly egotistical but come on. Everyone has to be wondering that at some point when they're saying something particularly bad on the phone. It's human nature to be paranoid.

Anyway, back to the black-listing urge. It's strange, I know. I think it can be compared to the people who rode the busses during freedom summer though. They wanted to know just how hard they could push too. It may turn out about the same as well (if I do get sent to Gitmo--which admitedly is unlikely). They were beaten and/or killed, tortured in effect; that sounds a lot like what is happening in the base in Cuba, doesn't it?

Onto a new subject. So, all that has been on the BBC world news is the G8 summit (that and China, but who cares about China?). It is amazing how the summit, which originally was meant to be like a post-Kyoto treaty or something that was supposed to help stop global warming, has become a stage for a new cold war. I guess we want to have anti-missile shields or something like that in Europe and Russia is mad about that. Can anyone say egotistical? Russia hasn't been very important since the fall of the USSR in the early 90s. Yes, Russia, you are so important that, although we are fighting TWO unpopular wars in the Middle East (if we don't count that whole war on terrorism thing), we are going to divert money from those wars to start yet another one. I'm sure.

Listen to me closely Russia. We have bigger fish to fry. Remember Iran? South Korea (or north, which ever one is communist)? There are people in the world who would kill themselves to get rid of a few Americans. I'm afraid that the only way you would hurt Americans would be if you drank one too many shots of Vodka and decided to poison one of our secret agents this time.

I think Russia is getting tired of being the country "that was." You know what I mean? They were so important a decade and a half ago. More than half a century was devoted to threats of wiping them off the face of the earth, squrmishes that didn't really do anything but kill people, and ignoring them like they were an annoying little brother. Now, all of a sudden, there's some other country who is full-filling those needs. Poor Russians; they must feel left out now. Get over it.

New Subject! This time it is the SUPER OBAMA! I have heard (mostly read) so much about Obama that it seems like he's everywhere. If I light a donkey sky light, will he come running and tell me the *gasp* truth? Why is this such a big deal for the media. Someone who tells the truth and doesn't switch views depending on the audience he's speaking to? Oh my gosh! It's a miracle, someone call the pope! They (Time Magazine & Newsweek) have stated that that might be a bad political plan. Well duh! But seriously, who's better for the Oval Office than a person who tells the truth? I think Obama's awesome and we need more politicians like him. Granted, he most likely will not win the primary elections or, if he does, the actual presidential election because 1) he's (half) black. There's still tons of racism in America, whether we want to admit it or not. 2) it's unlikely that he will get the support of the oil and car and what-not industries who only want money and not what is good for the people who buy their products. and 3) he's different. This may be a generalization, but older people feel comfortable voting for people who are like them and he's not. (And let's face it, there are a lot of old people in this country. I'm still going to vote for him if he gets as far as the presidential elections (I'm not a card-carrying member of the democratic party and therefore cannot cast a vote in the primary elections) because he's freakin' awesome, but, like I said, he probably won't win. DON'T QUOTE ME! NOTHING'S IMPOSSIBLE!

Anyway, there's my thoughts for a while. A little more political than normal but hey. I'm in that sort of mood... or maybe it's because I'm watching a lot of Anderson Cooper 360 (I think he's kind of cute).

Yeah, it's been a while, but I'll try my best to catch y'all up (of course no one's probably reading this so I'm talking to myself and may be crazy but, oh well! That's life).

So, since we last spoke, my mother tried to force me into the military. Isn't that ironic considering the comic that is in my last post? So, after being bullied and talked to for an two in a half hours by my mother and army reserves recruiter respectively, I finally consented to taking the ASVAB. That test is almost as bad as the freaking SATs. I got my results and the nice Sargent Soles came back to my house with his boss, Sargent Long, to talk to me about joining because, apparently, I got a really good score--an 88. They said I could go into the reserves with the 3x5 program which is where it's three years active reserves and 5 years inactive and I could do a split-training which would be super good because my college is just about paid for. Unfortunately, Sargent Soles called me and said that he and Long had been wrong and I can't do the split-training with the 3x5. So even though I was thinking about it before (with the split-training 3x5), it's basically a no-thank-you type of deal now.

