The World as I Know it

I read in the Radical Reformation that there are two different kinds of sin, universal and particular. Universal are the ones that are the same for everyone (i.e. murder, adultery, etc), particular sins are those which are only a problem for certain individuals (like drinking or gambling). At the time, I had long since realized which universal sins I was constantly falling into (duh!), but didn't quite see my particular sin as clearly. Now I do.

"...they have not obeyed me or followed my law. Instead they have followed the stubborness of their hearts..." (Jer. 9:13b-14a) In teh margins of my bible, I had to write "that's me!" because it so it! I am so stubborn! God sends clear and distince messages to me to stop what I am doing. After I ask for signs to show that I'm wrong, He sends me one that someone in China could see it's so clear! And yet, I still go on and continue whatever I'm doing. This is not only blatently ignoring and turning away from God, but it is food to my sinful nature.

My stubborness, my inability to let go of my old way of life, my pride, my expectations, of my own strength, weakened me and made me susceptible to sin. It is hard to let go of something that is so ingrained within us, but it must be done. We all have this insane urge to survive, one that is so biologically embedded into our DNA that most people would kill others before letting thmselves die. Jesus fought this instinct and won. Because of Him, we all have hope for the future. I must look to Him for the strength, the courage and teh example, for He is those things embodied.
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"I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for mat to direct his steps. Correct me, O Lord, but only justice--not in your anger, lest you reduce me to nothing" (Jer. 10:23-24).

My life is not my own; I did not will myself into existence, so why do I continue to act as if I have? I do things that I wouldn't do to someone else's belongings. So why do I do this?

I am stubborn in more ways than one. I refuse to believe that this life is not my own, that the things I do are things that are for me. I guess perhaps my stubborness is a perverse, hidden form of narcism or egotism.

I will be the first to say that I am not the most self-loving person (which can sometimes be a good thing), so to realize that I have a hidden thing within myself frightens me.

But there is hope: the rest of the passage. "Correct me, O Lord..." And I believe I will be corrected, that He will correct me. He has pointed out what I am doing and that knowledge is the first step. He has shown me the way and I shall do my best to walk in that way (Jer. 7:23).

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I must say, that at first, I thought that this chapter (Jeremiah 11) was redundant for the most part. Then a thought came to me. If it is repeated, it must be important. So, here's what I got:

1) do NOT follow "the stubborness of [your] evil hearts" (v.8)
2)OBEY! (v. 4, 7)
3)LISTEN! (v. 8, 10)

The Lord will have his vengence. We are made to go with Him. He rejoices in it. But to go against Him is to go against our very nature, and that always has bad consequences. Do not be "like a gentle lamb led to teh slaughter" (v. 19). Be a warrior and flight! Obey and listen to your father, your Lord. You will not be forgotten.

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Pride is a hurtful thing. So much of our sin stems from our pride. We think we know best, we think we can do something the best; we think we are the best.

But the Lord dispises pride--as He should! Who are we tho think we're awesome?!? "Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind?...Have you ever given orders to teh morning, or shown the dawn its place...? (Job 38:37, 12).

In Jeremiah's time, there was a mad amount of pride in Jerusalem. They worshipped other gods because they thought they could make better ones. They stopped listening because they were obviously better...or so they thought.

But God is greater than us, greater than anyone. he is the great I Am. if that doesn't show how amazing He is, that He can simply state that He is, than nothing will.

We have no reason for pride. Compared to God, we are just about nothing. It is His grace and His mercy that allows us to continue being. We will never be as good as God, will will never reach the divine, so "come down from your thrones, for your glorious crowns will fall from your hands" (Jer. 13:18).

___AND FINALLY..._______

Without the Lord in our lives,we are not fulfilled. Jerusalem figured that out when a great drought struck the land. In truth, the drought was just a physical emulation of a spiritual drought which had begun long ago.

The culture, the lives of Jerusalem was disrupted because of a lack of God: "the ground is cracked because there is no rain in the land;" (Jer. 14:4). Our souls are no different. "...my soul thirsts for You; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water" (Ps. 63:1). So don't delay. Fill up your cup daily, for in a hot world such as this one, we constantly need to drink.

Dear you,
You have been my one of my best friends here for a year and a half. We have gone through many things together. Too many to count. And yet, this semester, we probably haven't been on speaking terms for half of it. I hate that.

I realize that you're hurt and that you have your own issues to deal with but you said that i could come to you, that you wanted us to be back to the way it was before. I reached out to you! I asked to come to that meeting for a reason. I needed to know that I could come to you, that you would be there for me and that you would forgive me for messing up our friendship so bad. And you gave me such a hard time about it. You said that you weren't going to come if I didn't tell you what it was about. Why does it matter? I wanted you in my life again. I wanted you to be one of the first people I call when I'm upset. I wanted you there. That hurt so bad but not as much as you walking out. I got a lot out of that night and wish you could have been a part of it, but you weren't. I don't know why, but you didn't feel like it. I wanted you to be there so badly, more than anyone else really. And it hurts to know that I mean so little to you that you couldn't stay for me. I don't know what I wanted from that meeting. Accountibility, friendship, simply knowing that I could go to other people because I miss them; I miss you.

I need you in my life (as weird as that sounds). Because I can't do this by myself; I've tried. It doesn't work. I miss him, I won't lie to you. I do. I wish I didn't, but I do. And I know that for the most part, this is between God and I, but I need to know that you will be there too.

I'm going home on Wednesday and I don't want to not talk to you for an entire month. It's too hard. It hurts too much.

I've recently realized how stupid I am. Please dispose of all the nonsense that I have put in your head. It's done. It's over. I cannot believe what I did and what I almost lost. Makes me cry and laugh at the same time. Gosh I'm stupid...

****honest, honest post*****

I don't know if any of you have ever felt this way--the way you're acting, I would say no. I don't know if you have ever been annoyed when someone mentioned God, if you didn't want to go somewhere because you knew there'd be God talk, if you just wanted to get a bunch of new friends because then you wouldn't have to deal with it. If you ever felt like if you never talked about God, that might be alright.

I also don't know if, when you feel like this, if you feel guilty. If you feel annoyed at yourself. If you feel bad. If, when you actually allow yourself to think about it, you know that it wouldn't be alright. It's not alright now, so why would it be alright then? If you knew you would miss your friends. If you knew that you would miss Him, even if you only think this maybe fourty percent of the time.

I don't know if you can remember the first time you truly felt God's love; I can't. I don't know if you feel like maybe you've become a better person because of having Jesus in your life; I don't have an answer for that one. I don't know if you feel like you lost the very thing that made you part of the group you are in now so in a sense, you lost the group; I do.

I don't know if you've ever felt like it just wasn't worth it. If He wasn't (though even as I type this I know He is), if simply living wasn't. If you've ever wondered how many pills it would take to get rid of the hurt that isn't physical and isn't emotional, but purely spiritual. If you've ever wondered what could fill the hole that is in your life...guys? drinking? drugs? If you ever thought, "well, I tried the God route, and it's obviously not working, so why bother?" or "i've already failed. who cares if i do this thing?"

You are probably thinking this, with something coming right after it that tries to make it sound better, but I'm going to be honest. More honest than I have been in a long time. I'm falling. I tried coming back but it's so hard. The path back is up-hill in a torrential rain storm that is constantly making you slide further and further down until it doesn't matter anymore. Until you are so tired, until you can barely see anything else, until you just don't have any fight left inside. I think I have given up. I think that I am at that point. I'm at that point that I don't see anyway out, so... I'm just giving in now. You all have been thinking this; I'm just vocalizing it.

There's no one in my room. Just me. It full of stuff that I hold dear, of things I would rather get rid of, of things that are essential to my survival as a nineteen year old, and things that I hold onto just because. But there's no other living thing in it besides my cacti; they don't really count.

I'm surrounded by people every day. I'm in classes which have anywhere from twenty to one hundred other people in it. I hear conversations going on around me; I see the emotions in their words, in the tone. I hear the the tears in my own, even if no one else does. I touch the fear and the sadness, even if no one does. I smell the pain and the hurt, even if no one does.

And no one does, do they? I go through the day with a smile on my face for the most part. I am happy and bright and cheerful. Does anyone realize what a mask this is? Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I figure it out walking to class, talking to someone, in the middle of dinner.

Tears are streaming down my face and I can't stop them. I don't want to stop them. I don't care if it is temporary; I want to stay in bed and let the world go on without me. It does anyway. Why go out and worry about what people are thinking, what they are saying, what they are seeing?

I was happy this weekend. I wasn't good this weekend, but I was happy. Meals didn't make my heart hurt. I didn't have so much emotions internally that they had to become external. No, I take that back.

I have them. And sometimes, I have him. And even less frequently it seems, I have Him. But I don't truly have them it feels like. I cannot talk to them. It will hurt when they leave, but I can't talk to them. Having Him is such a sporadic event now. When I do have Him, I think about the things I have done. I think about how I'm simply not worth it. It's the same for him. Except I will never truly have him. he likes her. no, he loves her. i am not worth the commitment. she is. i'm not. except my mind, being as it is, cannot understand that. to my mind, it doesn't matter. for those minutes, those hours, i do have him. it's making me lose Him more though, as well as making me lose him for other reasons. and them. and me. but i don't know who that is anymore, so i guess that that doesn't matter that much.

i'm sorry if this is emo-tastic. i guess i just feel that way tonight. i'll be over it soon. i always am. it's just a crappy time. i'll be done with this and happy again.

I think I'm done. I'm done feeling this way, I'm done fighting things off. I'm done fighting by myself. I'm done feeling like I'm not good enough for Him or for any of you. I am simply done. Some of you may think this is a cry for attention but you are wrong. I just don't want to care so much anymore. I just don't want to feel anything anymore. Please don't expect much more out of me. I know you all have your own things to deal with so focus on them; there's nothing to focus on here. I'm done.

So I've began to write down my feelings about what I read in the Bible. I feel like some of the things are really encouraging and are simply what I am going through at the moment in my spiritual life. It's good to share so that's what I'm doing.

November 13, 2008
Evening Meditation
Isaiah 1

Since I messed up--again--today, some of this chapter really spoke out to me. "THough your sins are like scalet, they shall be as white as snow" (Is. 1:18) and "I will thoroughly purge away your dross and remove all your impurities (Is. 1:25). I have a lot of impurities; God has a lot of work to to in me. I do not want him to have to bleed my sins away anymore. I know I've said hat hundreds of times before, but it's true. I just want to be able to have some self-control. That is a fruit of the spirit I am desperate need of (Gal. 5:22). In order to do that, I must abide in You and Your Word- "no branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me" (John 15:4).
I must remain in You if I want self-control & not require my sins to be wiped away everday, to not have to be taken away. I need to "stop doing wrong, learn to do right!" (Is. 1:16c-17a). And in order to do that, I must rely on You.

November 14, 2008
Evening Meditations
Isaiah 2

The verse that really stuck out to me tonight was verse 22--"stop trusting in man who has but a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he?"
I often rely on my own or others' strength. I don't really ask God to take everything and make me new. I mean, I do, but I don't hand myself over to Him and I need to.
I know that God is just waiting to make me in His likeness. Not just physically but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as well. I have to hand myself over to HIm, to trust the one who created me.
I cannot go on with my own strength. I cannot continue taking advice from friends and family. I must lean on my Holy Father. He will help get me through it all.

November 15, 2008
Morning Meditations
Isaiah 41:10

"fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
This verse, especially the "I am with you;" will most likely get me through this day unless something changes. I fell like I am forgotten by the people I care most about, that, since some anger is directed at me, I am nothing. And that is not true. "We love because He loved us first" (1 John 4:19).
The most Holy Being, my Father loved me. He knows the wrongs I do, yet His love continues. I may be hurt, I may feel as low as low can be, but He is with me, He will strengthen me, He will hold my hand and help me to safety. He loves me.

So much has happened since the last time I wrote. I went to the BASIC conference and had an amazing time there. Came back, talked to Bongo Man who decided we weren't meant to be friends and that I make him say awful things (things have since changed, for good or for bad). I messed up--again--and people are angry--again. But I wrote a song! It is done I think. Let me share it with you:

Though the wind is strong,
And the thunder rumbles;
and though I fall,
and though I stumble

Lord, You are there
to catch my fall;
Your outstretched arm,
You are all in all

chorus
So keep me Lord,
in Your embrace.
Your love is so dear,
it cannot be replaced.
And I will love* you
through the good and the bad.
Yes I will love* you
You are all i have

You are so perfect
You are astounding.
Evey single moment,
Lord Your love confounds me.

You are the same,
and always forgives.
I am Yours;
for You I live.

chorus
So keep me Lord
in Your embrace.
Your love is so dear,
it cannot be replaced.
And I will love* you
through the good and the bad.
yes i will love You
You are all i have.

I also have chords to this song, thanks to Ryan. I hope you all like it; writing it helped me.

Today at church was so fantastic, it really really was. The last couple weeks, I haven't truly been feeling church and I've been having messed up thoughts that I keep trying to push out of my mind and it's not working.

It's so stupid but what started all this was something that Bongo Man said, something so tiny. We were talking about something I don't know what but he said that I might think differently when I'm not so religious. I thought that that was never going to happen but I keep thinking about what he said. He didn't say if, he said when. I feel like I have such a tenuous hold sometimes with my faith and I don't want to lose it. I never want to lose it.

I am so afraid of that. And today, during church, I was thinking about it. When Pastor Chuck had an alter call for those who wanted to be closer to the Holy Spirit, I went up there to pray about spiritual gifts but it ended up me sort of begging God to not let go of me.