My mother's freaking out about it because I don't want to join. She says it's a really good deal but she's forgetting that it's my life and not hers. She's just gonna have to live with it that I, at least, am not going into the military. Mimi on the other hand, is thinking about it considerably.

I'm kind of freaking out right now. Not because of the whole forcing me into the army thing, but about the crap they're throwing at us in school. APUSH is relatively east, but I now have a thesis to write and a minimum wage project to do. Oh yeah, and I have to finish the community service project. How freaking annoying!

My thesis is probably the worse. Because I'm in AP English, it has to literary in nature. I'm doing Holden Caulfield's morality. It seemed interesting at the time and still sort of is but I just don't want to do it, and I have to. Ten pages double-spaced with at least 5 sources. I now that it's not that bad, but it still sucks.

I'm gonna go now. Oh! If any one is reading this, then here is an awesome Brit singer guy: Patrick Wolf. I have "The Magic Position" and it's really cool. It's a cross between the 60s and 80s music. So there, there's my musical advice for the day.

Duh, of course they would. It's a government with a Rebulican President who, for the last 7 years, has ruined our international reputation and made a fool out of himself!

I'm a little bored. Oh-Kay, very bored; but you know what, I don't know what to do to keep me from being bored.

School has been kind of boring. I went to BOCES with Beth yesterday. I don't really like it there; it's boring and there are too many people I don't know. Beth was doing her own thing, which is understandable because, ya know, it is school for her, and I was stuck there doing absolutly nothing. In the beginning, I was getting my hair done for prom. It didn't really look that bad, but Beth kept laughing at me. God, she can be pretty inconsiderate sometimes. I was at a place where know maybe 30 people in the entire building and all she did was laugh and say how horrible I looked. Yeah, thanks a lot, Beth. That's so nice of you.

When I was done getting my hair done, I got an eyebrow wax. It didn't hurt that bad and I think it looks pretty good, and natural as well. That was another thing Beth had to say something about. I don't exactly like her at times. Yet again, thanks a lot, Beth.

The rest of my week has been okay, though. The AP US test is coming up, so Mr. Baldwin's really pushing us to do good. I'm okay with the information, multiple-choice part, but the essays are killing me. I can't write how they want me to. I'm not a bad writer. In fact, before this year, I thought I was a good writer. Now, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong and I hate it. He's expecting me to get a 4 or 5, but no pressure, ya know? Yeah, right. I'll be lucky if I get a 3.

Beth didn't get into Oswego like she wanted. She's going to Finger Lakes Community College, though, which she says is fine with her.

I'm salutatorian. Now I have to come up with a speech and I don't know what to say. Everyone wants it to be funny and I just don't know what to say! God, this is annoying!

I'm gonna go and do some homework or something. I'll write later.

Wanna know about my day? Of course you do! So here it is...

I went to school (duh!). The class I started with was APUSH (AP US History for all the people who are actually reading this and doesn't know what that was). Poor Mr. Baldwin seems so stressed out it's weird. He doesn't smile as much as he used to. He used to make it sort of fun with his weird, off-the-cuff jokes and the such; now it's just sort of boring. Then I went to Government class where we talked about the Virginia tech shootings for a while, elections for a while, and a letter from a Major in the army that wrote about how great Bolivar was. I guess it's kind of good but I don't know if I would be saying all the stuff he did. Oh well, it's his opinion I guess.

The poor guy's over in Iraq now, or he was. It's amazing that he has time to write or even wants to considering you're in enemy territory and you don't know who's friendly and who's not. I don't think I could ever go to war. That's what most people think, I think. It is kind of a weird thing to think about, the war going on, I mean. I mean, here I am, typing away my thoughts in my house with a full stomach and a mother to fight with in back of me sitting in her chair while all the soldiers who are fighting enemies are without their mamas and families and pizza and all of the stuff I have. I know that that's the way it is, but I don't like to think about it.