That's my greatest fear. Lord, don't let go of me. Keep holding on to me; I don't want to live without you. I don't want to go back. Change my heart and my mind. Just stay with me; hold me the tightest possible way. Hold on to me.

I hate it when people don't do things!! I'm talking about Brian and his complete lack of interest in helping out with anything really. He is NOT that busy. And I don't care if he doesn't have artistic abilities; neither do I!!! But I'm still going to the poster making party. I can't stay the whole time because I actually have work to do and will probably do it instead of playing TimeSplitters or whatever the crap he does! Ugh!! People like that just make me sooooooooo mad!!!!! That's all. Just had to vent.

Ever do something really stupid; like immensely retarded. Something that could potentially and usually does hurt someone in the process of being fun or funny? Welcome to my life!

I'm retarded! And I hate it! This week has been such a crap week! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Well, that is all I have to say.

Je suis inferme. Je suis tres inferme. I love being able to complain in french. It somehow makes me feel better.

For those of you who are not lucky enough to speak this language, I'm sick! And I hate it. I despise it. I feel dizzy when I walk, my ears hurt like crap, and I cough sooooo much. I don't want to be sick! At least wait until this week is over! It's been a weird week so don't make me sick on top of it!!

But I have Shonda as a roommate and Shonda is amazing. She brought me tea today and told me not to die, which is very nice of her. I'm sorry if I get you sick Shonda! I'm sorry if I get anyone sick! I love you all and will try to take care of you too!

First of all, I did stick up for you. You are one of my closest friends. I was angry when I said that I didn't want to be friends with you anymore and honestly, half the time you do treat me like crap. I am going to be friends with you because I miss you. Whether you want to believe that or not is up to you. This is going way too far. We need to sit down and talk about this. This is going way farther than what I did; this is going into stuff that should have been talked about long ago. We need to talk.

I don't understand either. I don't. But I need help in order to. I just need you to be there for me; to let me lean on you sometimes, because I need that. And you're right, we may never be the same, but why do we have to just say that and not try? We've been through a lot and this is the thing to rip us apart? I don't understand... I adore you with my whole being; not being around you hurts me worse than the things that happened on Monday. I just miss you. I don't know if you'll read this, but I miss you. I just miss you.

I'm listening to the Mat Kearney song on Padora Radio (which all you should check out because it's pretty much amazing), which is why that's the title of this post.

I'm sitting in the library, where I have been for approximately two and a half hours according to facebook and I am a-l-o-n-e. Shonda was supposed to come but I guess she didn't get the chance, which is fine, it's just that sitting in a room by yourself is absolutely no fun and makes you tired very often.

I don't know what is going on with my life to tell you the truth. Sometimes, I just want to be alone and concentrate on one person, but I hate being alone a lot and people often don't have time or, I don't know, just don't see the point. A lot of people have talked about this, I know, but maybe it's because I'm sort of cranky or something. Whatever. I'm not being coherent right now. Haha.

I talked with Bongo Man last night. I was supposed to be studying philosophy more than talking but it didn't turn out that way. He was having kind of a crappy day and people don't want to talk about studying nevermind do it when their day has sucked big time. We ended up talking about what he wants to do with his life, which is awesome. He actually wants to change the world for the better. Some people may feel like in order to do that, you must be Christian and try to save everyone, and that is remarkably important, but we must remember that Jesus was also about having love for those who didn't have anything else. He protected people who would otherwise be stoned or shunned or cast away. Bongo Man realizes this in some way; he gets it, though he doesn't realize it's God who's putting this sort of stuff on his heart but he will, I think.

It's interesting on people can do that; they will go into social work or something and not care about God, maybe even be an atheist, yet it is God who is leading them in that position. I really think that. He still cares about us, even those among us who don't believe. He made us with such creativity, knowing what was going to happen in our lives, knowing what to put in us in order to help us with our futures. People just don't realize that.


I think the title of this post is oddly appropriate, though it wasn't supposed to be. I am crashing down into a new year, into a new self of some sort. I'm not sure if it will be a pretty crash landing, but I know that it is going to be an experience to remember.

So I've decided to take a break from cleaning my room. Shonda's side is already spotless and beautiful looking--mine has a little bit more to go.

Last night we (meaning Kdee, Kelly, Shannan, Ryan, Andy, Nick, Brandon and I) went to the park across from New Cov and had some worship and prayer. There was a drunk person there and we decided to pray for him. It was weird, being around a drunk person again. I mean, Ryan had his problems and I was there for some of it, but this guy, Paul, brought back some memories for me. My dad drank for a long time. As long as I can remember really. And he always used to come home smelling like beer. I don't think he was as bad as Paul was, but it may be that I just don't want to remember that stuff. When we lived in Dexter (I always say that I lived in Watertown because it's bigger and more people know it), we lived over a bar, in an apartment. My daddy was a construction worker, sort of. Our family business was blowing stuff up--trenches, wells, even an old two story smoke tower once--and when we had the money, we where we could find him if he wasn't working at the moment. He was always downstairs. It got so normal, that my sister had a birthday party in the actual bar. Weird, I know, but it wasn't weird then. I don't know why daddy drank. I never really asked. I just accepted it. I mean, I was five or six when we moved to Dexter, and even when we still lived in Belmont, we lived near a bar so it wasn't strange to be in a bar or see people drinking. My mama even drank some, though she knew her stomach couldn't handle it. I remember one time, it was right after my mama got hurt, the ambulence came and took her to the hospital. My daddy stayed at the bar while Mimi and I was upstairs, in the living room. We called the bar, or at least we thought it was the bar, to talk to daddy. It turned out to be 911 from when my mama called. Mimi hung up, she was like 7 or something, so she was still really young, and they called back. I had to go downstairs to the bar to get daddy and then after he talked to the 911 operator or something, he called the bar so we could just press re-dial and went back down. I remember having to go get him some nights, walk behind him up the stairs to make sure that he didn't fall. I was like 8 or 9. He never hit us or anything. I think he was a happy-ish drunk, so it's not like it was terrible. I'm just saying that talking to Paul brought some stuff back.

It seems weird to think that people didn't have the same experiences as I had. Ryan had completely different than mine, and although I don't know much about Shannan's, her's is different too. When Brian was talking about the Goble's drinking last night, it was like he had no idea what he was talking about. And he doesn't. He's never been drunk; I seriously doubt that he has been around anyone who was drunk.

Later though, when we moved back home, to where I live now, Daddy stopped drinking. We're not close to a bar though, so that could be why. Or maybe it's just that Mama is actually hurt so he's trying to help. Kat is going to have a different sort of childhood than mine, though she's probably going to have to grow up fast like me. Mimi hasn't had to grow up that fast. I've always looked after her for the most part. For the longest time, she was the baby of the family. When Mama was hurting, I tried to help her as much as I could (though I did get tired of it and I think I'm sort of resentful now, though I'm working on it) and I tried to keep Misty from hearing mama and daddy argue about money or about him drinking or something. Now, Kat's like an only child. Soon, Mimi will leave and she'll have to fend for herself, though I know that both I and Mimi will help her in every way we can. I don't know. It's not that my parents are bad parents, cause they're not. They are simply getting older and they have issues of their own and it's just getting harder for them.

Anyway, I should get back to cleaning. Bye!!

So I am happy to be back now. It's so much fun to sit down and talk about things with my friends in the OZ but at the same time, it's really weird because a lot has changed. There are quite a few new people to contend with and get to know and there are problems of different sorts with the old people. Plus, it's really weird to think of myself as a sophomore; I look at the freshmen in my hall (and especially the freshmen in Johnson) and think that I used to be in their shoes. I freaked out when I received my first 40 page reading assignment. Now I feel like it's a blessing, like I can actually do it. And the fact that we now hang around and are meeting a lot of the freshmen makes it even weirder because they are all having the experiences we had earlier in life. I don't know. But I do like most of the freshmen. There are some weird ones who do some weird things, but most, like Kdee, fit in really well and make a new, and nice, dynamic in our little group. However, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing and although I love all these new people, it gets super annoying. Like Shannan said, we can never get free time with each other. We're never one on one, just talking and hanging out, maybe even having a little fellowship. We had 14 people at late night tonight. Fourteen! We had 12 at dinner. That's an absurd amount and I hate it! You can't possible talk to all those people! Wtc am I supposed to do? Whatever. I'm pretty sure that there's gonna be some falling out and some drifting away. It happens. But I will write more later.

Less than three all of you!

I'm here in Oswego. I have class in like forty minutes so I definately have time to write my little heart out.

Yesterday was not what I expected it to be. I mean, it was great seeing everyone, but it wasn't as amazing as it should have been. To start off, I am already, already completely overwhelmed with everything. What, I ask you, shall I do when I actually have to do stuff? Probably scream and yell and go into a panic attack which will in turn get me in trouble by Vinny. Does anyone else miss Dan as the boys' RA? I do. He let us get away with virtually anything, even screaming down the hall. :-) Oh well.

I don't know what to say anymore. I feel kind of nervous as if I were a freshman! I know what's expected of me and everything but it's insane! Now I know how Kelly says she feels sometimes.

Even though I just said that I was nervous and overwhelmed and the such, I feel oddly at peace. How weird! It can only be the Lord; he will take care of His flock and all their needs. He's a pretty awesome guy, God. Ya'll should really meet Him if you haven't.

Anyways, I'm gonna go now. Talk to you all later!!!


p.s. I love you!!!

I work with a lot of graduated seniors, so I've been thinking about the upcoming year and the one we left behind. As I look around my property, looking at the mountains, I know that I will miss this. I will miss not being able to see the Van Gogh painting that I seem to live in during the Fall. I adore my family for the most part, though I tend to make a hobby out of complaining about them in my spare time.

I will miss home but I am looking forward to the future, because I miss my other home. The one with all my OZ friends, the one with the crashing waves lulling me to sleep at night, the weird seagulls flying overhead. I miss the classes and the stress that I put myself under due to an immense amount of procrastination. I wish I could have the great conversations about God, our situations, our lives, other people that we used to have until five in the morning in the basement.

I miss the talks I have with Shannan about Ryan, God, everything, the talks with Ryan about Shannan, God, everything, the talks with Shonda and Kelly about Shannan and Ryan, God, everything. I miss Matt's back to me as he ignores everyone and plays on his computer. I miss Brian breathing annoyingly abnormally. I miss you!

The people I work with are scared but excited. I was like that once, more scared than excited, but similiar to the way they are now. I remember being homesick, being sick, being sad and depressed, being scared of failing pre-calculas and being mobbed by non-BASIC members and calling my mama, saying I wanted to come home so she could take care of me. But I also remember the amazingness of it all. And I miss it all.

Yay for good moods!!! :) So today is a Saturday, which means I didn't have to get up at 6-ish this morning! Yes!!! Haha. The day started out good! Then I learned that my new guitar sucks! Yay!!! Lol. It can't be re-stringed or tuned or anything because the neck will break! So I payed $60 for nothing! Hahahaha. But it's okay. I'm not really mad. I was a little sad, but I've decided to turn it into an art project. I will paint it and make it a goergous piece of art!

Oooh! So I got these amazing books, IDK if I wrote about them, but if not, I bought these amazing books! And I've been reading them, especially the one that is sort of like SparkNotes for the Bible. I haven't been cheating tho. I'm only reading SparkBible (I'm hilarious!) in the places that I've already read. Like the gospels. It's helping me fully understand some things, (it's kind of taking place of Sunday School!) and it A-MAZING! haha.

And I got this huge idea of what I would like to do with my life!!!!!! Sort of. I still have to think and pray about it but I will try to sound it out here. Okay. So the things that are on my plate right now are my majors and how they compare! Let's Play! In Door #1, there is.... an Adolescent Education major! Here is where one can help shape the youth of the nation into good, morally-upright individuals! In Door #2... Global and International Studies with a concentration in Culture, a wonderful place to help learn the tools of the Peace Corps and give the poor people of the world the things to have a good life! So, can you guess How Are They Similiar!?! Haha. Okay, I'll tell you. I believe God has given me a heart to help people who do not have the things they need in order to survive in today's society, whether it be water, housing or education. And, I KNOW I'm going to the peace corps. I know it; He gave me that idea two years ago with the help of a billboard (haha). Whether I stay there and continue to be part of it past my mandatory 2 years is up to Him and His plan. Afterward though, I really want to continue helping people. I want to maybe make a shelter or something for children and teenagers who need it. Kind of like a live in youth ministry to run-aways or orphans, children who need this. I would most likely have to go to a city and get a building and get in a huge amount of debt but I think it would be worth it! I really do! These children need help and love and attention and all these wonderful things that they don't have!!! So right now, that is an idea.

I guess I'll go now and think about my art projects. See ya'll! Love you the mostest!

Hey! I wrote this when I was upset so disreguard some of the more offensive stuff!! So here it is:

Hey! Wanna know something weird? Pushing me into deciding my future is not the way into growing in my faith! I am not like other people! I can't just go and choose something to be passionate about! I have to actually feel something for that thing!

I am tired of being molded into something I'm not. Let me tell you who I am. I am confused, iam scared, I am tired. Sometimes I can be mean, sometimes I can be nice. I hav e not been able to make decisions easily so please don't push me because I hate it. I hate feeling bad after those conversations. I just hate it.

I do feel bad that I don't know what I want to do. I really do. But I don't know.

I don't like how I look a lot of the time. Somethimes I fear that I made a mistake my simply jumping in in Christianity. I don't know if I'll be a good mom thgh I want a family. Ever since I was little, I dreamed of having a family and husband who loved and adord me but first I know that I have to love myself. But that's difficult when you grow up being raised in a critical family and a critical school. I have to remind myself I am created in HIs image so I must be beautiful but it's hard. I don't doubt Him, I doubt myself. Okay? I'm being very open here, and since I'm putting this o my blog, I feel like a deserve a break.