Anyway, after goverenment, I went to Blakely's to get my prom ticket and then to Mr. Di's. Brian was there because Mr. D wanted to tell us who was 2nd and 3rd in our class. Michelle was first (like I thought). Brian's GPA thing for the entire, ya know, high school career was a 94.0??; mine was a 94.7??, which means that I'm salutatorian! Yay me! It seems like life is looking up.

After that, I went to Physics lab and worked on review. It was very boring but then I went to gym and played tennis. It was pretty good and so I was I, actually. It was then time to go to study hall (after lunch). However, the library was full up so I went to the lounge. Michelle was watching a lifetime movie and it sucked. Good lord, I hated it! Then I went to the library and finished my psych paper on memory. Advisement was boring, as well. I came home and went to the library then took a walk and now I'm here.

So, that's all. Gotta go. Byez!

So, it's been a while since I wrote but I have some super cool awesome news! Are ya ready? I've been accepted to SUNY Oswego! I've sent the deposit to them so it is set. YAY ME!!!! I think my parents are happy, although my mom is a little mad that they have to buy so much stuff. Oh well. It's still pretty cool.

The same exact thing happened to Beth. She applied to Fredonia, Oswego, and two other community colleges. She's gotten into Fredonia but she really wants to go to Oswego. I hope she does too; I've gotten used to it. At first, I didn't think it'd be a good idea, but now it's awesome! I seriously hope she's accepted; it would suck if she didn't.

I'm leaving on (the tentative date is:) August 25th. If Beth gets accepted she's driving us up there. It is so awesome that I gat accepted. I'm so happy! Anyway, I'm gonna go now. Bye Bye!!! *I'm accepted!*

So, today I went to the elementary school for a book fair, like I did yesterday. It was pretty cool, working with those little kids. Apparently they swear a lot but they were so cute to me!! I haven't really done anything but that and climb about 1000 stairs (I'm not making that up; that was my exercising for the day). Other than that, it's been pretty dang boring.

This is the picture that's supposed to be on the post below. However, if you click that one, it will send you straight to the site, New York Times.

Today, I read an article from the New Tork times that told about how a German judge wouldn't let a Muslim woman speed up her divorce from a man who was abusive and threatened to kill her because they were Morrocan and abuse was prevalant in their culture. She also sited a part of the Koran that said it was okay to beat a wife if she was disobedient, a part that many modern Muslims (excluding radicals and fundamentalists) have deemed archaic and don't follow it. They say that Muhammad (pbuh) didn't beat his wives and that they follow his example. The judge has taken some slack, not only for siting the Koran in a way that puts Islam into a bad light but also because the woman in question was being abused and threatened; the judge didn't allow the divorce which could have happened under Germany's laws.

Did you hear about the Lost Boy Scout in North Carolina? Apparently, he was tired of camping with his troop so he started walking. He wanted to go to a road and hitch a ride home. When he heard people screaming his name, he did answer but, because they couldn't hear him, he just started walking again. When they finally found him, he wanted to take a ride in the helicopters that were circling around looking for him. How stupid can you be? I mean seriously, kid, start walking towards the people, not away. The parents just said that they needed to give him the talk about hitchhiking again. My thoughts are that the people should talk to their son about walking away into the wilderness, alone. Maybe that would be the right talk to give the kid!

Here's a quote for all you Bush-bashers! "President Bush is a war criminal. Let impeachment be the first step toward national reconciliation-and toward penance for the for the outrages commited in our nation's name." -Rocky Anderson, mayor of Salt Lake City, Utah

Today is the day when I do something. Today is the day where I fear nothing. Today is the day that I... wake up and smell the coffee. I'm in a study hall in school and have nothing to do. I take that back. I have college essays to write but for God's sake, that's all I've been doing lately. All week and last week, I've been doing college stuff. First I got the horrific news that I can't go to the ones I want, then I got the stuff to go to ones I don't really want to do. What the heck! Can't I get a break for once? It's so annoying.