I have a lot to change. I am worried about the here and now. I mam worried about my likely-to-be-developed eating disorders and self image. I am worreid about trusting God and believeing that everything will be okay if I ust keep following Him. I cannot be wrroed about what I will be doing next year because if I do, I know I will be worreid about teh same things. So please, take my honesty as an olive branch, a truce signal and please back off. I love you all but I am dealing with more than simple family issues and trust issues that you all think I am. It is harder than you think.

i don't know what's wrong with me this summer, i really don't. things aren't going as planned with my walk with God. i feel completely down about the whole Bound4Life thing. i am helpless in just about all aspects of my life. i am not having a good time with issues concerning myself and the way i see myself. i just basically suck profusely this summer. yay me!...

about the bound4life thing. i get what ryan says but it's not about starting an organization. it's about fighting abortion, and you're right, i'm not fully, 100% passionate about it. if anyone is, fine. take it. do what you want with it. just stay true to the stuff. i feel attacked everytime someone brings it up. I didn't ask to be in charge of this guys, okay? i took it on from Terran. i'm doing my best, but obviously that isn't enough for anyone, not ryan not andy (though he has yet to say so to my face) so i guess i'll just give it up. whatever. it's fine.

whatever, i'm done talking. i was gonna write more, but i'll just vent and that's not what i wanted to do.

So I went to work today (duh!) and continued having pretty amazing conversations. Paul and Emily, the people I am working with, and I talked yesterday about love, marriage, Spider Man's back-stabbing but hot friend, and what makes a butt a nice butt. Haha. Didn't really get many good answers on the last one, but it was stull a really interesting conversation. Today, we talked about being gay and how we feel about it being a sin and how the bible feels about it. We came to the conclusion that we don't know what we feel or how to talk about it to those who are gay. We have friends that are gay and friends that are straight and friends that are confused about their sexuality. It's nice talking about religious things again.

Eh, I don't really have a lot to talk about so I'll leave it there. Just wanted to say Hi. so... Hi!!!! haha.

So I was talking to Ryan after a long time of not talking with him and as it turns out, after looking forward to a good weekend with good friends (or some good friends, not excluding other good friends, lol), it is not going to happen. I am tired of beign alone all of the time and listening to others say how amazing their weekends are or will be or whatever when all I do is work, eat, and sleep. I hate it! Ryan was saying stuff about how he misses everyone and he's tired of not seeing everyone only sporadically. The entire time, I was just thinking, well at least you get to see people sporadically. I haven't seen anyone for a month and that was only a weekend and only Andy and Josh. I'm not trying to be stupid or anything, I am just tired of not talking to anyone and not knowing what is going on and being the last to know things and just tired of being like this!!! AHHH!!!!

But, in better news, I talked to Beth and instead of being on an amazing weekend with my friends from the OZ, I will be spending Sunday first at church and then in Olean with her getting strings for my new...guitar!!! And Ryan, it is not because you got one (I'm not that competitive, haha). I actually really started thinking about getting one and checking some out online a couple days before you got yours. I was gonna tell you this strange coincidence a couple times but never got the chance. Anyway, it's Beth's old acoustic guitar. I don't need a new one or anything. If I get good and know what I'm doing I'm probably buy a good one. I don't know. I'm just excited. Something to do and strive at!!! YAY!!!!

Um, yeah. That's all.

Hey! So I wrote Brian a message today on facebook today saying I'm sorry about the way I treated him and all. I really didn't treat him that well. You want an example? Okay, how about when I said I wanted him to stop breathing the way he does--not to his face of course. That's just mean, and he doesn't know about that. Anyway, I realized that a lot of what was bothering me about him as well as some other people at some point in time was the little stupid stuff that shouldn't have bothered me at all. So instead of harping on that crap, I've decided that I'm gonna go and "harp" on all the good stuff about the people I know.
Brian: he is always willing to help anyone and is a hard worker. He does tons of stuff and still does good at school. How does he do it??
Matt: school is really important to Matt. He studies a ton and does well at school too!
Kelly: she's such a sweet girl! i mean, she always says something nice and people can just open up to her and not worry about being judged!
Shonda: this girl is open to just about anything (i mean, she's brave enough to try me out as a roommate!)! although she's shy, once she's your friend, she will go crazy defending you but will still tell you what's up when it needs to be said.
Shannan: is pretty much awesome. It's easy to go to her and talk about stuff that ranges from guys to God. What more can I ask for?
Andy: insane. haha. But he can always make me laugh, which I love. But he can also be serious, which was a surprise when he first was and is also something i'm fond of.
Ryan: a guy who I think could be a girl sometimes, haha. He is very blunt and makes me cry a lot, but he also tells me when I'm wrong, which is important in the long run. However, he isn't (as) afraid to open up or to let me open up to him and I love that!!
Beth: i've known her for 7 years and she's been through a lot with me and i love her for it.
Now for the cruz of it all, my family...
My mama gave a lot up for me and she still does and she's pretty awesome a lot of the time.
Daddy is really supportive of just about whatever I do; I guess I'm Daddy's Little Girl.
Mimi is my sister and I think that some day, we're gonna be good friends (hopefully).
Kat is just cute, the end.

Haha. I hope you have enjoyed my wonderful exultations of all of your characteristics. See you next time on Name That Characteristic! haha.

There are thousands of things that I would like to talk about but there are many, many less words in my head to let you guys understand them, haha.

Ugh, I don't know what I'm doing with my life and I am frightened of that. Ryan and I started to have a "heart-to-heart" on the phone but it got interupted by my mama. Thanks Mom!! We were talking about my last post, which I realize is extremely dramatic and kind of horrible, so please don't let it get to you. I was having a moment, that's all. But it did get me thinking; I mean, in a Max Lucado book I was reading, it said to find your "divine spark" and do that because God wants us to do things that we love and that God gave us the gift to do. In order to do that, you're supposed to think back to a time in your childhood where you did something you absolutely enjoyed 100%. And that makes sooo much sense, it really does. Except for the whole thing about me not having any idea about what made me happy when I was a child. I don't know. Do I not have a life? Did I ever have a life? I have no idea! Ugh.

Anyway, work is going well. I'm actually having "fun" cleaning because of the people I work with. I swear, Emily and I laughed for 20 minutes because we decided to take a nap in the elevator during our lunch break. It was so funny! But I guess you would have to be there.

I haven't heard from Beth since like last Thursday or something. She's with her boyfriend, always and forever. I'm tired of it but what can I do? Absolutely nothing. I'm tired of being second-best to some guy she just met a couple months ago. It's like bros before... you get the picture... except in the sistas catagory (I couldn't think of a rhyme that goes for this). I mean, I've known her for like 7 years. Whatever.

Oh, Andy, I don't get to talk to you that much and when I do, I always forget to talk about Bound4Life so I'll do it here. I think you should be president. I know I said that this was my thing and blah blah blah but I can't make the decisions and you have done so much. This is definately your thing. I do want to be part of it, like treasurer or something, but president is a little much I think. I'll do whatever I can to help, but it's yours. Talk to me later about it (fyi, you have no idea how difficult it is for me to give this up, so if you mess up, you're dead. jk!! but seriously...lol. jenna kirkwood!).

Love and miss you guys til God lets go of the stars He holds in His hands

July 4th

I know I haven't written anything in a while but I need to. I'm feeling like I'm not, I don't know. Like I'm not truly a believer in Christ.

This can't be happening again. Christianity has given me so much hope and happiness. But I don't know anymore. People around me are so into everything, from BASIC to Bound4Life to Revivals and everything. I barely feel anything when I read my Bible at night. When I mess up I feel almost no guilt. What is wrong with me?

How can I be in BASIC, try to start Bound4Life in Oswego and help in teh revival and not be strong in my faith? I know I shouldn't compre but everyone is so strong and I'm not. I don't want this to happen agian. This can't be happening again!

I know this is Satan. I know that I am vulnerable right now and he is taking advatage of that but I can't help it. Lord help me. I don't want to not have you again. I want to be with you. If I don't have you, what do I have? Help me. Be my protector, my shield. Do all the things you say you do. I need you...

*Later*

After I wrote that, I decided to look for comfort in the Word. I turned to Psalms (my favorite book of all time) and found Psalm 91. It gave me so much encouragement so here it is:

Psalm 91
1. He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
3. Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.
4. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,
6. nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.
8. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.
9. If you make the Most High your dwelling-- even the Lord, who is my refuge--
10. then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.
11. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
12. they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14. "Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
16. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

Hi!!! Everyone's doing stuff and I'm not, lol. I'm working though, and that's a good thing. I am able to get out of the house and away from my parents/mother. But my job is boring so it gives me lots of times to think.

I'm getting old. Lol. Soon I'm going to be a senior and then I'm going to go get a job somewhere with my not-decided major. What is wrong with me? I don't know what I want to do with my life!! I've tried doing something that Max Lucado said to do in Cure for a Common Life and think about favorite times and favorite things to do but I can't think of any! Is my life that messed up where one thing doesn't stand out in my life that I really really enjoyed? Lord, I need your help in this particular--along with the rest of it-- part of my life.

I miss all my friends. I miss talking to people about messed up stuff and serious stuff and being able to just hang out and have fun. I miss going to New Cov and BASIC. I even miss classes!! I keep thinking about when I first went to Oswego. I was scared out of my mind; I mean, I didn't have any friends. I didn't know anyone there. Then I met Tracy and Dave and then Bridget and Ryan and Brian and Matt. And then Shonda and Shannan and Kelly and Andy. I miss them!!

I don't know. I don't know anything except that I am here for a reason, whatever reason that is.

I'm feeling like crap! yay!! why does my mama have to be sooo superficial? seriously, why? I mean, one day I look like I'm pregnant, the next I need to eat. My teeth aren't straight (even though I don't need and never have needed braces), my butt as well as my bust is too big, my hair is always messy, my skin is bad... the list goes on and on!! What the crap!!! And it seems like she is ganging up on me with Misty. What the crap!! I'm tired of this!!! I don't care what you think but I do at the same time!!! Sometimes I wish she wasn't my mom. Or that she would say I was pretty. And people wonder why I have insecurities? Let's look at the cause, guys.

I missed church today. I have no idea how I did it; I had no idea I even did it until I got there. The first sentence (and half of the title) isn't completely true--I was there for the last ten minutes. It's no wonder people (including a little girl who was the worst) were giving me bad looks! Ugh., Last week I went to a Catholic church, which was okay except I didn't know what to do or when to do it or what to say and why we were doing/saying these things, and I missed church this week. I'm seriously sad now.

Sundays are supposed to be happy & joyful. This one hasn't been. So I will ponder something that is happy and joyful: God's love.

If we look at one of the most famous verses--John 3:16--we can see the entent of His love. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son..." This is the kind of love every girl (& probably every guy) is dying for in human relationships. God brought himself down to Earth in the form of our Savior and suffered so we could have a relatively happy existence and live eternally. [This is a blueprint for how I want every relationship I ever have; I want this kind of love; God shows us how unselfish we should be toward others (must work on this)].

Anyway, it is hard to believe that we, horrible sinners that we are, are worthy of such a wonderful gift. But we are; He deemed us worthy before we were even born! He doesn't care if I will (most likely) never be a size 2 or if my hair is all a mess when I first wake-up (and even sometimes after that!) He doesn't care that I have blonde moments & can't spell certain words. He Loves Me!

And you know what? I love Him. I know that my life is better now. I no longer have huge stomach aches whenever I think of my own death. I am still afraid, but it's better now that I have something to look forward to. I am completed by having God & Christ in my life. And although He is willing to give me a second chance, third chance, 576,495,691,328th chance and more, I am gonna try my hardest not to take these. Obedience to a few things that are good for you anyway is a small price to pay for a love as amazing as the one He gives me. A very small price.

So, as you can probably guess... I am back. I am at a different URL to try to get my parents off my back, not that i have a problem with that, but it's just nice to have some privacy. Misty will probably figure this out since I thold her I wanted to have a blog at this URL, but it's okay, because I know her's too. & she's at home and therefore, will have to listen to dear mother and father more than I will. Keep this in mind, Mimi... A ton of things have happened lately, and I don't feel like going over them, so you're gonna have to do what you do when you miss a few episodes of House and you don't know what's going on, scramble around and try to figure out who these new ppl are. Haha.

I went camping. And yeah. It was okay. Andy said he like me and we had a huge long conversation while trying to figure out where Josh--who was majorly emo--went. I don't know what to do about that kid. I really don't. Andy, not Josh. I feel like I like him, but I don't know if I want to like him, because we each have issues. I am praying that God will take this summer and get rid of those vices that have been haunting me, so I am putting it, and the whole Andy situation in His hands. He knows what to do and I do not so I'm letting a professional deal with it.

Speaking of God and prayers, Ryan and Shannan are back together (praise God!!) and Andy and Ryan are back together (praise God?!?). lol. I've been praying that hearts will be healed and forgiveness will be, well, given, and it worked!! I like this whole praying thing, haha.

So I've been thinking about relationships lately. Not guy/girl relationships--well yes, but not in that way. In friendship ways. I haven't talked to my "best friend" Beth in like two weeks, after she told me she wasn't going to go camping with me because she was going this weekend with her boyfriend Max. What the crap?!? I mean seriously. I'm tired of this. On Ryan's blog, he quotes something like the best thing about friends is that they grow up w/o growing apart. That's not true w/ us. I mean, I don't know when she's home, so it's not like I can call. Granted, I don't make a huge effort, but idk. It's like this entire year, seams have slowly been coming apart and it SUCKS!!! I don't want this to happen, so Bethany Mack, if you get around to seeing this, dude! Call!!! I miss talking to you like I used to!!!!! Now all I have is Ryan... jk Ryan!!! I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Haha. Ryan said that if I dated Andy, then he would be jealous of Andy because of his place in my life. Well, wanna know something? Felt the same way about Shannan when I figured out something was going on. haha. Now I'm praying that you guys get back together! Weird crazy/beautiful world.