So, nothing has happened lately, except for the fact that I'm bored. Shawn F. and Michelle C. are sitting in front of me and they're both reading, so I can't talk to them. GRRRR!!!! Bored!!! Guess I'll do Sentinel stuff. Write later.

So, it's the weekend and what an eventful weekend it has been.
Yeah right. I live in a place where nothing happens. And I mean nothing. The only thing that has happened recently is the fact that my mom blamed me for not being able to pay for college. ME! Yes, it is completely my fault. Terribly sorry that I don't have $32,000 for four years. Really, it's all my fault.
Now, though, she's just fine with it. She's bipolar, I swear. It must be a mother thing, has to be, cause I've never seen anyone else like this except mothers. And my sister, who is almost exactly like my mother. It's severely annoying. She can't make up her own mind on just about everything. Oh well.
My mother is pretty nosy; she just asked me what I'm doing. I told her I was looking up a way to make a bomb.
Oooh, I found the greatest cartoon from Time magazine. It's Cheney ( I think) in an outfit from the movie 300. The caption states "They were the only ones still willing to defend the Bush administration." Which is completely true. Maybe I'm not an expert, but I don't really know anyone who still defends Bush (excluding most Republicans because I think they're just Bush clones in costumes that only look like real people). Bush doesn't seem to think about what he's doing to America; he seems to be more worried with his legacy (as if he has one). I just don't get his reasoning. Well, the optomist in me says that we only have another year of him! Hopefully after that he'll stick to something else he probably doesn't do well in: golf.

Sweat has lingered on my brow
For many a year
Dreams, intense and vivid,
Have been my food
Third of sixty-something:
A title long-hard won.

Yet what have my troubles brought?
A horrible, terrifying sound;
Listen! The grinding, twisting, screeching, stopping sound,
Which is my future.
My beautiful Dreams, once so colorful and near,
Are Now an unmeasurable distance away.
In their wake,
There is Darkness.
No Hope, No Light.

Yay. Hasn't this been a great day! There was so much sarcasm in that sentence that I can see it dripping off. This day has just about sucked, and it started last night.
My mom came home last night from Aunt Deb's house. As soon as she came in, she starting complaining, "what happened to my house?" "why isn't your room clean?" blah blah blah. The worst part is, Mama isn't letting us play tennis anymore. She called me and Mimi out about three hundred times, yelling at us about all types of stuff, including the fact that practices are too late and Daddy has to get us to take us back home. First of all, practices are only that late until the courts are open; she didn't listen though. Of course not, she never does. It drives me crazy! It's just easier to go along with her too, so I told Mr. Sahm that we quit. I started crying I was so upset.
To make matters worse, yesterday I also went to talk to Mr. Di about the financial aid. I might have to go to a SUNY school; not that that's a bad thing, but I've already applied and been accepted to these schools. I'd have to go into at least $8,000 in debt in order to go to my first choice. I don't know about one of the school's I've been accepted to, but it doesn't matter. So basically, I have to beg for at least a couple more thousand.
You know, I got a salutatorian scholarship for 75% of the tuition for one school. The tuition is 30,500 dollars. I'm only getting about $9,000 on the financial aid. The scholarship calls for at the most about $22,800. Where did the other $13,000 go? I understand that they need(?) to take out what the state gives me so I won't be above what the college costs, but come one. I need about $11,000 in student loans in order to go there. Why can't they give me that?
I worked my butt off trying to get into these schools; my family doesn't have that type of money, I don't have that type of money! What is going on with this country?!? They expect me to go to college to get a good job, but I can't afford the freaking thing! This is so stupid! I'm third in my class, my GPA is about a 96. something and I can't afford to go to school. Anyway, I'll blog later.