Yeah, so nothing really has been happening here. Just a ton of work; really hard work. I have so much reading to do it's insane, and with math and arabic, things are just not going the way i wanted them to. Pre-calc is so hard. I seriously have no idea how I thought I could handle it. Because I can't. If it wasn't for my scholarship, I wouldn't even bother going to that class.

Plus I'm sick; and when I'm sick, I'm cranky. And Ryan is fasting, and when Ryan fasts, he's cranky. So we're both cranky and we got in a mini-fight. which is no big deal; he'll get over it. i already have. idk. I just... I don't even know what I want to do. Sleep? Try to work some more? Roll over and die? Who knows. I'm just so tired of everything. grrr.

& my nose hurts because I've been wiping it so much. I'm using puffs now, but the damage is already done. wow fun.

& people just seem to love being mad at me and/or other people close to me. Charles Fee--oh, sorry, I'm supposed to call him SpiderPig--hates me for a single facebook status that said that I was feeling bad about myself, Ryan seems to dislike Matt so much he doesn't have any feelings about him, and other things. Why does life have to be complicated all of a sudden?? I'm tired of it.

ttyl. Have wonderful Dreams!!

I'm sick. Life kind of sucks that way. I may or may not be failing pre-calc. yay!?! i wanna go home and have my mama take care of me. idk how i'm getting home for spring break. i am too busy to do anything but breathe. the end. great thing, great post.

So, I went to bible study last night and I ended up crying after it. It wasn't what anyone said or didn't say; it was more of a disappointment in my life. I felt like a hypocrite because for the longest time, I didn't know what was happening in my life. I felt like it was as if I was just trying to find God in order to be closer with my friends, if that makes sense? I used the analogy, everyone is wearing a red shirt, and I'm wearing a yellow shirt, so I want to go out and buy a freaking amazing red shirt. And that didn't seem like it was right to me. I mean, I gave my life over to God, and to have these feelings and thoughts was like me lying to God. And that's just wrong, and it really started getting my down lately.

I left bible study right after and Ryan knew. I don't know how he knows these things, but he just does. I needed to get my feelings out because I've been holding them back for so long; I just started crying. I told Ryan that I didn't want to do this anymore; that whatever was going to happen just wasn't worth me fighting for more than 12 years in order to do it. But as soon as I said it, I knew that that wasn't really what I wanted. I hated, and still do, the thought of not having the love of God in my life; but at the same time I was devastated because I felt like I wasn't feeling it everyday like other people seem to. I was ready to give up.

After I left Ryan and went to my room, Shannan came (God, I love that girl. She is amazing.) She gave me a hug and said that I might wanna give up but that He doesn't want to give up on me and he won't and neither will she. I guess that that was what I wanted and needed to hear. I had been feeling like God was just ignoring me, that He didn't care anymore. I had been feeling so lost for so long, and I felt terrible about myself that I was like, "why should someone who is so wonderful even want me? why would he even look at me with love or understanding, or even tolerance?" Shannan also knew that I had been feeling numb (Ryan sure does know who to tell in order for me to get the most out of it.) She quoted a verse in the bible (1 Kings 19:11-12) which said that God isn't truly the amazing, psych-ed up feeling that you get during the BASIC conference, or church, or Bible study. It is the "gentle whisper," the one that guides you along through your life and just allows you to be at peace with yourself and others no matter where you are. Did I mention that I absolutely adore that girl? She is very good at this sort of thing.

Then I just wanted to leave. I had been crying so much, I just wanted to get out, so I asked if anyone wanted to go to Late Night. I asked Matt to go too and (surprisingly) he did--I'm fairly certain Shannan had something to do with that. Shannan said that I should talk to him because he is pretty good at explaining things in the way that is blunt but not (too) hurtful.

So while everyone was still at Late Night, he and I left and walked back. Now Matt and I do not have the sort of relationship that I have with Ryan and Shannan. I don't tell him things; it's just the way these things are. It's gotten better but it's still not up there, so I felt kind of awkward talking to him about something that was deeply personal. So for about an hour and a half I didn't. We talked about the super bowl party and the stupid things he's done and politics, and Brian jokes. We went down to Shannan's room where Ryan, Kelly, and Shannan. At around midnight, I was ready to talk, but I wasn't sure if he still wanted to; I mean, this kid goes to bed at 11:00 every night. I haven't ever seen him up past 12:30. But I made my way to leave and he went with me. I went to my room and he came in; yet again, this is the kid who thinks it's weird to be in a girls room. I was super surprised. And after a couple of questions from him (and hearing exactly what he knew from Ryan--who definitely helped me out last night), I started talking. I don't exactly know what I learned from him except that it's hard for everyone, no matter what, and that I'm a "baby christian," but everything helped.

I also now have a miracle-saving thing of my own. I told Matt how I had tried so many different things, wicca, Islam, whatever, and he said that I knew so much stuff about other religions and that was probably not making my choice easier. Which was absolutely true; if you have more choices, it's not as easy to decide which one's the truth. But then he said that it was amazing that I had come as close as I am. With having known so many things, I should be so far away from God, but I'm not terribly far. That in itself is so great. I have so many choices and I can compare so many things, that for me to say that this is the one is so perfect. Granted, I'm not completely sure, but to have enough trust and faith to give my life over, and to try to find the truth, is awesome (the actual sense of the word, not the American sense of the word--which, being the only nation in the world to go into space...whatever, Eddie Izzard connection).

But after talking to so many people, I felt so much better. I seriously did/do. I woke up, having only like 3 1/2 to 4 hours of sleep, I feel good. I feel like God does care about me and I probably just have to go through this. It's not supposed to be easy, like Matt says. I just didn't realize it was going to be so hard. But once I'm over this, once I have gotten rid of the majority of the doubting thoughts in my head, I believe that this is going to benefit me in ways that arent' known yet (obviously. duh-moment. it's going to happen in the future, so of course they aren't known.)

I just wanna say, thanks guys!!! Love you all!

So, what up? This semester, I have made it my goal in life to be freaking amazing at just about every class. That's going to be significantly difficult because I'm probably going to fall asleep in some of them--I already have. But I'm going to try to do it anyway. That girl in my Arabic class will not get a chance to answer my questions; I'm going to be answering hers. I'm not going to need any help in my pre-calc class either because I'm going to be awesome. I've decided this.

I went to church today; it was the first time in 1 1/2 months and it felt amazing. I missed worship, I really did. Everything was so amazing and I felt wonderful afterward. The pastor (who was actually the youth pastor) talked about how we need to be alone and just let God do his thing with us and I knew that that was what needed to happen to me. Last night I felt it but I didn't really do it. Today I felt it to, and I did get alone for a while but nothing happened. I don't know, maybe He needs some time. Maybe I need to be in the right place before He will come. I just don't know; but then again, I'm not supposed to.

I got so much homework in the first 2 days of classes. But I was super productive this weekend. All I need to do is read for geology which is awesome. I also need to work on my math homework but that's not due until Friday and I can have a partner for that so I'm going to talk to someone in my class tomorrow and see if they want to do it together. Today I went to the library and I spent an hour and a half doing the recommended problems for pre-calc. I want, no, I need to understand this stuff. It just has to happen. And I am going to do it.

I'm back in Oswego and I must admit, it kind of feels like it did when I first came here, except I know people now. It's hard to get back in the groove of things, ya know? Especially when it feels like so much has changed and so many people have changed with them. It's a weird feeling.

Classes have started. I fell asleep in my geology class today. It was the first class for crying out loud!! I don't know how in the world i did it, but I did and that's a bad sign I think. But Thursdays are hard. I have a 3 hour geology lab and then I go straight into an hour and 20 minute geology lecture. I mean, come on! Give a girl a break! Do you really think I care that much about geology? Your wrong. It's just a bunch of rocks and if I really have to sit in a single subject for over 4 hours, then I will turn into a bunch of rocks. How retarded is that?

Tomorrow's gonna be interesting. I have 4 classes. Honors 141, English 204Hon, Math 120 (Pre-Calc) and then off to my second semester of Arabic. Busy day tomorrow so I should probably go now.

So, I am sitting here, in the Cuba Library, staring up at a rather impressive and dramatic portrait of Fidel Castro, thinking, where is my life going? When am I going to rage a diplomatic-turned-communist-regime revolution? Is it even possible for an 18 year old girl to do that? I think back and I remember Joan of Arc, but she was french, so she doesn't count. Just kidding!

But seriously, when am I going to get my chance to rule the world and what would it be like if I did? I swear to you, it would be amazing--for me. I would sit on chinese silk pillows, lavish myself with the best jewels in the world. I would be glittering like the sun at noon with all of the precious metals which I would surround myself with. You, on the other hand, would be put in mines, so I could get said jewels, and have to kill a major population of the silk worm (but hey, with global warming in our wake, there going to eventually die anyway, why not help them out a bit?) I would be eating rich wonderful foods, like chocolate, and all the italian dishes I could ever dream of. You? you would probably be eating "oatmeal" which in fact is just a dish filled with water and left-overs from the pigs.

But don't worry, my revolution isn't today, or even tomorrow. But it will be soon. I just know it. So all I can ask is: What now, Punk?

So, last year seems to have been an extreme change for me and I have carried it onto the new year! I have cut my hair super, super, super short. I mean short short. Shorter than I ever have. & although it's not exactly the way I wanted, I adore it. I think it looks really good on me. I hope others will say the same; I've gotten a lot of compliments on it.

So, i am at home and I can def. feel it. It's getting really annoying. I really wanna go back to school. Everyone here is getting kind of annoying, not lying. The fact that I have money and my family doesn't doesn't help either. I mean, I know that they gave birth to me and raised me, i'm not trying to sound ungrateful or anything. But God!!! I'm trying to go to school here guys!!!

Anyway, here's a weird and bad tidbit. Hillary Clinton won New Hampshire. Which is okay I guess, but I'm totally for Barak Obama and want him to be the democratic nominee. However I have decided to take a harsh look at Clinton's platform and see if she's any good just in case, God forbid, that people decide that Obama doesn't have enough experience, which is a plausible and logical thought process.

See you later!!

Okay, so I just read Misty's blog (it's was sooo freakin' easy to guess it Mimi, all I did was put emo, a.k.a one of the only things you use a lot, in the bar thingy up above and it popped up; you should really think about getting rid of the history; Mimi please don't stop writing in it. I won't tell mama if you stop telling mine to her) and her's is extrememly honest. I mean extremely. And I love it but I find it a bit disturbing. I feel like I don't even know my own sister. Do you know how much of a horrible feeling that is? I've been gone for 4 months and everything has changed. Or has she always been like this and I just never noticed. Is she that good at hiding things or is it that I'm just not an observant person? IDK. It scares me to know that I had to read a blog in order to know that my sister has a boyfriend or that his ex-girlfriend is a "sl*t-faced bitch." And what the heck is #3?? I'm terrified of number three. I hope it's simply eating a lot of chocolate but I don't think it is.

Anyway, her blog is sooo freaking honest, I'm talking insanely, wonderfully honest (she doesn't care who she hurts! IDK how she can do that but I want to do it too!) so I've decided to be more open. In truth, this blog is supposed to be like a journal for me, a place to vent, but there are people reading this who I want to vent about you know? So I don't. But no more, or at least not so much. I hate feeling like crap and writing get's it out. So, here it goes.

I'm so tired of people calling me a prep. My God! Okay, so maybe I've changed, maybe my choice of clothing has changed a little or my choice of music. Whatever, but I am not a prep because a prep now, in this group is considered a bad thing. A prep is basically defined as a person who is a spoiled brat who doesn't care who they hurt because they only care for themselves. Let's see, is that me? No, duh. If that was me, I'd be wearing much nicer clothes, not buying christmas presents or trying to help my parents out a little. This venting process would have happened soooo long ago. So guess what guys, I'm not a prep, at least not in your terms.

Mmm, another thing. About me being "fiscally irresponsible." I'm sorry, but going to a college that is far outside your, and your parents, ability to pay seems a little "fiscally irresponsible to me." So what, I want an iPod; but I'm buying it, not my mom and dad, me! So get over it! I'm going through college without my parents helping me. I got a summer job (a sucky one) in order to do that. My parents have 2 other kids here who they have to support so I try not to be much of a pest on them. They don't send me however amount of money a month. I survive by myself. And idc if you have to buy your own food. You should have accounted for that when you decided to go there. It's not exactly my fault, ya know? So don't go getting all defensive about how I want an iPod or how I got a new phone. I'm buying all of these things w/o help so get off my back.

Yeah and I'm also tired of people screaming at me saying "how do you ever meet people?" "You say your more outgoing but you don't do anything." Well guess what? This is me. This has been me since you have met me. It's time you got used to it and it's time you got over it. This is the way I am. I will go and meet people on my own terms. Not everyone else's. Maybe I'm just uncomfortable around the sort of people that you all want me to hang around with, ya know? Your people may not be my people. But if they are, I'll find out when I feel comfortable finding out. If you push me, I'm not gonna like it and am probably gonna not like you afterward.

Okay, I think I'm done for right now. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone especially one person b/c the majority (if not all of it) is directed to them, but it had to come out. I'm tired of holding everything in. This is supposed to be a blog, one that I can say anything on. And so I have. Anyway, I'll ttyl. Bye!!
Loves you guys!!